In laws causing problems is it just me?

lindseykim13

Nicki wrote: »

What I find surprising is that OP's reaction is all about getting one over on her husband's parents because they are bad grandparents apparently who favour her daughter over her sons. There is nothing at all in any of her posts about not wanting to spoil granny's day, or any consideration at all for granny. Just seems like a huge shame to me that an elderly lady is going to have her celebration potentially marred just because OP doesn't like her parents in law much.

I said in my opening post
We can't do both, although i did suggest that dh could go see his grandma in the morning

Which i actually meant we could all go in the morning we are completley free, if you knew the family and seen the last party they held for grandma you would know that she was left in the corner on her own for much of the time. I am the only one who sits with her, she repeats every question but i love her like shes my own grandma and am happy to do that where as mil will stand next to her and speak about grandma like a child and quite happily tell everyone how bad her altzehimas is and that she can't do anything for herself. She might have altzehimas but that doesn't make her deaf!

So you can see why i don't like my inlaws, this party wont be about grandma it will be about everyone else getting drunk with her left in the corner with me and the kids to keep her company. I would much rather go see her in the morning of her birthday and spend a good amount of time with her without all the hassle of mil slagging her off, snatching my dd to show off to people my dd doesn't know and is scared of etc etc. I might sound mean or a bit ott but my mil has been the bane of my life for the last 10yrs

coolcait

So, to summarise:
- Quite a few months ago your inlaws said that they’d be having a party for your OH’s grandma sometime in June (according to your OP). Your later post (no.12) says that they told your OH this around Xmas time, and that the party was planned for June/July. Plenty of advance warning, even if no dates were firmed up. However, you “thought nothing more of it as people have these ideas and nothing comes of it”.
- When the BBQ with your family was suggested, you didn’t speak to your OH’s family to see if the date (in June) clashed with the party they had talked about. Maybe you had forgotten about the party for grandma.
- You agreed to host your family’s BBQ – the one for your brother - even though your family commitments, in terms of your children make that difficult. Your family will be aware of those commitments, but they still asked/expect you to host.
- You are still breastfeeding your toddler, which I think is great for her health, and totally in line with WHO recommendations. However, at 19 months old, she should not be exclusively breast fed, so there doesn’t seem to be any reason why she couldn’t be away from you for the time it takes to go to a party for her great grandmother.
- You haven’t said why the family are having a party for the great grandmother. What’s the occasion?
- Your brother, who hasn’t seen you for a year, has had a life crisis and now wishes to visit. His conditions for visiting you are very restricted, due to his financial situation. Could the money being spent on the BBQ go to paying for his transport and/or rent, to ease your dilemma (and his finances)?
- Your family get together is presented as vital. Your OH’s family get together is dismissed. To the extent of being – IMO- quite cruelly dismissive of your children’s great grandmother and her needs, due to her illness.
- You say that your inlaws are the type to kick up a fuss if they don’t get their own way. You may need to take a step back and read your posts through the eyes of others.

Nicki

We cross posted but actually your last post makes clear that the whole thread is a red herring.

The issue isn't that your in laws have given you short notice about the party which has caused a logistical problem, but that you never wanted to attend the party in the first place.

You could do both, but as you clearly don't want to spend time with your husband's extended family, why not use your brother as an excuse and miss the party completely? You clearly hate your parents in law anyway, and it sounds like this snub to them will not make the relationship any worse than it already is. It isn't what I would do in your shoes mind you.

lindseykim13

you will have to tell your family that someone else will have to host the BBQ.

Both of you have to be clear with your respective families[/QUOTE]


we are the only ones with a garden



anywho i'm sure we will work something out, thinking about it this late at night dosn't help. Dh just ignores everything and lets me stress about it.

hopefully it's raining :rotfl:

coolcait

lindseykim13 wrote: »

my mil has been the bane of my life for the last 10yrs

And, if that's what this is all about, it would explain why your posts, and your reasons for not going, don't add up. Right down to the fact that you can blithely say that you love the old lady like she's your own grandma, but come up with all the reasons why you and your DD can't go to her party.

coolcait

lindseykim13 wrote: »

you will have to tell your family that someone else will have to host the BBQ.

