In laws causing problems is it just me?

lindseykim13

Bo_Nidle wrote: »

I suppose there is one more thing that may sway this important decision.

Granny may be in a dementia ward this time next year with no knowledge of who you are. Or dead.

Brother will not be.

So, this could be grannies last ever party.

I take offence to this, my brother suffers despression, he's just split from his partner. How would i feel if i don't put him first on this occasion and he then goes back to manchester and jumps in front of a bus for example or has an accident god forbid.
We have seen granny recently we know she is unwell and could quite easily die any time (sorry if that sounds harsh) but we know this so spend time with her accordinlgy and if something were to happen to her soon then i wouldn't feel guilty about not seeing her because we do often see her.
She already doesn't remember me or the kids

lindseykim13

Mrs_Arcanum wrote: »

Grandma's birthday may well be in the middle of the week and lindseykim13 could have no idea in advance which weekend day before or after the in laws would choose to hold the party.

The party was mentioned as just a get together for grandma and nothing was mentioned about doing it as a birthday party so i was safe to assume it could any weekend over a 2mth period. The basis of this is that they gave us no notice when they had confirmed the date with others a month ago and just assumed we would be free/drop everything.

pigpen

Anyone could die at any time.. granny might live another 10 years, brother might not... there is no telling when anyone will die.

Padstow

I get the feeling OP was going to use bruv as an excuse to miss granny and the gang's party, but has now lost her nerve!

lindseykim, you are the family now, not them. Sort it out with your H and then stick to it.
I wouldn't have any time for grand parents who favoured one of my children over the others either. Stick to your guns, the outlaws will soon learn you mean business.

Newly_retired

You have mentioned several occasions when your DH has given in and allowed yourfamily plans to be disrupted, even when you had a one day old baby.
It is time he stood up to his family and stopped allowing them to mess him and you around.
You have come up with a ways of seeing Great grandma in the morning AND holding the BBQ for your brother. Your DH could manage to fit both families in and can do so without too much trouble, or he could let his squabbling lot get on with their boozy party.
You have decided what is right for you, he must decide what is right for him.

euronorris

lindseykim13 wrote: »

The party was mentioned as just a get together for grandma and nothing was mentioned about doing it as a birthday party so i was safe to assume it could any weekend over a 2mth period. The basis of this is that they gave us no notice when they had confirmed the date with others a month ago and just assumed we would be free/drop everything.

They assume for a reason. Most likely because your DH has always dropped everything for them/backed down.

Abbafan1972

My god, the bit about "standards" really made me see red. :mad:

I can't believe you have cancelled (paid for) weekends away in favour of these god awful people

I have no time for grandparents who behave like that, hence my in-laws are no longer in our lives (dh's choice).

Just do what you want to do, if it means not going to the party, then so be it. What are the in-laws going to do, kidnap you and drag you there? Just let dh go on his own.

If I got treated in that way then the in-laws would have been told to f off long ago.

If they have a habit of arriving unannounced at your house, then just don't answer the door! If you don't want visitors, then that's your choice. If they have a key, then just ask for them back or change the locks.

lindseykim13

Abbafan1972 wrote: »

If they have a habit of arriving unannounced at your house, then just don't answer the door! If you don't want visitors, then that's your choice. If they have a key, then just ask for them back or change the locks.

They see the car and know we are in so go around the back of the house and peer through the fence (its slatted) and wave until they get our attention :rotfl:I have to laugh they have made me cry so many times i'm fed up.

DH agrees they are more than a pain in the rear and already suggested that we would not go out of our way any longer for them. Not bother inviting them round anymore for dinner etc. Which we have stuck to but they just invite themselves anyway nearly every weekend. Give us no notice and just turn up, even stay when we are on the way out. They wont get the hint and see it as a god given right to turn up and see the kids when they like (they say they want to see the kids but then spend no time talking/playing with them???)
I don't understand why they can't take no for an answer, the mil pushed her way in the door the other week when dh went to tell her i was ill and in bed so he didn't want visitors.


Main point is they are bossy/vindictive and dh although he tries to say no doesn't want to fall out because the back lash of that is that the whole family jump of the band wagon and we will be the bad guys.
Last time we said no to making up with his sister it took 6mths of nobody talking to us even though we did nothing in the first place. Me-i couldn't care less they are a bad influence to have around but dh does care what they think

I could go on forever perhaps i should write a book

make_me_wise

lindseykim13 wrote: »

The whole point in this visit is to show him he has family who care. He's on his own up in manchester with no family at all.

This poor old gran you mention only lives up the road and we go and see her when we can i don't see how going to a party where she will only be for an hour or so is any better than us going to visit her in the morning before the party.

It can be tricky when arranging a 'do' for an elderly relative to plan anything too far in advance. However with that in mind people shouldn't just assume that you will drop everything and let others down to fit into last minute plans.

Your in-laws cant railroad you into things if you say no. Go and make a big fuss of gran the day before so she feels loved and taken care of. Send OH off to the party for an hour or so with the kids so you can have a bit of quiet chat time with your bro. Then OH and your kids come back and you enjoy the time you had all planned with your family.

Its all about give and take with any relationships. Your in laws need to understand that this applies to them also and they cant monopolise your time at the drop of a hat.

Jacks_xxx

I'd go and see Granny in the morning with the whole family, then let hubby take the kids to be paraded for an hour at 3pm while you hang with your family child free for a hour.

There's nothing wrong with doing what makes you happy once in while. You can't live your life for other people.

I sympathise with the unannounced visitors. I dye my hair once a month and wax my legs every six weeks. It only takes about half an hour each time but you can guarantee that a few minutes in, just at the messiest most naked stage I'll have a someone banging on my front door, bellowing and a little face peering through my letterbox.