OH's mum keeps buying us stuff!

gizmo111

My dad was exactly the same! From the moment I left home he always bought me bargains to help me out - took me years to explain to him that it wasn't my choice and I liked to choose for my own house, he became a little more discreet and would do things like pay my RAc membership or say that he had bought himself something and got one free so I might as well have it, he then went on to buy me jewellery as what girl can refuse gold from her dad? - he always said that he wanted me to be looked after and not worry about money etc and my ex Husband stopped stresing about it and accepted the gifts in the spirit they were intended even though we didn't have the money back then to afford the things he was getting us,

When he became very ill he went on a mad (and I mean mad) spending spree to make sure that I didn't have to worry about replacing household items when he wasn't here to help me anymore. He passed away 4 years ago and my house is still full of appliances in their boxes that he bought me - I have 3 irons, an ice crusher, electric can openers, 3 slow cookers, mixers, blenders, juicers an amazing appliance that shrink wraps food, a blow up bed, gazebo, patio chairs, tent, 92 towels in varying sizes, enough bedding to open a small B&B, and many kitchen items - cups, placemats, serving dishes etc that I would never have chosen myself, sat navs, cameras and around 80 wristwatches as well as a laptop and enough xmas decs and lights to make a small estate happy. My dad wasn't reat on hugs and kisses but full of love and this was his way of showing it.

Maybe your MIL just wants to ease the struggle of setting up your new home or wants to feel included - take her shopping and show her the things you would like to have in your home - get her to spend some of her money on a nice lunch out for the 3 of you and let her treat you but make sure she has something in her life other than you 2. Beleive when the children come along they will be like little princesess to her!

Humphrey10

pigpen wrote: »

It isn't a present.. it is clutter if it is not needed!!!!!

Exactly! I've just moved, and every time my mum came to visit she kept giving me stuff 'that might be useful', at least it wasn't new stuff it was things she was getting rid of (she's just moved too). It was a bit irritating, I don't have the space to store stuff I don't need. I packed the unwanted stuff in a bag and gave it back to her, now she asks first before giving me stuff which is good.

OP you need to be clear with your MIL, explain that it is your house not hers, you have different tastes so might not always want the same stuff, maybe ask if she wants suggestions of things you were thinking of buying, if she really wants to buy stuff for you?

pigpen

an idea..??

If she is really intent on buying stuff.. find things you DO want and say 'I have seen this which is fabulous so I'm going to go get it when I have the time'...

See if she gets the idea and stats getting the stuff you do want..

cheepskate_2

Why not give her everything back, including the £20k, and say you and your boyfriend can manage fine and would like to do it all yourself as its your first house.

cakey

Would a comprimise be that you ask her if she would like to come shopping with you for items around the house, i know you wanted to do it just the two of you, but at the very least you can point her in the direction of things you like, and she then still feels involved

ailuro2

I'd write her a letter, that way she will HAVE to get the message rather than tuning you out.

Let her know you both love her to bits, but that she is causing problems because you can't do your nest-building together the way it should be done. Ask her how she would have felt if her mother in law picked out all the things for her first house after she was amrried. Suggest if she has too much money and would like to do something to help she could start a trust fund for the education of any future grandchildren, but let her know if things continue as they are that there is no chance of grandkids as she will end up splitting you guys up.

Let the other side of the family know what you're doing too so they can have a reply ready and they can agree wholeheartedly that she's over the top.

mrcow

If you think it's bad now, just wait until you start thinking about babies.......

Hectors_House

I think the suggestions being made that you take her shopping with you are good.

If you talk to her and show her the kinds of things you actually were intending to buy and she STILL continues to buy other stuff for you then you will know that there is a element of controlling behaviour going on.

In my own case my mother's behaviour during the finding, buying and renovation of my house was appalling (very controlling to the extent of leaving notes for me to come home to whenever she noticed something new in the house telling me whether she liked it or not and asking how much it cost) - it was the culmination of a lifetime of inappropriate behaviour and I've now gone no contact with her.

What does your OH think of this? Has she always been like this? And I wonder why his brother moved so far away?

I do hope you can get this sorted. There is nothing worse (when you've been brought up to be polite to people) then to be put in the kind of position you are facing.

CH27

Is she lonely & channelling her time & love to help you & distract herself.

Or is she a control freak who wants to dominate you & OH's lives forevermore?

If it's the first, take her shopping & make friends with her.

If it's the second, run for the hills:D

pinkshoes

Why don't you tell her that as much as you appreciate her spending all this money on you, you would also like to do the romantic thing of going shopping together (you and OH - not her!) to choose stuff for your house, but if she'd really like to spend her money on you, then how about she saves it up, and you all go on holiday somewhere nice together? (she pays...)