In laws causing problems is it just me?

Bloomin_Freezing2

I can totally sympathise with your feelings for the outlaws, I am ok with being in FIL's company, even if he is a bit of a wet weekend, there is no MIL, but there is Grand MIL, and what an old bag she is! Thank goodness I haven't had to see her for 4 years now - bliss! But I won't take over your thread going on about that.

Anyway, seeing as poor old granny has trouble knowing who anyone is or whats going on I think it would be more than acceptable to say you and yours will visit her in the morning before the party. Surely a party with everyone getting drunk and lively might be a bit much for her and you seeing her in a calm and quiet environment, so she can enjoy the children would be much kinder to her and to the kids.

Tell your outlaws thats what's happening. You have afternoon plans which clash, so rather than missing granny on her b'day completely (which you'd hate to do) you'll see her before the party. End of.

If your hubby is that scared of his parents he can stay for the party but you and the kids will go home to your family and their uncle they don't see often.

lindseykim13

thanks for the opinions, i suppose i was just after some other viewpoints.
My initial suggestion when we discovered there was a clash was to go and see grandma for the morning of her birthday in peace and somewhere where the kids aren't shut away. Make our apologies for not attending the party and wish her a good birthday.
Afternoon spent with my brother.
Problem solved.

However DH seems to think this is not going to be acceptable by the inlaws standards- thats where this becomes a problem concerning them rather than grandma. They want us at this party regardless of our pre-booked plans. This happens everytime we have plans, i am forced to drop other things-one year it was my own birthday treat that was ruined because they decided we had to be at a family get together instead!!
For anyone who thinks i don't care about grandma i know her and i know she will be more than fine for us to visit her in the morning instead. She is not comfortable sat in a busy place in the corner of the room surrounded by drinking people hence why she wont be staying long.

DH's family use any excuse for a party- this isn't about grandma at all. If it was they would have chosen something quieter like a meal etc, i'm not being pig headed but they don't want me or the boys there anyway. They will want dd and dh there as they see her as something to show off to distant family and i don't like it at all-she's not a toy they can pick up when they fancy. The rest of the year they don't even talk/play with her. All their grandchildren/nephews etc have been boys so they see her as a must have accessory when at any event. I wouldn't mind if they were doating grandparents, but they know nothing about her because they are the type to pop in unanouced and talk about themselves or how great other people are instead of paying any interest in us as a family.

We have not been invited to their house now for 18mths, they only pop in on their way to another persons house. They never go out of their way for us or even help us out when i/kids have been in hospital. My family will drop everything to help so this all boils down to a bit of loyalty too, why should i let the people who care about us most down when the ones that treat us like carp get what they want.

As it currently stands fil told dh that '3pm was alright wasn't it?' dh just agreed as he didn't want an arguement. My mum is waiting on me getting back to her as i told her there was a clash and she is being understanding but i'm fed up of letting her down. I am gratefull for all the suggestions but there are other time contraints that make doing a bbq later/earlier a problem. I will have to come to a decision at some point tody though.

Nimeth

lindseykim13 wrote: »

thanks for the opinions, i suppose i was just after some other viewpoints.
My initial suggestion when we discovered there was a clash was to go and see grandma for the morning of her birthday in peace and somewhere where the kids aren't shut away. Make our apologies for not attending the party and wish her a good birthday.
Afternoon spent with my brother.
Problem solved.

I agree that this would seem the best solution for both grandma and your brother. You get to see and spend time with both as you would like to without disappointing either.

However DH seems to think this is not going to be acceptable by the inlaws standards- thats where this becomes a problem concerning them rather than grandma. They want us at this party regardless of our pre-booked plans. This happens everytime we have plans, i am forced to drop other things-one year it was my own birthday treat that was ruined because they decided we had to be at a family get together instead!!

Who cares what your in-laws think. Personally I'd be telling them that I have a family of my own that needs me at the moment too and if they start guilt tripping about not seeing grandma, you can "Oh but I did see her, we went round this morning with the kids."

