How do I stop disliking this kid?

heretolearn_2

My step-grandson is a horror. Totally spoilt and obnoxious. I really dislike him. And it makes me be less than welcoming about having him visit etc. I got up this morning to find a note on floor outside bedroom from OH (who's gone to work) telling me his 2 grandchildren are coming to tea tonight. Obviously couldn't pluck up the nerve to tell me properly! So I feel kinda bad.

This is only a kid, 6 years old, so part of me thinks he can't help it as he's parents have spoiled him. But he really is awful. I just can't stand him.

a) He shouts loudly ALL the time, constantly. He runs around like a maniac ALL the time, jumping on furniture etc. He has to be centre of attention all the time.

b) He's so rude. He says terrible things and no-one ever tells him off. For example, we gave him his Christmas present, he opened it, and started shouting about how it wasn't what he wanted, he hates it, it's stupid, and threw it across the room. His parents never said a thing. Last time I cooked them dinner he started spitting the food out all over the table and shouting 'IT's disgusting, it's disgusting, I want proper food, it's disgusting' This went on for about 10 minutes and his parents did nothing.

c) we took him to a park when he was 5 and he saw a bunch of other kids riding their bikes round. He wanted a go, we explained that no, these were their bikes, never mind, let's go on the swings sort of thing. Huge paddy. Distracted him. He then marched over to an adult who had a bike, said 'I want to ride that', when they nicely said no, he threw himself on the floor and had a massive toddler style tantrum of screaming and crying that just went on and on an on. He screamed so much he was starting to throw up and just wouldn't stop for a good 15 minutes or so.

I don't think there is any medical reason for this, he seems normal enough just used to getting his own way all the time, and he's very bright.

How can I overcome my feeling about having this brat around , he is OHs grandson after all, OH finds his behaviour embarrassing but feels he can't do anything about it (not a great relationship with his daughter, he's scared to upset her)...this is ruining my day knowing this little monster is going to be here tonight. But I also feel sorry for him, everyone must hate him...

(PS His little sister is perfectly ok).

pigpen

my playgroup trick.. 'your child is doing X... your chid is jumping on a chair.. your child is doing Y.. did you hear what your child just said to A?'... The parents would be TOLD every time the child did something that was inappropriate.. the playgroup leader once asked me to go as a mum was taking her child who was very much like your SGS and she daren't tell her!! lol

The mum soon started telling him herself..

If he shouts tell him to shut up shouting or go outside he isn't in a field!!

or.. Tell him off.. and if his parents say anything tell them they are welcome to tell him themselves!

TBH.. I'd go out the minute they turned up.. or when he walked in say I hope you are going to be nice today as you were very rude and badly behaved last time you were here. I would possibly have a word with the childs dad.. he might be more responsive to being told his child is a little $h!t and needs dealing with. OR unsubtle comments like 'is he this badly behaved at school?'

globetraveller

your remark about your OH being too scared to upset this daughter has hit the nail on the head. Therein lies the problem. The child doesn't know any better. When he is in your house, if the mum won't deal with the behaviour you owe it to the child to deal with it. Time for OH to sit down with his daughter and tell her how she is ruining her son. Be strong- its for the best.

ciderwithrosie_2

He sounds really obnoxious - poor you! BUT, when they visit, they are visiting your home so some ground rules need observing, such as not jumping on the furniture or shouting. You shouldn't feel like you can't inforce this. If he had spit out food I'd cooked and complained about it, I'd have whisked his plate away and said 'you best not have anything else instead, I only have disgusting food in this house' Same with the Christmas present, it'd have been gone never to be seen again.

The incident in the park, where he was making himself sick from screaming, I would never let a child get to that state, they would have had a short, sharp smack to snap them out of it and gone straight home (only you can't even do that these days).

To be honest, yes it would be shame if you both didn't get to see the granddaughter but what are you really getting out of seeing the grandson? Would it be any great loss as you can't seem to have a normal relationship with him anyway.

Sorry but your OH needs to man up, leaving you notes because he knew you'd be annoyed and !!!!! footing around his daughter isn't the way to go and it seems the daughter is treating the son the same way.

themull1

You tell him to stop if the parents don't!!

whitewing

Children pick up and play up with bad atmospheres. Why don't you try and spend some time on your own with him? You're perfectly entitled to guide his behaviour while he is with you as long as it isn't nag, nag all the time. 6 year olds are quite capable of behaving well with one person even if not with others. Also, do lavishly praise when he does good things. You'll like him a lot more if you concentrate on what's good about him.

It may be that he reminds you of someone or a situation that you intensely dislike. Sounds all very stressful if OH is wimping out of discussing it with you.

BitterAndTwisted

You can't raise this child properly yourself and it's not your job either, fortunately. I think you have a number of choices:

Disassociate the child from the behaviour in your mind. As you say, it's not this poor child's fault that he behaves in this way.

Attempt to set firm boundaries about what behaviour you are willing to accept in your own home and what you are not. Spoiled children can learn very quickly and adapt once they know who will let them run riot and who will not.

Let the child visit but not be present.

Discuss with your OH how distressing you find this child's behaviour and what you could both do together try to help this child to understand what is acceptable when he's in your home.

Have the child's visits be somewhere other than your home.

Attempt to have a full and frank discussion with the child's parents about how you feel.

onlyroz

When the child is in your house I think you have the right to set the boundaries (it's a different matter if you're visiting his house). The advice from Ciderwithrosie is good. If he jumps on the furniture then send him to sit somewhere else on his own. If he spits out his food then take it away and say "what a shame, and I'd bought strawberries and ice-cream for afters as well". If he refuses a present then conveniently forget his birthday.

melancholly

your house, your rules. most kids respond well to boundaries anyway, so if they did actually 'parent' him rather than indulge his every whim, it wouldn't take too long before his behaviour was much better.

fingers crossed it goes smoothly tonight. but don't be afraid to say anything if he spits out food across the table - just tell him that you don't do that in this house and ask his parents to make him behave. most parents would be so mortified that their child had done that, that they'd apologise and try to ensure it didn't happen again.

as kids, we knew we had to behave at our grandparents. we couldn't run around as they had nice things we would break (our house was child safe!). the parents should know better but as they don't, you and your OH need to tell them, preferably together. or just leave the room with a 'migraine' after he's been a brat? should make the point

catfish50

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Let the child visit but not be present.

Seems like a good plan.

amersall

I can only echo what all the other posters have said.
My niece is like your step grandson (apart from the food business lol).She does not create with me because she knows i wont tolerate it.

The parents should be firm and have boundaries, if you overstep the mark then there is a consequence at the end, it saddens me that there is a generation of "parents" (not all) that have no idea when it comes to right and wrong and dont see what other people do where their child is concerned, and that i am afraid can only lead to even more trouble ahead.

If children have this kind of disrespect now, then god help the parents when they get in their teens.