OH's mum keeps buying us stuff!

ViolaLass

somethingsgottogive wrote: »

I can't believe that every person who's said 'oh, just tell her straight - be rude if you have to' would actually have the balls to do it themselves.

I did. The reason I did it via email was because I thought she would find it less embarrassing than being told it in person. Our relationship hasn't changed, I've not heard about the email through anyone else (and if it had upset her, I would have) and she's stopped doing the thing that annoyed me. Problem solved.

jetta_wales

You're going to be so screwed when if you ever have a baby lol.

Sorry :-)

Mojisola

somethingsgottogive wrote: »

I can't believe that every person who's said 'oh, just tell her straight - be rude if you have to' would actually have the balls to do it themselves. This woman, who you get on with in every other way, is going to part of your lives until the day she dies, so why the hell do people think you'd want to risk bad feelings between you?

EatingGlitter wrote: »

We've told her to please stop and not to buy anymore.

We're talking two rooms and a garage full of "stuff" every day I get a text saying "I bought you and OH the cutest doilies" "We went to a cute little shop in X and bought you all your new table mats"

She's even started stockpiling food for us now....

We've tried to explain to her that as much as we appreciate it all the little "touches" she is buying are either a)Not necessarily going to fit in our place b) not our style c) something we'd like to buy together.

somethingsgottogive - I do understand your point. This is the beginning of EatingGlitter's life-long relationship with her MiL and it could be soured if the way things are said upsets her.

On the other hand, it sounds as if they've tried the polite way and she isn't taking any notice.

I would try not to be rude but something has to be done so that she gets the message. It may be that saying something like - thanks, but I've already chosen the fridge (or any other item) that I want. Do you want to send this one back or should I sell it on and put the money towards the new one? - will give her a jolt.

Sweet_Pea_2

I can sympatise to an extent because my mum is a bit like this, (not as much as she doesn't have the money) but every time I see her she has bought me something - a potato peeler shaped like an onion, (yes really) which I will never use - its too big to go in the drawer, it cant go in the dishwasher, it hurts my fingers because of its stupid shape etc. Its frustrating because she loves giving presents and bless her, she means well. But 99 % of it I will never use, and then what do I do with it? I hate waste, and I feel really mean giving her potato peelers to the charity shop, but I'd have a house full of "tat" (as OH calls it) if I had kept it all over the years.

But I'd rather have this kind of interfering than my MIL's brand, which definately would not be gift related as she is hopeless at gift buying, but she has to have her own way all the time. You are lucky that at least your OH is with you on this, my OH sits well and truly on the fence which has also caused its fair share of problems over the years.

Good luck with how you deal with it.

popadom

Maybe shes doing it to feel a bit closer to you and her son.Have a chat with her,explain that you have diffrent tastes. Why not go out for coffee or a meal once a month. If shes after affection/wanting to be involved shell get this from the meeting. I would suggest a meal-say 2 hours? So its not a quick thing but something to look forward to. You took 20k so she maybe thinking thats the only way they like me/let me in thier life-money. You can then ask if she would like to come out shopping once in a while with you(make it a certain time, and always the same, say the second monday every month at 10. It will seem "real" then not something to fob her off)Try and get your partner to go over once a week, (she wont see your just after her for money) they can have time alone to catch up. Get him to take some biscuits over or a cake and have tea. He dosnt have to be their long, but shell feel needed. Honestly, if you have kids, this will be so much worse! You need to nip it in the bud but be nice about it. I know grandparents who buy kids lots of sweets when their parents say no(repeatly) buy boxes of clothes ,which sounds nice but can cause problems in arguements with them saying"i always buy x clothes you never do". Be nice though!

EatingGlitter

Just a quicky... haven't had a chance to read through all of this but would just like to point out the £20k given to us was inheritance to my OH from his grandparents that had been in trust and invested. We also had £20kish of our own to match the deposit.

So although she "gave us the money" she didn't if you catch my drift...

will reply full at lunchtime as I'm at work at the moment. Amazed at the huge amount of responses!

clearing_out_my_pockets

You really do need to nip this in the bud.

