In laws causing problems is it just me?

lindseykim13

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

In all honesty if I'd known that their party was going to be in June, and then my mum asked about my brother I would have phoned my in laws up and double checked first, so that they definitely wouldn't have clashed. And I can also understand them wanting the great grandchildren there for the party, so that other people could see them.
I can see that you're now in a difficult position but I would do what others suggest, have your lunch bbq then send your husband and children off to the other party, send your apologies and have a nice evening with your brother with no children around.

To be honest i didn't know, dh was told it might happen sometime in june/july that was around xmas time. It wasn't agreed/confirmed or even mentioned again until this week and no time given until today. This party is this saturday. Not much notice imo
I always check my diary when confirming anything that date was blank when my mum called about the bbq a couple of weeks ago. My bro is coming by train from manchester the last time i seen him was july last year!

Dh could take the older 2 boys with him but the one they want there will be my dd to parade. She can't go without me as i'm still breatfeeding her and i know she will hate it as she going through the i hate all strangers age and will let everyone know it :A

Not only that my bro wants to see the kids probably more than he wants to see me lol

grr its all a big mess and its me who gets the grief.

Darlyd

Calm down.

When we hold BBQ's we never light it till 5-6pm anyway. So tell your inlaws you will be there for 2-3, but you have to leave for 4-5 as you have your brother coming and he needs you. Could you Dad/Brother light the BBQ? If they are like mine, they would not say no to that. If not then sod the BBQ order a take away . Inlaws need to understand you have a life that does not revolve around them. Make it known to them, but in a nice way. I can understand your frustration as I have been there many times. And still continue to do so, But lately my DH tells MIL I will talk to the wife first, and I give the answer. (never used to be like this).

Good luck with your decision.............

Rockporkchop

Just ask your brother to come on Sunday instead of Saturday (or next week, or the week after!). If he's only travelling from Manchester, doesn't have any kids or a partner and isn't coming for a particular occasion, then what's the problem? Explain to your family that you now have a double booking and you would rather give them your full time and attention (and your husband's) on another day.

Yes, it was wrong of the in laws to let you know about it last minute but it's for his old gran for goodness sake. When they get to a certain age you can't book things too far in advance, it has to be when they are up to it. Don't make such an issue out of it, she won't be around for ever.

Anyway, your brother can't be that keen to see the kids if you last saw him in July and he can only spare a day this visit!!

hcb42

last post makes most sense to me, i was just going to suggest ask if Bro can go to Grandma's party.

She's 85, it's a big day, your brother can come any time he wants

coolcait

lindseykim13 wrote: »

The problem with this is that grandma is not going to be there for the whole time as far as i understand it she is only going for a short while as shes not up to it.

TBH, that sounds like a reason for going to see grandma/great grandma this time round. I've tried to think of less brutal ways to make the next point, but it's still going to be quite blunt, I'm afraid - you may not have as many other opportunities to see her.

.... I have 3 kids 1 of which is a toddler and really do need dh around to help when doing a bbq or other get together lol

Which begs the question - why have you been asked to prepare the BBQ for your brother and other family? If someone else hosted the BBQ, that would make it easier for your family to attend both get-togethers.

You've known since Christmas that your in-laws were thinking about doing something in June for grandma. You didn't get in touch with them when you heard that your brother was coming to visit in June, to make sure that it wasn't the same date. Maybe you had forgotten about it (your OP says you didn't think it would come to anything). Your OP is also very vague about details and timescales. For all I/we know, grandma turns 100 on 4 June, or thereabouts, which would make the whole scenario look very different.

The bottom line is that there are ways for you to make this work so that both sides of the family see you all on the same day. Your OH will have to tell his family that you can only be there for a certain amount of time; you will have to tell your family that someone else will have to host the BBQ.

Both of you have to be clear with your respective families

coolcait

hcb42 wrote: »

last post makes most sense to me, i was just going to suggest ask if Bro can go to Grandma's party.

She's 85, it's a big day, your brother can come any time he wants

D'oh, missed that along the way in OP's posts!

Different number, same principle. I'd still stand by what I said.

Nicki

coolcait wrote: »

D'oh, missed that along the way in OP's posts!

Different number, same principle. I'd still stand by what I said.

I can't see where OP has said it's granny's 85th birthday though, just hcb assuming that to be the case. I did ask if it was a special day for granny earlier in the thread but OP didn't answer.

What I find surprising is that OP's reaction is all about getting one over on her husband's parents because they are bad grandparents apparently who favour her daughter over her sons. There is nothing at all in any of her posts about not wanting to spoil granny's day, or any consideration at all for granny. Just seems like a huge shame to me that an elderly lady is going to have her celebration potentially marred just because OP doesn't like her parents in law much.

lindseykim13

Rockporkchop wrote: »

Just ask your brother to come on Sunday instead of Saturday (or next week, or the week after!). If he's only travelling from Manchester, doesn't have any kids or a partner and isn't coming for a particular occasion, then what's the problem? Explain to your family that you now have a double booking and you would rather give them your full time and attention (and your husband's) on another day.

Yes, it was wrong of the in laws to let you know about it last minute but it's for his old gran for goodness sake. When they get to a certain age you can't book things too far in advance, it has to be when they are up to it. Don't make such an issue out of it, she won't be around for ever.

Anyway, your brother can't be that keen to see the kids if you last saw him in July and he can only spare a day this visit!!

err thanks but there is a problem, he has booked and paid for a train ticket. He has no transport hence why he can't get down, he has a poorly paid job so can't spend his money on travelling when he needs it for rent (did i mention he's just split up from his long term g'friend so is renting alone)
He booked and paid for the ticket, arranged to take time off work on my say so because i was free. The only way he has managed to get down is because he is getting a lift back up to manchester from an old mate the next morning (sun) and my mum paid for the ticket down!!

The whole point in this visit is to show him he has family who care. He's on his own up in manchester with no family at all.
This poor old gran you mention only lives up the road and we go and see her when we can i don't see how going to a party where she will only be for an hour or so is any better than us going to visit her in the morning before the party.


So what you suggest is that i cancel my familys needs for a party that quite frankly is going to be about everybody getting drunk rather than anyone actually sitting down and talking to gran. We had the same party last year for her and i was the only one sitting with her as everyone thinks she is batty and can't be bothered with her!

Perhaps you have plenty of money to throw around on transport/petrol etc but my bro gets here to see the kids when he can and quite frankly who are you to assume he doesn't want to see them more often just that he is not financially able :mad:

lindseykim13

hcb42 wrote: »

last post makes most sense to me, i was just going to suggest ask if Bro can go to Grandma's party.

She's 85, it's a big day, your brother can come any time he wants

SHES NOT 85

shes 70 and has altzehimas so she has no clue who me or the kids are now anyway we see her every couple of weeks anyway

Nicki

So if she only lives a short distance from you, I am now really confused as to what the problem is!

You trust your family to get there while you are out, and light the BBQ and have a drink and unwind. You and your family go to granny's for 3pm. You can leave at 4pm and return to your family to play host. Your husband and all the children can stay on until your daughter needs feeding again. At 19 months she should be able to go a couple of hours at least without needing fed. When she starts to get fractious, or when granny leaves the party, whichever is earliest, your OH can join you and your family back home.

Result granny gets to see the whole family, you can do the cooking without having to worry about looking after the toddler and you get to spend a long period of time with your brother and family, and your brother can also spend a few hours with his nephews and nieces when they get back from granny's before bedtime.