Both of you have to be clear with your respective families

we are the only ones with a garden



anywho i'm sure we will work something out, thinking about it this late at night dosn't help. Dh just ignores everything and lets me stress about it.

hopefully it's raining :rotfl:[/QUOTE]

So you provide the garden, the rest of your family provide the organising, the cooking, the washing up, and all the other work. allowing you to go to grandma's party.

If you want to.

And that's what it boils down to.

Edited to add: cross-posted with Nicki, with whom I agree. The real reasons for this mess/dilemma are screaming out through your posts. That's really what you need to deal with.

hcb42

I dont know where I got 85 from. Perhaps I have been drinking lol. Or hallucinating. Perhaps I was confusing threads.

anyway, she is 70.

• I will give this story then. 6 months before my Dad's 70th, I was sitting with him in his local pub and planned with him a big family get together in Dublin, his hometown. We would all fly over, sisters and I, and spend time with his sister and nieces etc, two nights, nice hotel one big dinner etc.
• Four months later, i personally started to doubt his ability to fly. I voiced to sisters that UK might be a better option, i.e. within a couple of hours of hometown.
• Two months later, having visited, I started to doubt his ability to leave hometown. I told sisters this. (No one lived close, including me, but I saw him the most).
• Six weeks before birthday I had an idea that we would party at home, and all cook a course...this idea was agreed as the best way of celebrating
• Three days before birthday he rang me in a desperate state, he was not coping with illness. I went over and stayed for what was to be next 13 days. I was shocked at his deterioration in a week or two since seeing him, and suggested he could live with me if he wanted to - although I didnt know what was the best option for him at the time.
• One day before birthday, we had the party, eight of us, little dinner at home. He looked a little better than three days earlier, mostly as I had been cooking for him
• Day of birthday, he told me he wanted to see doctor.. I called emergency Dr and emergency nurse came out, and she was brilliant.
• Next day, we got him admitted to hospital
• Nine days later he died.

Now my point is I had one sister who was being quite stubborn over the location of this party. In fact at the four month mark she was adamant she wasnt coming as it didnt suit her to change...She also told me (on his birthday) I was wasting "nhs resources" by ringing them on a Sunday. (she is a nurse) Unfortunately for her, she has to live with those words.

Sorry for convoluted example, but whether she is 70 85 or 100, she is still someone who has reached a milestone and it wouldn't hurt to see her, especially as some notice was given.

pigpen

I am very strict in my dates.. I demand at least a weeks notice of anything... if I get less than a week.. I won't be participating.. and woe betide anyone who tries giving me an hours notice.. I go into meltdown.

I would feel like they had found out brother was coming and booked it on purpose.. 99% unlikely.. but I'd still think it.

Being a grown up and therefore able to make up my own mind about such things.. I would say to hubby.. if you want to go then please do but I am staying here with my family.. no guilt tripping attached just a do as you please because I intend to do as I please.

He could take the children for a bit while you have some peace with your family at home, agree a time he is to return them.. a reasonable time.. possibly about the time the drinking steps up a notch great aunt Bessie is dancing on the tables and the sotted old uncles are about to compare sizes of penis's for the 100th time (does everyone have these or just me? lol) the children get to do both, you get peace, hubby gets ratted and life goes on.. why is it a drama?

We could all die tomorrow.. if I knew the last time I would see my nephew was a few weeks after his 20th birthday I'd have said more than 'see you later' as we left.. he was killed shortly after in an accident.. you can never guarantee people won't die before the next time you see them..

hcb42

I completely agree, which is why it is more important than ever to remember their special days with them.

lindseykim13

coolcait wrote: »