When I first started seeing OH we were both living with parents and saving for deposits. After a night out early in the relationship, I realised I'd forgotten my house keys so stayed at his house (after he'd woken his parents to 'ask' them). The next morning in the family bathroom, his mother had laid out a basket with a label on top saying "L - please help yourself to whatever you need". The basket contained a toothbrush, bar of soap, deodorant, a size 10 vest top, a size 12 vest top, a medium size pair of briefs, a medium size thong, and three 'guesses' at my bra size. :eek:

Years later and she's trying to interfere with wedding plans and still buys us 'stuff' we don't need.

Incidentally she doesn't have any daughters and I was the first long term girlfriend to be introduced. :T

ViolaLass

EatingGlitter wrote: »

Just a quicky... haven't had a chance to read through all of this but would just like to point out the £20k given to us was inheritance to my OH from his grandparents that had been in trust and invested. We also had £20kish of our own to match the deposit.

So it's money that belonged to your partner anyway, which makes a huge difference. I already thought you should be blunt and now I really don't see the problem.

KxMx

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, it really is true. If you don't come down firmly now you are storing yourself up a huge problem for the future.

My Mum, as much as I do love her dearly, can be very nosy and invasive, "just wondered" is something I used to hear alot! I realised part of the problem was me just answering automatically and giving an answer when she asked stuff. For those thinking well that's Mums, she used to ask, every single month, whether I was on period yet or not, and it was only a few years ago at 22 I put a stop to it, because reasonably there was no need for her to be asking that, and it was so annoying I had gotten angry about it.

Speaking to a friend she seemed to think it was normal. But she also allows her Mum to be too controlling, when they shop together if friend picks something out, her Mum will say "oh, you don't want that" or "It's too much money" (friend paying) and put it back!! :eek: There is no way I would put up with that.

I see my own future in that if I don't do something now, it won't stop and will only get worse.
So now I am evasive or I say "why do you ask?" and I think she is slowly learning not to be so nosy. It's hard because I know it hurts her at times, but for my own sanity I have to put myself first and do it.

I have to start all over again with this tactic but that is down to my being ill now, naturally she is worried and concerned but it does mean it's crept back in. But once I get sorted I will get us back on the right track, is a shame as I had her well trained lol!

Nimeth

somethingsgottogive wrote: »

I can't believe that every person who's said 'oh, just tell her straight - be rude if you have to' would actually have the balls to do it themselves. This woman, who you get on with in every other way, is going to part of your lives until the day she dies, so why the hell do people think you'd want to risk bad feelings between you?

Have you tried keeping everything she buys you, in the rooms she spends time in when she visits? Pile it high, cookers, freezer, the lot - and then keep mentioning how cluttered it's getting without making direct requests for her to stop it? Or could you have a 'friend/friend of a friend who's having to start all over again with nothing' who you could tell your MIL your passing things onto?

I have told my MiL straight as well and I can confirm that it is effective. Not being direct allows for too many crossed wires and confusion and can lead to an argument later when the OP finally loses her temper over it and the inevitable response of "why didn't you tell me earlier?" This I know from experience and my MiL is now learning to ask first before buying anything.

OP, I have total empathy with you, my MiL did the nearly the same thing! Buying us things we didn't need, would never pick out in a million years and the best of the lot, she would stock our fridge while we were away on holiday with a load of things we never eat. Full fat butter and a pint of semi-skimmed milk in the fridge of a pair of lactose intolerant people (which she knows about) isn't going to get used. Pate is her favourite leaving, despite being told at least 15 times that neither of us like it or eat it.:wall:

I wish that I had put my foot down a lot sooner than I did because by that time, the buying had become a habit. Do not let it become a habit for your future MiL, it will be that much harder to break it. Be blunt, be straightforward with her. You do not have to accept these 'gifts' and a simple "I do not need this/I already have one/I would prefer to pick this out myself but the I do appreciate that you thought of me" should suffice. As long as it's crystal clear that you are not comfortable with this controlling behaviour and repeat as needed, she should get the message at some point and the buying should stop.

If she wants to buy you things, that should be reserved for Christmas and birthdays only and YOU should pick something out and show it to her so that you're getting what you want and she can occasionally indulge and buy you something.

Simply put, being honest and straightforward from the outset will allow all of you to know where you stand with each other and is less likely to cause hurt feelings later on!