In laws causing problems is it just me?

lindseykim13

I will try and be quick, my in laws have always been a pain and have never been able to take no for an answer, they are the type to kick up a fuss if they don't get their own way. From basic things like turning up uninvited to our house or not being able to accept that we are busy when they want us to do something.

Quite a few months ago the in laws mentioned that there was going to be a party in june at some point for my dh's grandma, they made no atempt to give us a date or time for this party. I expect they thought we would sit around all june waiting for it! To be honest i thought nothing more of it as people have these ideas and then nothing comes of it.

Fast forward to last week, my brother split from his partner (no kids but he'd moved far away to live with her) he'd taken it quite bad so my mum thought it a good idea for him to come see us. So he's going to be here for 1 day which i promiced we would spend with him so he can see my kids for the day. He's looking forward to it which is great.

So here is my dilema -In laws have now annouced that the party is going to be on the same day. Whole afternoon/evening.
My mum has asked if i can do a bbq at our house for my brother and other family in the afternoon.

Dh is being less than helpfull and when the in laws rang earlier to tell us what time it was going to start, they put him on the spot to agree that we would be there!! We had told them there was a clash a few days earlier but like they care!

I'm cross with dh but he feels some sort of duty to go, but i had already agreed to spend the day with my brother
So now i can't win, if we don't go to this party they will make life difficult and dh won't be able to relax. If i let my family down i will feel awful.

What would you do? Am i being unreasonable to say tough to dh's family because they didn't give us a date until after we had already made other plans. We can't do both, although i did suggest that dh could go see his grandma in the morning but not for the actual party but he seems to think he's going to get grief if we don't go parade the kids at this party like they are some sort of trophy but thats a different story. The whole problem is that the in laws want us to be at this party because everyone else will be there not because it is for dh's grandma and dh knows this thats why he's too afriad not to go! I'm fed up of being the one to suffer all the time

peachyprice

If the outlaws party in afternoon/evening and your having a BBQ in the afternoon for your brother, why can't you/OH do both?

Have your BBQ at lunch time and go to the party in the evening, or let your OH take the children in the evening while you put your feet up with your brother and a bottle of wine.

balletshoes

dh can go to grandma's do, you can do the bbq and spend the day with your brother. At least one of you will be representing the family, and if the in-laws don't like it, tough - quite frankly if nothing is ever good enough for them, don't let it upset you that the dates have clashed this time.

mumps

peachyprice wrote: »

If the outlaws party in afternoon/evening and your having a BBQ in the afternoon for your brother, why can't you/OH do both?

Have your BBQ at lunch time and go to the party in the evening, or let your OH take the children in the evening while you put your feet up with your brother and a bottle of wine.

Sounds like a good plan.

meritaten

have I got this right? you are now hosting a bbq which was arranged by your inlaws and YOU were informed of the date and time?
your last paragraph was a bit garbled and I dont understand it tbh!
I think you are saying that you are hosting the party (but YOUR bro is going to visiting that day and you wanted to spend it with him) - but your inlaws have railroaded you into doing this bash for your OHs grandma?

peachyprice

I don't think so Meri.

I read that the outlaws are having a party at theirs for grandma that OP, her OH and children are expected to attend, but they didn't give OP the date until recently. In the meantime OP's brother has arranged to visit OP's family and OP has arranged a BBQ for her family at her house on the same day as grandma's party.

lindseykim13

peachyprice wrote: »

I don't think so Meri.

I read that the outlaws are having a party at theirs for grandma that OP, her OH and children are expected to attend, but they didn't give OP the date until recently. In the meantime OP's brother has arranged to visit OP's family and OP has arranged a BBQ for her family at her house on the same day as grandma's party.

totally correct sorry meri for confusing you just a little angry right now.

mintymoneysaver

In all honesty if I'd known that their party was going to be in June, and then my mum asked about my brother I would have phoned my in laws up and double checked first, so that they definitely wouldn't have clashed. And I can also understand them wanting the great grandchildren there for the party, so that other people could see them.
I can see that you're now in a difficult position but I would do what others suggest, have your lunch bbq then send your husband and children off to the other party, send your apologies and have a nice evening with your brother with no children around.

coolcait

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

In all honesty if I'd known that their party was going to be in June, and then my mum asked about my brother I would have phoned my in laws up and double checked first, so that they definitely wouldn't have clashed. And I can also understand them wanting the great grandchildren there for the party, so that other people could see them.
I can see that you're now in a difficult position but I would do what others suggest, have your lunch bbq then send your husband and children off to the other party, send your apologies and have a nice evening with your brother with no children around.

I agree with this. Maybe that's why MSE made me lose my own post!! :rotfl:

Nicki

If they have been planning the party for a few months, albeit being vague about the date, is this because it is something special for granny? A special birthday this year, or anniversary, or she is ill and not likely to see next year?

I know you are annoyed, but I'd probably prioritize a long standing commitment with an elderly relative personally. Could your brother change the day he is visiting, come on Sunday not Saturday for example? Otherwise, as others have suggested I'd do my best to fit both events in.

lindseykim13

peachyprice wrote: »

If the outlaws party in afternoon/evening and your having a BBQ in the afternoon for your brother, why can't you/OH do both?

Have your BBQ at lunch time and go to the party in the evening, or let your OH take the children in the evening while you put your feet up with your brother and a bottle of wine.

The problem with this is that grandma is not going to be there for the whole time as far as i understand it she is only going for a short while as shes not up to it. If dh or all of us go later we stand a good chance of missing her. What outlaws want us to do is get there for start time of 3pm and stay as long as possible. DH has pretty much agreed to us all going at 3pm.
I have agreed to a bbq around the 2-3pm time and don't want to rush it and kick my lot out If we have it when we come back instead its getting on for 5pm for me a bit late in the day to start the cooking etc and not really the whole day with my bro.

balletshoes wrote: »

dh can go to grandma's do, you can do the bbq and spend the day with your brother. At least one of you will be representing the family, and if the in-laws don't like it, tough - quite frankly if nothing is ever good enough for them, don't let it upset you that the dates have clashed this time.

I think this might be the only option even though it's not perfect. I have 3 kids 1 of which is a toddler and really do need dh around to help when doing a bbq or other get together lol
Looks as though i'm going to have to struggle on my own or tell the outlaws to jog on which dh wont be happy about.
To be honest dh will have to face a load of questioning when he does turn up as to where the kids are. The only reason they want the kids there is for my dd as they like to pretend they are perfect grandparents in front of others and shes the only girl in the family. They are not remotely interested in our boys :mad: