In laws causing problems is it just me?

DavidF

I can't believe you are even bothering about this "dilemma". It's a no brainer. Your in-laws don't like you, You don't really like them, You all get on with Granny so therefor the sensible option is you go see gran in the morning and continue with your plans regarding the afternoon and evening. I would also be asking hubby to grow a pair and stand up "Properly" to his family. He married you not them. He actually choose You he didn't choose them. Yes its great when everyone gets on ect ect ect, But if there is a clash of personalities for Whatever reason then hubby should really be supporting You and your kids. Yes it may be hard for him and thats where your love for him should shin e through. You can help him feel better about himself. He needs to be more assertive though. Your job is to fill him with your love and give him the confidence to set the ground rules regarding all your relationships and what sort of behavior/respect you expect from your inlaws and to state to them that it will go both ways -they show you respect and you will return that respect. Anyway I am going off in a tangent but I think its all relevant.

Padstow

lindseykim13 wrote: »

They see the car and know we are in so go around the back of the house and peer through the fence (its slatted) and wave until they get our attention :rotfl:I have to laugh they have made me cry so many times i'm fed up.

DH agrees they are more than a pain in the rear and already suggested that we would not go out of our way any longer for them. Not bother inviting them round anymore for dinner etc. Which we have stuck to but they just invite themselves anyway nearly every weekend. Give us no notice and just turn up, even stay when we are on the way out. They wont get the hint and see it as a god given right to turn up and see the kids when they like (they say they want to see the kids but then spend no time talking/playing with them???)
I don't understand why they can't take no for an answer, the mil pushed her way in the door the other week when dh went to tell her i was ill and in bed so he didn't want visitors.


Main point is they are bossy/vindictive and dh although he tries to say no doesn't want to fall out because the back lash of that is that the whole family jump of the band wagon and we will be the bad guys.
Last time we said no to making up with his sister it took 6mths of nobody talking to us even though we did nothing in the first place. Me-i couldn't care less they are a bad influence to have around but dh does care what they think

I could go on forever perhaps i should write a book

What joy do the in laws bring to your lives lindseykim?
They favour one child due to being a girl, ( I've seen this in action with my extended family, and it's horrible to see two kids being left out. I would never stand for that!)
They barge in uninvited and overstay their welcome.
They play no part in seeing the kids generally and taking them out.
You are never invited to their home, I guess it's perfect and not to be sullied by kids. Do they have any redeeming features at all?

On to your brother. If after twelve months he has to take money from your parents for his train fare, then get a free lift back from a mate, (should pay his petrol share), he was hardly planning to visit his family. Coming home for a handout?

How old is your brother?
When my mother died, I was disgusted to see she had written a cheque for my brother's speeding offence. He would have been 50.
Bailed out at 50. Disgraceful. Let alone for speeding.

So one, you need to stand against the evil in laws and two, your brother should get his act together.

You have your own little unit to think about.
Oh and stop the breast feeding. Long past needing it. It will give you freedom. Only you are in need at this stage, not your child.

There is a lot more going on in your life that you don't realise. Nothing horrible. but a neediness.

Concentrate on your family. Brother should cope by himself and the in/outlaws can go to H:mad:

The former I would wave bye bye to, the latter needs to shape up.

pigpen

Padstow wrote: »

Oh and stop the breast feeding. Long past needing it. It will give you freedom. Only you are in need at this stage, not your child.

That isn't true.. current WHO recommendations say bf up to the age of 2 has lots of benefits for the child and the mum.. that is a judgement of the OP's parenting and not what is up for discussion.

barbiedoll

My mum put up with this kind of behaviour for years, it's the main reason why my parents ended up divorced, my dad never, ever stood up to his ghastly mother.

OP, you do your bit for granny and more, by the sound of things. Go along and see her on the morning of her birthday, have your family bbq in the afternoon, if the in-laws don't like it, tough.

I really can't understand why people put up with this sort of behaviour from relatives. There's no way anyone would barge into my house uninvited, especially if any of us were ill. You should speak to MIL and FIL, alone if necessary, and spell out exactly what you expect of them. They don't turn up unannounced, they don't expect you to rearrange plans to attend their parties and they certainly don't parade your daughter around as a trophy, the kids get treated equally or they don't see them at all, simple as that. They MUST phone before they come round, otherwise they will not be let into the house. It's simple manners to ask if they can come and see you, they are just plain rude, and are not setting a good example to your children.

You and OH have let yourselves become doormats to these people for long enough. Don't you dare cancel your bbq, your brother needs you now, you can't let him down. Take granny a present and a card, see her early on and go and enjoy yourself at the weekend. At your house.

Oh, and breastfeed as long as you like!

lindseykim13

Padstow wrote: »

On to your brother. If after twelve months he has to take money from your parents for his train fare, then get a free lift back from a mate, (should pay his petrol share), he was hardly planning to visit his family. Coming home for a handout?

he is coming home because he was asked to come down so he can see his family when he needs us right now, having spil from his g'friend he has no home-she kicked him out and struggling to cope with what little money he has.

How old is your brother? 21

You have your own little unit to think about.
Oh and stop the breast feeding. Long past needing it. It will give you freedom. Only you are in need at this stage, not your child.
I am mortified at this, your assumption that you seem to know more about breastfeeding than the WHO and more about what my daughter needs than i do? I bottle fed my first 2 children and i can guarantee i have more freedom breastfeeding than having to take bottles everywhere. This is not up for discussion as pigpen said i will feed my daughter as long as she wants to be fed it is not for my benefit if it was why would i have chosen to bottle feed my first 2. Oh and the worldwide average age for stopping breastfeeding is 4.2 years!! Not 19mths.

She goes out alone with her dad anyway for an hour or so not a problem but when she is scared, hungry, tired she wants me. Why would i need more freedom i enjoy having my kids around 24/7

lindseykim13

Before i rant on anymore i should point out i had a good chat with my family earlier, they know the problems we have with the inlaws. We have agreed to go to the party at 3pm while my family let themselves into our house to get the bbq started. We will stay for 1hr and the inlaws will be told this firmly when we arrive so they don't kick up a fuss when we announce our departure. We will then return to a ready to cook bbq! Thanks for the replies.

Abbafan1972

Good luck OP and don't forget to let us all know how it goes.

Mrs_Arcanum

lindseykim13 wrote: »

The party was mentioned as just a get together for grandma and nothing was mentioned about doing it as a birthday party so i was safe to assume it could any weekend over a 2mth period. The basis of this is that they gave us no notice when they had confirmed the date with others a month ago and just assumed we would be free/drop everything.

:beer: Thanks for this. There are those who have replied as if you are committing a deadly sin by not having a better idea when the party was likely to be. All you knew until very recently was "sometime in June".

Definitely stick with your Brother. He seems to be the person who needs you most at the moment.

pigpen

I am glad you have reached a compromise with OH regarding the in laws.. enjoy your BBQ and I hope your brother is ok. I'm sure he will be much better after seeing how much he is loved .

coolcait

Mrs_Arcanum wrote: »

:beer: Thanks for this. There are those who have replied as if you are committing a deadly sin by not having a better idea when the party was likely to be. All you knew until very recently was "sometime in June".

Definitely stick with your Brother. He seems to be the person who needs you most at the moment.

To be clear/fair, I don't think anyone indicated that the OP was "committing a deadly sin by not having a better idea when the party was likely to be".

Some of us simply wondered why the OP didn't contact the OH's family to double check on the actual dates - or whether or not there would actually be a party - before committing herself to another event in June. It would have saved a lot of stress.

The good news is that the OP has found a compromise solution, which incorporates a number of the ideas put forward on this thread.