So, to summarise:
- Quite a few months ago your inlaws said that they’d be having a party for your OH’s grandma sometime in June (according to your OP). Your later post (no.12) says that they told your OH this around Xmas time, and that the party was planned for June/July. Plenty of advance warning, even if no dates were firmed up. However, you “thought nothing more of it as people have these ideas and nothing comes of it”. correct
- When the BBQ with your family was suggested, you didn’t speak to your OH’s family to see if the date (in June) clashed with the party they had talked about. Maybe you had forgotten about the party for grandma. nothing had been mentioned since xmas we see the in laws weekly, yes i had forgotten as i had nothing in my diary and it was just mentioned to my dh it might happen but this date could have been anytime in june/july for all i knew or not happen at all. In laws were meant to give us a final date once/if it was booked but didn't get no invite at all until this week 5 days before the party.
- You agreed to host your family’s BBQ – the one for your brother - even though your family commitments, in terms of your children make that difficult. Your family will be aware of those commitments, but they still asked/expect you to host. no not at all, i was asked 3 weeks ago, i said it wasn't a problem as at this point i knew nothing of any party going ahead.
- You are still breastfeeding your toddler, which I think is great for her health, and totally in line with WHO recommendations. However, at 19 months old, she should not be exclusively breast fed, so there doesn’t seem to be any reason why she couldn’t be away from you for the time it takes to go to a party for her great grandmother. Thats fine but when she starts yelling for me as she is very attached and wants me when afraid i think its a little unfair on her.
- You haven’t said why the family are having a party for the great grandmother. What’s the occasion? birthday not a particular number shes 71 this year, they had one last year too at which i was left to look ater grandma with dh while everyone else got drunk
- Your brother, who hasn’t seen you for a year, has had a life crisis and now wishes to visit. His conditions for visiting you are very restricted, due to his financial situation. Could the money being spent on the BBQ go to paying for his transport and/or rent, to ease your dilemma (and his finances)? bit confused by this as its not going to solve anything giving him money to take back home, he wants a bit of fun to take his mind of things.
- Your family get together is presented as vital. Your OH’s family get together is dismissed. To the extent of being – IMO- quite cruelly dismissive of your children’s great grandmother and her needs, due to her illness.
my family (bro) will visit for 1 day only as miles away, dh's family all live close and see them weekly. Grandma is visited often as only down the road so again i don't see where you are coming from. Am i to tell my bro that i wont be seeing him for another year or longer? When we could go and see grandma tomorrow if she/we wanted? I'm stuggling to see why it is vital for us to go to a party in the afternoon when we could go see her in the morning with the kids. Would it make a difference? Please correct me if i am being mean by doing that. I have not refused to do anything i am just trying to work out a way of getting both in.
- You say that your inlaws are the type to kick up a fuss if they don’t get their own way. You may need to take a step back and read your posts through the eyes of others.

ok maybe i have come across wrong wouldn't be the first time, i would imagine it is the past experince of dh's family that has made me so defensive. I have had to invite members of his distant family to our wedding instead of my close family because they threw a fit. Been made to cancel many times because they came up with something that neeed to be attended more. They chose to miss our sons first birthday for a holiday, they chose to stay the whole day for my dd's first birthday even though i had specifically said i wanted the afternoon to ourselves. One year me and dh had planned a weekend away booked and paid for-we had to cancel because they threw a fit about us not being here for some last minute get together they planned.
It is ok for any other of my dh's family members to miss something but we are never allowed to miss something. In fact my dh had to leave me on my own with our newly born (same day) 2nd son because fil threw a paddy about wanting ds1 there for his work party!
The only reason i complain about the involvement of the inlaws in this is that this party wont really be about what grandma wants to do. In fact shes only going to be there for a short time while the rest are planning to party the night away. They could have also chosen to tell us sooner about the date/sent an invite as the rest of dh's siblings got one and aparantly have known about this for over a month. My feelings are that they just seem to put us is awkward situations. We are expected to never have a life as if they want to pop in and we are going out they insist on staying etc they never babysit, play with the kids or pay an interest in our lives. They come around and talk about themselves.
Dh knows all this but he goes along with what they want because he doesn't want to fall out. They previously fell out for 6mths because dh's sister was verbally abusive about me to dh and he flew of the handle and didn't speak to her again. Inlaws insisted that dh go and make up with her and she hadn't done anything wrong because i their words 'she is just like that'

Sorry gone on a bit too long i think i'm going to end my ranting here as i don't seem to be getting much help with my situation and looks as though maybe i am the bad guy and i will tell me family and my kids that we will have to do something another time.

I'm sure my kids will much prefer to be shut in the conservitory out of the way of the drinking adults like they were last time so grandma see's them for all of 5mins. I might as well be out there with them as i don't drink so i don't fit in with their ideas of normal anyway