In laws causing problems is it just me?

lindseykim13

pigpen wrote: »

Being a grown up and therefore able to make up my own mind about such things.. I would say to hubby.. if you want to go then please do but I am staying here with my family.. no guilt tripping attached just a do as you please because I intend to do as I please.

i have said this to him and none of this is his fault he knows what they are like. I have laid out the options to him
-he goes , i stay here with/without kids.
-we all go see grandma in the morning as i would like to see her too

he can't decide what to do as he feels/knows he's going to get grief off his parents anyway. They only thing they will be happy with is if we go at 3pm and stay for the day.
It is right in the middle of the afternoon which is a pain if it had been 2pm it would have been doable.
I don't want to let his grandma down nor my family, i feel i should go if dh goes as we are a family unit. It maybe an idea for me to suggest that we go at 3pm stay for an hour or so then meet my family for a takeaway instead.

coolcait

OP, if you wanted to go to the party, how would you make that happen? You've been given plenty of suggestions, how would you make them work?

If you don't want to go to the party, why do you need the agreement/endorsement of people on here?

Leave aside all of the history. You were told, at Xmas time, that a party was planned for June. You didn't take it seriously/forgot about it. Now you're double booked.

If you want to fix that, how do you do it?

If you don't want to fix it, then that's your decision. Why do you need internet strangers to tell you that it's not "just you"?

Once you can answer all of those questions honestly - to yourself - you'll have a better idea of where you're coming from, and how to get to where you want to be.

whitewing

Shame you can't take grandma to your BBQ as it sounds like she'd enjoy it.

pigpen

lindseykim13 wrote: »

i have said this to him and none of this is his fault he knows what they are like. I have laid out the options to him
-he goes , i stay here with/without kids.
-we all go see grandma in the morning as i would like to see her too

he can't decide what to do as he feels/knows he's going to get grief off his parents anyway. They only thing they will be happy with is if we go at 3pm and stay for the day.
It is right in the middle of the afternoon which is a pain if it had been 2pm it would have been doable.
I don't want to let his grandma down nor my family, i feel i should go if dh goes as we are a family unit. It maybe an idea for me to suggest that we go at 3pm stay for an hour or so then meet my family for a takeaway instead.

then make the decision for you.. you take the children in the morning to see gran and he does whatever he feels most happy doing in the afternoon/evening.. just because they are his family doesn't mean they own him he has freewill and a mind of his own.. if he is indecisive that is his issue.

If he wants to be at his family's beckon call so be it.. doesn't mean you have to be!

hcb42

Just ring Grandma and tell her you cannot make it.

pinkclouds

whitewing wrote: »

Shame you can't take grandma to your BBQ as it sounds like she'd enjoy it.

If this was actually feasible, then this would be the best solution! Alas, it is patently obvious it would never be permitted.

The poor lady has dementia yet the in-laws are throwing a massive party during which they will ignore and sideline her (based on previous behaviour). OP visits great-grandmother(-in-law) on a regular basis and is dutifully attentive to her. That is far more meaningful than a hastily booked, confusing, crowded event, which is only nominally for her benefit. Personally, I think I would visit the old lady at a suitable time (morning of the party or day before/after) and continue with own family plans. Everyone dies. That's not a reason to put a distant relation by marriage over and above your own sibling, especially in a time of need. Frankly, I doubt the old lady will know exactly what's going on anyway and will get more pleasure from seeing the OP, hubby and kids, somewhere quiet and familiar.

OP, I don't know what help to give you or what help you are seeking other than: I think you're quite justified in your opinion and you *should* do what feels right to you. *You* will also die sometime and you don't want to look back on your life and feel you always made the wrong decisions or that you were constantly bullied or guilted into bad situations. Life is short and precious for everyone. And, no, I wouldn't leave my nursing toddler for a long period of time, particular during those deeply trying "clingy" phases. (Sorry daddies out there but sometimes only mommy will do!)

baza52

So the party was mentioned to be around June but no date given.
You see Granny every couple of weeks.
Yet, you never picked up on the fact her 70th birthday was due or even thought the party might be around that day?

Youve made your mind up anyway

mummyroysof3

i would if in the same situation go at the start of the party and stay for an hour or so then go home, maybe your parents and brother would be willing to get the bbq started then you can eat at tea time, i wouldnt want to stay at a party with 3 young kids with loads of people drinking either hope you can sort it out

Abbafan1972

I have read this thread with interest and my opinion is that you both need to grow a pair and not be bullied by your in-laws.

You are both adults and it's the in-laws fault if they want to behave like spoilt little brats.

I think it would be a nice idea to go and visit grandma in the morning, deliver present/card in a nice calm environment. Make her a nice cup of tea and spend some time with her.

Go home and have the bbq with your brother and family.

As a previous poster said, if it's grandma's birthday, you must have known roughly what weekend the party would be arranged for and avoided arranging to see your brother that weekend.

January20

pigpen wrote: »

I am very strict in my dates.. I demand at least a weeks notice of anything... if I get less than a week.. I won't be participating.. and woe betide anyone who tries giving me an hours notice.. I go into meltdown.

I would feel like they had found out brother was coming and booked it on purpose.. 99% unlikely.. but I'd still think it.

Being a grown up and therefore able to make up my own mind about such things.. I would say to hubby.. if you want to go then please do but I am staying here with my family.. no guilt tripping attached just a do as you please because I intend to do as I please.

He could take the children for a bit while you have some peace with your family at home, agree a time he is to return them.. a reasonable time.. possibly about the time the drinking steps up a notch great aunt Bessie is dancing on the tables and the sotted old uncles are about to compare sizes of penis's for the 100th time (does everyone have these or just me? lol) the children get to do both, you get peace, hubby gets ratted and life goes on.. why is it a drama?

We could all die tomorrow.. if I knew the last time I would see my nephew was a few weeks after his 20th birthday I'd have said more than 'see you later' as we left.. he was killed shortly after in an accident.. you can never guarantee people won't die before the next time you see them..

This is the most sensible post in all of this thread! :T

lindseykim13 wrote: »

pigpen wrote: »

Being a grown up and therefore able to make up my own mind about such things.. I would say to hubby.. if you want to go then please do but I am staying here with my family.. no guilt tripping attached just a do as you please because I intend to do as I please.

i have said this to him and none of this is his fault he knows what they are like. I have laid out the options to him
-he goes , i stay here with/without kids.
-we all go see grandma in the morning as i would like to see her too

he can't decide what to do as he feels/knows he's going to get grief off his parents anyway. They only thing they will be happy with is if we go at 3pm and stay for the day.
It is right in the middle of the afternoon which is a pain if it had been 2pm it would have been doable.
I don't want to let his grandma down nor my family, i feel i should go if dh goes as we are a family unit. It maybe an idea for me to suggest that we go at 3pm stay for an hour or so then meet my family for a takeaway instead.

About time your husband learned to stand up to his parents and stopped letting them call all the shots! The first time will be the hardest and then they will learn to have a bit more respect for him and you.

You may be a family unit but you are not joint at the hip! I don't understand why you won't consider pigpen's advice? It sounds like the best compromise, and show the inlaws that you are a grown up with a mind of your own, and a family of your own, who might need you sometimes!

As for his parents expecting you to be there from 3 pm and then all day, it's ridiculous! If anyone put this kind of restrictions on me, I just wouldn't attend their party. End of! It's a party, not a jail
sentence!

The inlaws are causing you problems (as per title of your thread) only because you are letting them.