OH's mum keeps buying us stuff!

floss2

OP, does your MiL have anything else in her life to occupy her, maybe part-time job, friends, golf, knitting, WI - or is shopping her only "hobby"? To me it sounds as though she has an addiction, and sees you two and your empty new house as a way of feeding it by shopping for you.

Maybe she would benefit from some diversionary tactics as well as being you both blunt about not wanting her choices?

EatingGlitter

Wow. Thank you so much everybody for all your advice.

Though I don't think she is "mentally unhinged" or anything I can see she's being a bit OTT and you're all right, it needs to be nipped in the bud.

She has said time and again that whatever we don't want she won't feel offended if we get rid of it but again, it's saying one thing but meaning another.

My OH is getting more annoyed with it than me I think. She always calls me or texts me and never him. The fact she wasn't around a lot either has left a bit of a bad taste in his mouth and I need to sort this out before it gets worse.

I think a bit of "Well, we've already picked out X, Y and Z but thank you" and "My sister wanted to buy me this..." will probably do well.

The thing is she hasn't been mean or anything but it is a little bit like she's trying to live her life through us.

We get on really well however and I think that if we're honest with her (together, not just me!) then it will be OK.

To other posters, no she doesn't have any daughters. Literally my OH and his brother who lives far away and I have to say his partner's mum is SO much worse (she does the thing that another poster said about she buys things and then demands the money!)

I'll let you all know how it goes and I'm sure whatever I do will be better than what my OH has suggested (Big bonfire in the back garden).

At the moment I can't say exactly what the extent is because we haven't even exchanged yet let alone moved in.

And thanks to everybody who shared their stories! It's nice to know (sort of?) that I'm not the only person who's had this happen to them

pmlindyloo

Have quickly read through this thread so apologies if this has already been mentioned.

Having had a MIL who took my 3 year old twins into a toy shop, sat on a chair and told them to choose anything they wanted (!) I feel I can comment.

MIL adored her son (my DH) and was extremely controlling. I was firm and polite about what was welcome and what wasn't. The key for dealing with her (in our circumstances) was to make sure DH and I were 'singing from the same hymn sheet'. In effect this meant that DH was the one to 'have a strong word'. In most instances this worked.

Of course, this may already be happening. I just wondered if the 'gifts' were not such a problem for your partner (most men, in my experience, couldn't give a **** about such things!) and MIL isn't aware how he feels.

Just a suggestion!


Sorry, just seen your latest post. So your other half is annoyed. Has he spoken to your MIL about it - noticed she aways phones/texts you.

deedardingle

When my husband and I first moved in together it was to a house just around the corner from his elderly mum. She was always buying stuff for us that we didn't need or want, nothing expensive - a lot of it came from the local second hand market, or she would give us things she no longer wanted. Almost daily she would buy us something such as meat, vegetables, sweets, cakes, biscuits and so on. She would even buy meat for my husband's sandwiches for work and bags of his favourite sweeties. Every week she would go into town and buy underpants or those cheap white sports socks for my husband and our three boys and maybe an ornament or those awful rosebud knickers for me. She was always buying the boys second hand clothing "for them to play out in". When we took her to the supermarket, she would look at what we put in our trolley then put the same things in hers then when we got home, she would tell us to take them as she didn't like it or it would be too much for her to eat. I would often be in the middle of cooking dinner when she would ring up and say for us to quickly get to her house because she had cooked a meal for us all...

All this used to drive me mad especially as most of what she gave us was what we had already bought in and didn't need or want, and a lot of it got wasted and thrown away. I felt as though I was being really ungrateful but it seemed to me that she was trying control and dictate our lives, even down to what we ate and wore. It wasn't that we needed any help as we were not hard up or struggling for money. I'm sure my MIL would have been very upset if she had known how I really felt as I'm sure her only motive was to help us. We would tell her to stop spending on us but she would tell us that it was her money and she would spend it how she wanted to. My husband was the youngest of her nine children and besides him being her 'baby', we were the only ones that took her out anywhere or did things for her, so I think it was her way of showing that she was grateful and saying thank you and it also probably made her that she was still needed and useful.

I do think OP, that you and your partner need to sit down with his mum and make it clear to her that although you are grateful for her help, explain how you feel and that you want to choose the things for your home together yourselves. I think she is probably only trying to be helpful rather than to control you but if you don't put an end to it now, it will escalate into other areas of your life and she will eventually expect to be involved in everything you do. Good luck!

fairydiamond

Forgive me, and if I upset anyone, I'm sorry. But you all seem a little bit ungrateful in my opinion. You say you are thankful, but really? Doesn't look like it. These gifts are because they love you. Not because they own you or anything else. I would be so overwhelmed and happy if someone bought gifts for me, even if I didn't really like the items. If it bothers you so much, just sell the gifts and use the money to buy her something lovely as a thank you. If my mother in law gave me £20k for a house deposit, I would lick her shoes if she asked! Sorry, the word ungrateful just springs to mind here. Sorry!