They will want dd and dh there as they see her as something to show off to distant family and i don't like it at all-she's not a toy they can pick up when they fancy. The rest of the year they don't even talk/play with her. All their grandchildren/nephews etc have been boys so they see her as a must have accessory when at any event.

This sort of attitude from your in-laws p*sses me off. Children are meant to be loved and cherished by their family, they are NOT meant to be worshipped or used as a trophy.


OP, it's not just you, my in-laws do almost the same thing, except everything gets dropped in favour of my OHs sister, even if we're desperate for their help. But if we have plans and they need help, we get grief for saying no, we're already busy. Totally know where you're coming from.

Darlyd

You do what you feel is most right.

Popping into see grandma in morning with a card and perhaps some choclate would be lovely, this is what we did when it was my great aunty inlaws 100th bday, as I was working MIL expected me to get it off but I couldn't. (she remembers DD2). DH popped in the afternoon with the kids too. But that was OK with me. As I was working anyway.

And you meet your family, have a BBQ or take away, IF DH goes to party then you know where his priorities are, and that is a different thread altogether. But the decision is up to you. Don't feel pressured.

pinkshoes

Ok, so you have visitors that day, so why can't your visitors come with you to Grandma's BBQ?!?

Just tell them that you had already invited your family over for a BBQ that day, so would they mind if you ALL come, otherwise you won't be able to make it.

balletshoes

I think going to grandma's in the morning all together with the kids is a lovely idea, then you don't need to go to the party for her later - you've seen her, spent some time with her, and thats the important thing, not your in-laws and how they feel about you not attending the party later. I'd say if DH wants to go, thats perfectly fine, why shouldn't he? If he's uncomfortable going alone, thats got to be his call.

Spring_Time

You said that Granny had a party last year and they left her sat in the corner whilst they all got drunk etc....

I am guessing from you saying that in one of your posts that you would of known this year when Grannys birthday was? Unless she is Queen like and has 2 a year? So when arranging with your brother, I do believe that somewhere in your mind you would of known Grannys shindig was coming up. Unless you forgot when her birthday is? Which seems unlikely as you said you are the only one to bother with her.

If this was me with inlaws like you describe, I would take the kiddies to spend time with her in the morning, come back and get ready for brother arriving, tell hubby not to feel bad if he wants to go to Grannys party but you wont be etc.

But with how my family is I personally would take my "lot" brother and all to Grannys party and stay for a couple of hours then go home and have family time with brother. Keeps everyone happy! In most families inlaws from both sides inter-mingle like that I think. Though of course not in every family.

Good luck Op!

Spring_Time

darlyd wrote: »

You do what you feel is most right.

Popping into see grandma in morning with a card and perhaps some choclate would be lovely, this is what we did when it was my great aunty inlaws 100th bday, as I was working MIL expected me to get it off but I couldn't. (she remembers DD2). DH popped in the afternoon with the kids too. But that was OK with me. As I was working anyway.

And you meet your family, have a BBQ or take away, IF DH goes to party then you know where his priorities are, and that is a different thread altogether. But the decision is up to you. Don't feel pressured.

Why should it be a big deal if he does go to his Grannys birthday party???:eek:

Mrs_Arcanum

Stick with seeing Grandma in the morning then devote the rest of the day to your Brother. Ask your children what they would like and if they wish to go to Grandma's party DH can take them for a while. Meanwhile stick to your guns over your bother & the BBQ. This is a one off event as he lives so far away.

Grandma's birthday may well be in the middle of the week and lindseykim13 could have no idea in advance which weekend day before or after the in laws would choose to hold the party.

onlyroz

It sounds like your husband is used to being pushed around by his family *and he lets them push him around*. I think you should all go over to grannies house at some point during the day, for an hour or so (either morning or afternoon) - taking your brother with you if necessary - but I think it's unreasonable of your in-laws to expect you to drop everything when they gave you such short notice.

However, it's your husband who needs to talk to them and not you. If he's unwilling then he should go to the party on his own.