OH's mum keeps buying us stuff!

Hard_up,_not_happy

Play her at her own game......

This 'generosity' of hers is verging on control freakish if you allow yourself to see it that way. This is your first home, you have all the expense of a mortgage, bills, council tax, running a car, etc etc. Who cares in those first few years together, when you are just starting out, if the kettle matches the toaster blah, blah, blah.

Use the cash that you would have spent on all those things to a) have a fab 'we are celebrating buying our first home together' holiday, b) put the money towards paying off your mortgage quicker, c) put the money towards buying a nice new car one day, d) put the money by to get what you want for the house a few years down the line, when it looks lived in, and you wouldn't be able to afford to splash out on new things.

If you really cant bare the idea of your first home being designed by MIL then you are going to have to stand your ground with this crazy bint and say so. Wouldn't it be lovely if she would apply some common sense and ask what you need for the house, and then say right I'd like to give you xxx amount of money, you go buy what you want. Unfortunately that is unlikely to happen.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do next OP.

minerva_windsong

I have got rid of stuff my boyfriend's mum bought me - not pricey stuff, but presents like lovely bags and wallets - because it just wasn't my style at all. If anything it's him asking about what's happened to it, not her! I felt terrible when I got rid of it but I know it went to a good home and someone who did want it, however I can't bring myself to tell her that what she's picking out is not my thing because I feel horribly ungrateful. So I do understand where you're coming from.

I would invite her to come on a shopping trip with you to buy new house bits, and to be really enthusiastic about the things you like - not necessarily over the top, but as close to that as possible, if that makes sense. Not the most subtle way to go about it but it might well work in terms of giving her more of an idea about the sort of things you and your OH would prefer. The wedding list idea is good too.

I was also going to ask if your OH had any sisters - it may be that she wanted a daughter but never had one, and now she's overcompensating with you as a replacement for the little girl she never had, which is why involving her in the shopping trip might help with things.

Brighton_belle

If this was "generosity" she wouldn't have had a paddy about someone else buying you a kettle.
This woman has serious issues going on I would feel invaded if someone did this to me against my repeatedly declared wishes. If you don't put your foot down now, it will be utter misery when you want to plan your own wedding and if/whenyou have children.

I don't buy the 'making up for the daughter she didn't have' arguement so you need to take her shopping be sympathetic and pander to her neediness. That's just emotional blackmail. Many of us didn't have the fantasy daughter we might have chosen, it doesn't make us take over other adults lives inappropriately just to selfishly meet our own neediness.

FATBALLZ

mountainofdebt wrote: »

The point is you've given her mixed messages : I'm happy to accept the £20K because it provides me with a deposit and clear the debt but I resent any any other involvement - when all she sees the other involvement as trying to help you

That's not a fair comment, most rational people wouldn't think that because somebody needs £20k to fund a deposit (which applies to most non-homeowners), they also want somebody to pick and choose all their decorating and appliances too (which applies to virtually nobody).

It doesn't sound like trying to help is her primary motivation, I'd be more inclined to think she has some mental condition that is satisfied by this strange behavior.

motherofstudents

wow, she reminds me of a friend of mine who was like this with her nephew and his girlfriend. She bought them a freezer but that wasn't enough, she filled it for them. Then when she had bought everything for the house, she bought them a car. It seemed to me she was trying to buy love which you can't do. Unfortunately she got into financial difficulties and when she couldn't buy them anything else, the nephew and gf were never seen again. She then fostered children but because she had by then turned to drink, she was no longer allowed to do it. The result of all this was that she became rather eccentric and started to take in stray cats, until she had over 40 of them. I do feel sorry for your MIL but what she is doing is stifling. There have been some good suggestions, wedding list and taking her out shopping with you. I don't like the idea of a letter myself, but that's just me. I would hate to be on the receiving end of something like that. I hope you can get the outcome you want without falling out with her. It sounds like she has been estranged from her son once and is afraid of it happening again but ironically the very thing she is hoping will keep him, is going to end up driving a wedge between you.

SuzieSue

FATBALLZ wrote: »

That's not a fair comment, most rational people wouldn't think that because somebody needs £20k to fund a deposit (which applies to most non-homeowners), they also want somebody to pick and choose all their decorating and appliances too (which applies to virtually nobody).

I don't agree with this. It all depends on the MIL's background. If she and her family were very poor (like my parents were) she might think that a fridge is a fridge. It is only recently in the last 20 to 30 years that people who move in to their first property expect to have everything immediately and brand new.

In the past, before credit cards and easy debt, people just had the bare essentials and had to save up for everything else like fridges and washing machines. So the MIL might come from an era where she thinks she is giving her children everything she didn't have herself.

I agree, her behaviour is extreme, but so is my mother's for other reasons, and short of cutting off all ties with her, there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried reasoning with her but it doesn't work, so I know how the OP feels. I belive my mother has some mental issues due to her childhood and so might the OP's MIL.

FATBALLZ

SuzieSue wrote: »

I don't agree with this. It all depends on the MIL's background. If she and her family were very poor (like my parents were) she might think that a fridge is a fridge.

This appears to rule out that possibility...

She threw a strop a few weeks ago because her brother bought us a kettle for our engagement and she said she'd already bought us one and that one "wouldn't match our toaster".

SuzieSue

FATBALLZ wrote: »

This appears to rule out that possibility...

Agreed, so it looks like she is just controlling like a lot of mothers, just like my mother is.

There is no easy answer, because, like my mother, she probably won't or can't change so they either have to live with it like I have or cut off all ties.

looby75

your OH mum sounds exactly like my MIL when ex and I got our first house.

Ex and I were incredibly grateful for all her help, but she really did go OTT with they buying stuff and I felt that I wasn't allowed to decorate, furnish or buy anything (ex wasn't that interested house stuff wasn't his thing lol) because she got in there first. I tried to tell her how I was feeling but because I was so grateful to her I didn't want to hurt her feelings and probably wasn't as direct and clear as I could have been.

One day it came to a head, I just blew and it caused a HUGE argument. Screaming shouting and never speaking to each other again were the order of the day lol

Then when things calmed down we had a good chat and came to an agreement about buying stuff etc. Which has been broken many times over the years lol but not to the point that it's cause such a huge blow out again

So basically my advice is be clear about what help you are happy to accept and if you have to don't be scared to stand your ground.

(oh and although my ex is now my ex my MIL is still my MIL and I will never divorce her )

somethingsgottogive

I can't believe that every person who's said 'oh, just tell her straight - be rude if you have to' would actually have the balls to do it themselves. This woman, who you get on with in every other way, is going to part of your lives until the day she dies, so why the hell do people think you'd want to risk bad feelings between you?

Have you tried keeping everything she buys you, in the rooms she spends time in when she visits? Pile it high, cookers, freezer, the lot - and then keep mentioning how cluttered it's getting without making direct requests for her to stop it? Or could you have a 'friend/friend of a friend who's having to start all over again with nothing' who you could tell your MIL your passing things onto?