How do I stop disliking this kid?

Dippypud

My DS1 has Aspergers, he's 23 this year, I have treated him no different from his brother or sister.

Their cousin, who is 12, also has Aspie, and has been pandered to since he was 3. His mother says 'it's not his fault he's ill'. He's an only child because" they didn't want another one that needs alot of attention".

My son has friends and copes reasonably well in social places. He has routines that help him cope and his friends know what to watch for to help if needed.

His cousin goes nowhere without his Mum or Dad.

Rev

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Why should she be - he's not her grandchild!

But he's in her house.

I don't care who's child it is, if they're in my house and the parents aren't stopping them jumping on things and spitting food out, and just generally being obnoxious. I will.

Why? Because I don't have to put up with that in my house. If the parents can't be bothered to discipline him, I will. If they don't like that, they are welcome to do it themselves or not bring the child around.

My 4 year old cousin can be a handful, especially for his mum. I look after him regularly and he's as good as gold for me because he knows I won't put up with it. So we have fun, we paint, draw, watch his favourite films, go to the park, play with the dogs, make cakes etc. Fun stuff because I don't have to spend time correcting his behaviour. If he's naughty he gets to sit for 3 minutes and not move, no playing, no film etc. That's a lifetime to him. So he's in no hurry for it to happen again.

Clearly he has no punishment for acting the way he does, he's a child, if he can get away with it, of course he will. IMO his parents need a good talking to.

lostinrates

Doozergirl wrote: »

Chalk is cheap and if they would be allowed to draw on the ground outside, they love it.

I'm just seconding this. I used to do it with my nieces, and I have a client now with a child, and a friend with a toddler....ALL of them, and sometimes us....get distracted by the chalk. I'm lucky I have a large concreted area, in goo weather the ''art'' lasts a bit and e.g. client's kid can pick up where he left off.

Oldernotwiser

Rev wrote: »

But he's in her house.

I don't care who's child it is, if they're in my house and the parents aren't stopping them jumping on things and spitting food out, and just generally being obnoxious. I will. .

Of course she shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour but the child isn't a relative of hers and sorting out the problem should be the husband's responsibility. It's his house as well and his daughter and grandchild who are the problem.

ramblinghaggis

I also agree with the your house, your rules and have no qualms putting it into practice. I have a nephew and lord knows I love him....but sometimes he can be a little hard to handle! However he knows in my house, when I am looking after him, that he wont get very far. Kids feel more secure and will respect adults that give them boundaries. You cant blame a six year old child for his behaviour when his parents sit by and watch. Have him round but make sure the parents know, you will be doing things your way and if the nephew cant cope with that, then he cant come over.

paddy's_mum

Rev wrote: »

I don't care who's child it is, if they're in my house and the parents aren't stopping them jumping on things and spitting food out, and just generally being obnoxious. I will.

Why? Because I don't have to put up with that in my house. If the parents can't be bothered to discipline him, I will. If they don't like that, they are welcome to do it themselves or not bring the child around.

I'm not 'picking on' this post especially but it has neatly put what quite a few other posters have said. On the face of it, of course, the OP has a powerful case for "I will .."

However, and this is where the sting in the tail lies, the OP will be putting herself in the firing line of the parents of the child and of her husband who have already proved that they are either afraid of, or have no intention of dealing with, the situation.

I'm quite sure that if the OP says 'then don't bring the child around', it is going to cause some monumental rows and perhaps lasting damage to the marriage and to the wider family. Grandpa has already shown that he would rather endure than confront. Where does that leave the OP if what started out as trying to prompt the parents into being more responsible provokes a ferocious ultimatum from the daughter - "Dad, it's that woman or me - choose!" OP must also bear in mind that it's her husband's house too.

All in all, this is a recipe for disaster because whichever way she goes, the OP is likely to be on the receiving end of unpleasantness of some sort. That's why I suggested (along with others) that she absent herself from the home when the child is due and as B&T already put it, perhaps Grandpa will find some male spherical objects if he is the one who is having to deal with the tantrums and appalling behaviour by himself.

So far, it seems as though the OP has handled more than her fair share of the fall-out. Hopefully, by politely bowing out and leaving Grandpa to face the facts, he will, in self-defence and exasperation, finally find the courage and common-sense to speak to his daughter and give her the kick up the backside she seems to need.

abacus73

Dont put yourself through it. Sounds like you have tried in the past to set boundaries for this kid and show him the kind of loving care he so desperately needs from his parents. To no avail really because you dont have regular enough contact to make a huge difference to him.

I think it is rather unfair of your OH to drop this kind of inconvenience on you by leaving a note. Do you have a nice friend who could call you about half hour after they arrive with 'an emergency'. My friend has helped me out like that when i've had dh family around. Grown ups who carry on in the same obnoxious way as your step-grandson, except for the spitting food out malarky, they just about manage to control themselves when eating.

Get out of there and save yourself from a migraine.

Rev

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I'm not 'picking on' this post especially but it has neatly put what quite a few other posters have said. On the face of it, of course, the OP has a powerful case for "I will .."

However, and this is where the sting in the tail lies, the OP will be putting herself in the firing line of the parents of the child and of her husband who have already proved that they are either afraid of, or have no intention of dealing with, the situation.

I'm quite sure that if the OP says 'then don't bring the child around', it is going to cause some monumental rows and perhaps lasting damage to the marriage and to the wider family. Grandpa has already shown that he would rather endure than confront. Where does that leave the OP if what started out as trying to prompt the parents into being more responsible provokes a ferocious ultimatum from the daughter - "Dad, it's that woman or me - choose!" OP must also bear in mind that it's her husband's house too.

All in all, this is a recipe for disaster because whichever way she goes, the OP is likely to be on the receiving end of unpleasantness of some sort. That's why I suggested (along with others) that she absent herself from the home when the child is due and as B&T already put it, perhaps Grandpa will find some male spherical objects if he is the one who is having to deal with the tantrums and appalling behaviour by himself.

So far, it seems as though the OP has handled more than her fair share of the fall-out. Hopefully, by politely bowing out and leaving Grandpa to face the facts, he will, in self-defence and exasperation, finally find the courage and common-sense to speak to his daughter and give her the kick up the backside she seems to need.

I agree with this to a degree. The OP shouldn't have to leave her house because of a naughty child. She is married/with the childs grandfather they are therefore a couple. If he can see how uncomfortable she is he should have a quiet word with his daughter and ask them to kindly keep their child in check. Kids aren't angels, but when they're being obnoxious to the point of the op's step grandson, something needs to be done.

If the OP just doesn't want to deal with the situation, then fair enough, go out when the kids come around. But that again will lead to 'well, you hate my grand kids/family' arguments in future.

londoner1998

heretolearn wrote: »

ok, thanks, I guess I just needed to rant a bit and hear that I'm not the biggest beeatch in the world for not liking him :-)

I do feel sorry for him, he just has no clue about what is acceptable and what isn't, and we don't see him that often for any lessons we give to really stick, we are back at square one every time he comes round. OH sees them a bit more often, but I suppose I'm at about 3 times a year or so, so I should just put up with it, but I'm really dreading it.

Still, it's easier when his parents aren't here, we can be stricter without them thinking we are horrible, so I hope it'll be better this time. I'm normally v strict on good behaviour, but haven't felt I could interfere here before, for all sorts of complicated reasons. But I think you are right, I have to say something to correct him even if his parents are here, in future. I can't just sit there fuming.

Thanks everyone for the support.

You can love someone and not like them... OH and I are going through this battle with his 12 year old- normally a very well behaved kid, whenever she spends more than one weekend with her mum( she is with us every week), she comes back obnoxious, spoilt and arrogant- believe me when I say I understand you. My OH is really struggling now, because years of saying 'yes' are coming back to haunt him. She doesn't seem to appreciate how much her dad gives her, how hard we work so that she can stay with us in a nice house and how , whether she likes it or not is my home too and there is no staying in bed'till midday with us or lounging around doign nothing just because 'I don't care'. The worst now is that her mum has started to try and turn her against my oh and it is all 'i don't want to go (if she is around, meaning me)', 'I don't want to see you', tantrums and tears. I have agreed with my oh that this is no way forward and we have to be united to control her- she is giving him such a hard time- I am now beyond the bad feeling stage- but I had years of guilty feeling becasue I have tried to instill a discipline that no one believed in- Finally OH told me the other day he now understands all the emotional blackmail she is imposing on him with the tears and tantrusm- At 12 she is old enough to understand.
Good luck with your SGS- but do not hesitate to mark your boundaries and demand sensible behanviour in your home- not good to train a bully so early on!
And BTW the parents can think what they want- you are doing what you think is best for the child and he clearly needs it

ailuro2

I'd ask if he has any problems at school, and how they are coping with it, but not within his earshot of course. Tell the parents that he will end up being "the only kid in class not invited to birthday parties" if he behaves like this. Ask them if they've thought about getting him tested for his behavioural problems. Then ask them if they would prefer it if you were out when he visits as it really hurts you to see him being so nasty to everyone and no-one saying anything about it.

Or you could just take the little sister out to let them have some "one on one" time with Grandad, then promise to do the same with him next time.;)