OH's mum keeps buying us stuff!

Nimeth

Molly41 wrote: »

You make it sound that you are doing your MIL a favour by allowing her to buy you somethings. No choice for MIL in the matter, no thought, no pleasure. How ungrateful :eek::eek::eek:

Oh yes, I'm terribly ungrateful if I allow her to fill my house with duplicates of things I already have or things I have absolutely no use for or buy me a heap of food that I and my OH will be unable to eat due to food intolerances because she does not ask me first whether I need it or would like it.

She does get pleasure out of what I suggested about birthdays and Christmas because she's pleased that she knows I will like and appreciate the gift. I do her the same courtesy in return by asking what she would like for her birthday/Christmas.

The OP in this case needs to put her foot down calmly but firmly and take back some control before it escalates into full on controi. She may end up buying clothes for the OPs OH next and telling them both how to dress next!

Desperado99

hey, at least it's new stuff! my MIL went through a phase of bringing us/ posting us OH's childhood things. Manky blankets, tins of old crayons.......

But then I did get to bin it all I suppose it's a lot harder when it's all new.

EatingGlitter

Hiya guys...

a bit of an update. My OH spoke to his mum and said to her (v politely) that as much as we appreciated it we wanted to pick out our stuff. We appreciate the big stuff that we would have maybe struggled to get but the little accents, the little touches, our food, wallpaper etc as much as it was appreciated it was upsetting us a bit as we didn't feel like it was going to be "our" house.

She seemed OK with it, she did say that "Whatever we didn't want we didn't have to take etc" but at the same time, it seems to be the same thing that has been said over and over again. She hasn't said that she will stop (and thats the one thing we made very clear. PLEASE STOP!) and she was like "Oh but I'm just so excited for you too." My OH replied saying "Yes so are we and we're excited about going out and picking our own cushions etc. We may not have a fully kitted out house yet but the enjoyment comes from saving up and buying these things ourselves (OH is a sucker for grafting/saving)"

We thought.... yay this is sorted now and then last night rang and said "I've got a removal guy for you". We are planning to self move and I've got excellent contacts with the local removal people.

To the people who are saying "Be grateful" We really truly are and I'm sorry if when you started out you didn't have much and would have appreciated the support and gifts we are being given. However at the same time I come from an upbringing where I was very much left alone to get on with things and with the relationship with my OH and his family it's been very similar. To all of a sudden have someone else imposing their taste on every little nook and cranny of your new home... some of the stuff you haven't even seen... to every time you go around their house for a cup of tea/meal be dragged away to see the rooms of stuff filling up even further... to hear the person moaning "We've not had people to stay in over a year. Hurry up and move already."....

ahem... need I go on?

CheeseCat

What did you say to her when she said she's got the removal sorted? You might have to put things a little more bluntly as I don't think its going in!

I totally sympathise with you, it would drive me mad being so stifled.

SuzieSue

Well, you seem to have tried everything to get her to stop but she can't.

I would personally set up a business on Ebay and sell all the stuff you don't want. From what you say, one of you could probably give up your day job and make enough money from that.

She doesn't want to listen and is just living her life through yours. Is she very lonely?

mummyroysof3

is the stuff all at her house and how long is it till you move in? i would just say to her if she saying it just ok to take what you do want that you will put a post it on everything to be taken and stand guard at your new home when it all arrives so she cant sneek anything in you dont want lol

MrsAtobe

Reading this post has suddenly made me very grateful that MIL2B only buys me a bunch of bananas every time we see her.... And no, I can't get her to stop, either lol.

Lilith1980

It sounds like a tactful word is needed where you and your OH sit down with her.

I think the term is sh*t sandwich where you say something good, then something not so good, and then something good again.

So, perhaps you could say something along the lines of: 'We really appreciate your generosity with buying us things for our new place, it's really kind of you, however we would like to buy some of our own things as we want to put our stamp on the house. We feel unable to do this at the moment because most things have been bought for us, but we want you to know that we have appreciated all you have done for us'.

Not sure if that would cut the mustard. I'm sure she is not meaning to cause you such stress but I think you need to deal with it sooner rather than later so that she knows to back off a bit really.

EDIT: sorry hadn't ready the above posts so my suggestion probably won't work! I don't like to say be blunt but maybe that is your best tactic??

CH27

Try writing her a letter explaining how you feel.
Having it in black & white may focus her mind better.

BugglyB

It sounds like you get on with your mother in law in general. I would say, maybe it is her way of being in your life and making herself 'necessary' to you and your partner? It may be her way of showing you that she loves you and still wants to be the mother that provides for her son. Maybe with her other children moving out she is getting empty nest syndrome - no-one needs me anymore!

It obviously hasn't worked talking to her, and personally I dont think letters ever help. Could you find something practical thats not 'stuff' related that you 'need' her for? Accompanying you to a doctors appointment, helping you plan a holiday or helping you with the garden or decorating? then you can make a big fuss of 'how could you ever live without her help', and she gets the message that you love her for much more than giving you stuff. Or does she use bringing round the stuff as an excuse to see you, perhaps you could go out to lunch with her. I dont know her personally so I have no idea whether this would work, but perhaps what she needs is to know that you love her for being herself and she is vital to your happiness with her son.

Ultimately try not to damage the relationship you have with her and (I mean this in a totally non-patronising way!) count your blessings. When it comes to mothers in law you can be safe in the knowledge that someone somewhere has it a lot worse.