EatingGlitter

fairydiamond wrote: »

If my mother in law gave me £20k for a house deposit, I would lick her shoes if she asked! Sorry, the word ungrateful just springs to mind here. Sorry!

Please see the above post RE: Deposit! Xxx

fairydiamond

EatingGlitter wrote: »

Please see the above post RE: Deposit! Xxx

Aha, seen it. Sorry about that.

Kaz2904

The thing is fairydiamond, it's a bit narcissistic the behaviour isn't it? In years to come, they'll be sitting in their house drinking from MiL's cups etc and people will be saying the same as you "Oh lucky you, I wish someone would do this for me." Be careful what you wish for. It's like an invasion of your life.
My MiL bought my DD a bike for Christmas when she had just turned 2. We lived in a 1st floor flat, we had a 6 day old baby and there was no way we were moving soon. It was such a bad gift, I was so upset. 1 because DD just couldn't use it and 2 because the parents are supposed to go out and buy their children their first bike.
I think she may have eventually realised though because when it came up in conversation she would ask if we had used it and I would ask where I could use it. I'd point out that by the time I got DS in his car seat down the stairs and then his buggy down the stairs and then went back to get DD and the changing bag down the stairs, I was knackered and there was no way that I would then be going back up to get a bike down the stairs to be ridden along the extremely busy main road.
We gave the bike to our niece in the end because they have a garden. We have a garden now but I still wouldn't have bought DD a bike at 2. Oh and all the blasted inflatable toys. What was she thinking? She shops constantly and is always buying stuff for the kids. I won't take it though if I don't like something. She bought DD a coat. It was horrible, really chavvy looking thing. She showed me and I said,
"I don't want to be ungrateful but she already has a new coat and a waterproof and a going up the woods wet coat so she doesn't need another one, thank you anyway."
MiL said "Well no but I've bought it for her for school"
"She doesn't need one"
"You can never have too many coats, think about drying them"
"We have a tumble dryer"
"It was only £2 in the sale"
"There's a reason for that, it's horrible. She won't be wearing it because it's chavvy and I don't want her looking like a chav. Please stop buying her stuff all the time. We've only got a little house and I never get the chance to go girly shopping with her because you always turn up with clothes. We don't always like them either."
She probably got really offended but her rate of clothes buying has gone down rapidly.
She turned up many times with those gingham trim socks for DD in yellow but DD's uniform was blue. When I pointed this out she said it was for playing out in. Yellow school t shirts. I mean, yellow's not a good colour anyway but school t shirt too? I had to explain to her that there was no way that I was going to have DD having the pi55 ripped out of her all the time because we couldn't afford to buy her non school uniform so she wouldn't be wearing a school uniform unless it was a school day.
Lordy, epic post sorry!
In short, you are going to struggle to get her to stop and she will get offended but it is your house so you have to do it. Perhaps you should just pre-empt her with everything. If she says she's bought you something, say "Oh what a shame, that would have been lovely. Unfortunately we have just bought it ourselves and it's non refundable so you'll have to return this. Don't offer to return it yourselves because you've still accepted the gift then. Let her be the one who has to trudge around returning everything, it'll peter out eventually.
Good luck with your new home.

lostinrates

I've only skimmed the first page...BUT...things like the fridge bought through a family member made me think...in a few years a younger relative might need stuff for their home...you get some time spent paying your mortgage with essentials in place and then you give the stuff on to the next in line, then you two can choose your own stuff.

You do need to make boundaries though....otherwise she'll be helping similarly with bringing up your kids...and her taste might not match yours there either. The best way might be compromise. If she has spare money and wants to buy stuff let her know your favourite brands, for example, of toiletries, and invite her to HELP you choose things. Then she'll at least get an idea of your taste.

Now, those who are keen on being able to draw a clean lie in the sand here, which one of you fancies calling MY mother and telling her to STOP buying us freaky nutcrackers. I HATE them and have an army of them, ambushing from either side of the fire, falling out of cupboards at me, and marching up the stairs at Christmas.

Steel_2

lostinrates wrote: »

Now, those who are keen on being able to draw a clean lie in the sand here, which one of you fancies calling MY mother and telling her to STOP buying us freaky nutcrackers. I HATE them and have an army of them, ambushing from either side of the fire, falling out of cupboards at me, and marching up the stairs at Christmas.

Whoever sorts out your nutcracker issue can come and sort out my cat problem.

Just because I have three cats does not mean I want everything in my house to have cats on it. Birthday after birthday, christmas after christmas, cats, cats , cats. Cat T-shirts, socks, bags, cushions, cards, ornaments, tea cosies, purses, pictures, and - the ultimate - my MIL trying to slowly foist her epic collection of cheap chipped and tatty cat china ornaments onto me.

Every year I say "no more cat stuff" and every year I still have loads of cat stuff that goes straight into the car boot.