How do I stop disliking this kid?

blue_monkey_2

The OP could be describing my son, everything she has mentioned is the behaviour of my son.

As a parent who has a child who is on the go and loud all the time you tend to become a little immune to the noise and the hyperactivity and what I am chilled about and used to really annoys my in laws - my mum does not really care but my in laws expect him to sit and be still all the time which he cannot do. My FIL threatens to 'whack' him all the time because he 'cannot sit still and keep quiet'. MIL has made a comment about him 'being out of control' as well because he cannot sit there and be still and quiet on her lap while she watched TV which, it seems, is what all older people expect of kids. Happy if they are sitting nice colouring but they are a pain in the ar se if being children. We just do not bother going there now, they know where we are if they want to see us.

The parents probably do not have issue with how he is or maybe they are embarrassed about some of what he does (spitting food out for example) so do not make a a fuss - especially if he does this at home too. I am not condoning his behaviour at all but if YOU do not find it acceptable then YOU have to be the one to say. The parents cannot read minds, they are probably not seeing all that you do. And likewise if the parents are not there.

Also, 2 kids, one actling like this and one not - if it was the parenting they would BOTH be behaving like it because they are spoilt brats. This in itself would ring alarm bells for me. Can you not send them into the garden to play - they can jump around as much as they like there without annoying anyone then.

I always tell my son off if he goes to far but sometimes, it seems just having a conversation with my son is too much for some people because he asks questions and is (too) honest if they ask him questions. My BIL house is the only place I feel comfy taking him and where they are happy to let him be himself - unless MIL and FIL are there and then I am all on edge. Anyone would think they never had kids themselves, honestly.

My son has been diagnosed with having ADHD and Autism and acts the exact same way as the child in the OP. He would be thought of a loud, obnoxious, spoilt brat as well. He has done that with the presents as well, I apologise but it has already happened - but as they understand his condition they just tell me to change it for something he likes. He has usually changed his mind by the time they leave and is playing with it because they have not made a huge great big deal about it. They just now ask if there is something he really wants and if what he wants is too expensive we just ask for money to go towards it.

You know what though, the kids would probably be happy with beans on toast or something and it would be far less hassle. Why not ask them what they want next time, maybe they could even help you make it, if you make them feel welcome then they might be more relaxed - my son is 10x worse if he is out of his comfort zone.

At the end of the day there may be nothing wrong with this little boy but there is nothing to stop you imposing the ground rules the same way you would a child with these conditions - they need more than just telling. It means that things usually have to be written down because the rules are easily forgotten. Google Social Stories, you might find these useful and to have a social story for when he comes to grandpa's house as he will understand what is expected from him. It sounds really daft but these really do work and both I and the school have them for my son. You could also have a red and yellow card. The yellow car is to say 'calm down' and the red card it to say 'stop doing that now', these are just simple things that you would not need for 'normal'kids but for kids who do not seem to understand the rules, a little of extra help does no harm and will make you all much happier and relaxed about his visits because he knows what is expected of him.

anguk

It's hard with situations like this when you're trying not to rock the boat especially if your OH's relationship with his daughter isn't great. I've been in a similar situation with family's children and I tend to turn it around so it looks like you're sympathetic to the parents (even though you may be seething inside). So for example the situation with food, as much as I'd be tempted to take the plate and give the youngster a good telling off, what I would do is say something like "your poor mother must have such a hard time keeping you happy at every mealtime". If he's running around and shouting I'd say "your poor parents must have constant headaches with all the noise".

If you do this you're making the parents aware that this isn't normal acceptable behaviour but it also looks as though you're being sympathetic instead of criticising. Of course if the parents aren't bothered and think their little boy is an angel anything you do will fall on deaf ears but I can guarantee they'll end up with big problems when the little boy gets older if they don't start disciplining him now.

I agree with the advice about giving the kids something to do, if they're bored they'll be naughty. I'd get a special play box filled with a few crafty type things or small toys that they can sit and play with to try and keep them occupied.

globetraveller

Re getting the volume down Bill Rogers, who is quoted all the time when it comes to behaviour management in the classroom, suggests you actually mirror back (immediately)the behaviour you don't like. I thought it was stupid but surprisingly it can work.
http://www2.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=3750220
If you look further down that page it goes into more detail.

Mojisola

globetraveller wrote: »

Re getting the volume down Bill Rogers, who is quoted all the time when it comes to behaviour management in the classroom, suggests you actually mirror back (immediately)the behaviour you don't like. I thought it was stupid but surprisingly it can work.
http://www2.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=3750220
If you look further down that page it goes into more detail.

I know of someone who "cured" her little girl of tantrums by mirroring. When the little one threw herself on the floor of the supermarket and started screaming because Mum wouldn't buy her sweets, Mum did the same. Little one was horrified and shot to her feet - "Mum, stop it, everyone's looking at you!" It never happened again.

meritaten

globetraveller wrote: »

Re getting the volume down Bill Rogers, who is quoted all the time when it comes to behaviour management in the classroom, suggests you actually mirror back (immediately)the behaviour you don't like. I thought it was stupid but surprisingly it can work.
http://www2.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=3750220
If you look further down that page it goes into more detail.

lmao - remember that tv ad about the mum who went into a 'throw herself on the floor screaming tantrum in the supermarket'? I did that once - at home I hasten to add! it shocked my son speechless then sent him into gales of laughter - so it worked once! but, reminding him that I could throw a paddy sometimes would make him stop and think - and then realise I wouldnt do it in a crowded place! perhaps I should have done it in Tescos the first time!
yes, mirroring does sometimes work - just be careful that everyone else doesnt join in thinking its some wierd ritual! (just imagining everyone spitting in their plates).

heretolearn_2

thanks again - mirroring, yes, I can remember doing it a couple of times when my son was little and it worked, b ut somehow I think this would just end up as a shouting match :-)

bluemonkey, thanks so much for your post. Yes, it has crossed my mind that perhaps there is a problem with this lad, but I also know I'll get absolutely nowhere making any comments/suggestions about seeing the doctor (tried that for something else with one of the kids and just ended up with a huge row, also they don't really believe in doctors. the mum fell into very very bad depression for a few months last year, kids were taken in by neighbour due to neglect, mum wasn't taken to doctors, they just kept going to church to get her prayed for every night, yes I know that's ridiculous) so we'll never know. I'll google what you suggested and see if it helps; I like the idea of the red and yellow cards! It can't be easy having a little boy with these issues and I'm sure it doesn't help at all that people assume he's just being bratty. I do hope I'm not being unfair like that. But I do think it's just a case of being over-excited and not understanding boundaries of behaviour, in this case.

There is plenty here to keep them occupied, we have a roomful of kids toys, and we don't expect them to sit around in silence. But there's a halfway point between that and running around screaming.

Cheers all.

Probably got another 3 months before the next visit to get my tactics in place! :-)

jellyhead

I don't mean to sound horrible here, but I find it really strange that you think it's okay for your husband not to say anything to his daughter because he doesn't want to upset her, yet you think it's a bad thing that the daughter never says anything negative to her 6 year old. I'm confused.

jellyhead

Is this your OH's daughter that you mention being depressed? That makes things clearer, sorry for misjudging the situation.

globetraveller

Am I misunderstanding or are you saying its the boy's mum who suffered depression and the children were neglected? Poor sod- what has he gone through in his life?

gravitytolls

heretolearn wrote: »

ok, thanks, I guess I just needed to rant a bit and hear that I'm not the biggest beeatch in the world for not liking him :-)

I do feel sorry for him, he just has no clue about what is acceptable and what isn't, and we don't see him that often for any lessons we give to really stick, we are back at square one every time he comes round. OH sees them a bit more often, but I suppose I'm at about 3 times a year or so, so I should just put up with it, but I'm really dreading it.

Still, it's easier when his parents aren't here, we can be stricter without them thinking we are horrible, so I hope it'll be better this time. I'm normally v strict on good behaviour, but haven't felt I could interfere here before, for all sorts of complicated reasons. But I think you are right, I have to say something to correct him even if his parents are here, in future. I can't just sit there fuming.

Thanks everyone for the support.

You also need to bear in mind that not all children are likeable, with or without discipline. They are individuals, just as adults are, and just like adults, there are those that are just lovely and those that are just not.

How do you know there is nothing medically wrong?

In your home, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying 'no'. Perhaps if the parents see a change in his behaviour in your house, they may adopt some parenting too? It doesn't always come naturally, and with much smaller families now, children grow up in houses without seeing other kids being parented. Years ago, older siblings saw younger siblings disciplined, younger siblings grew up to see their nieces and nephews being raised, it gave them a headstart when they began breeding themselves.

Just one more consideration to throw into the mix..... How long has the boy been your SGS? Will it damage relations between yourselves and his mother?

I simply advise caution, there's been some good advise, praise for good behaviour, discipline with a smile ('oh what a pity, I had strawberries for pudding'), rather than just lots of no's.

Wonder if getting him involved in the kitchen might help him to appreciate the food?