How do I stop disliking this kid?

Blackpool_Saver

OP, has the child been treated differently from the sibling?

meritaten

You cannot be disrespected in your own home in this way.I understand you are in a very difficult postition, and your OH appears to be walking on eggshells too. Can you sit and discuss with him a strategy for dealing with this sort of behaviour that HE feels comfortable with? would he be ok with you saying 'In this house - we dont jump on the furniture, please make him stop' to the parents?
I would suggest that when they come to tea/dinner that you make enough for everyone and tell them all what you are having - ask the lad if he wants that or would he prefer a sandwich/beans on toast? that way if he has already agreed to eat what you have made -at six years old- he will look a right prat if he makes a fuss. If he does spit it out again then excuse him from the table, saying that if he cannot behave perhaps he would prefer to not sit with you all. above all be calm!
as for jumping on furniture - is he bored? I keep a box of toys, pencils crayons and a sheaf of printing paper for the grandkids...........along with cards, DVDs and know the numbers of every channel with kids programs on!
you say you dislike the child - can you find one redeeming feature you can focus on? is he kind to his sis? loves animals? focus on this before he comes and you may find you can greet him with a genuine smile (kids can often suss out someone who dislikes them faster than adults can).

Alikay

It sounds like the child is going to be part of your life for a long time, so you'll have to find some strategy to make him seem tolerable! It's not his fault he has been given no boundaries and hence behaves appallingly, and although you can insist on some unruly behaviour being unacceptable in your home, he's not going to change dramatically without consistent discipline and encouragement from his parents.

My trick as a foster carer and cub leader is to find something that you like about him - even if it's just a nice smile, sparkly eyes or being especially gentle with your cat....there must be something? I've always found that if you make a real effort to like someone, it is possible!

Mupette

Try to learn to stop calling him kid.

He's a child, who obviously needs guidance and structure, something it seems his parents haven't bothered with.

Perhaps he feels you don't like him, if my grandparents be it step or not had refer'd to me as kid I'd be upset and feel singled out.

In fact i do have a step grandmother, i didn't know she was a step for many years, but she choose to love her children and grandchildren and couldn't really give two hoots about her step children/grandchildren.


She told my mum when i was about 3 that i was sly, that really stuck in my mind, i don't love this woman, she lies and twists stories to make people believe her i would go as far to say she is false.

Give the child some warmth and love, structure and guidance.

But for god sake don't let him hear or know you call him 'kid'

jackieglasgow

That's a bit over dramatic Mupette, I refer to my children and others as kids all the time, it is not a reflection of how I feel about them at all.

shellsuit

The problem isn't with the child, it's with his parents who have allowed his bad behaviour to continue.

His parents need a kick up the backside on how to discipline him.

Honestly, if someone brought their child into my house and they started jumping in the sofa, I'd ask the parents to have a word and if they didn't, I'd tell the kid myself!

When it happened to me in the past, I'd just say "can you tell X to stop that, I don't let mine do it so I can't let X get away with it".

If it continued after I'd told the parents, well obviously them nor the child have any respect for me and my home, so I'd make a mental note to not have them round the house again.

You need to start being firm ~ you don't need to be nasty, just let the child and his parents know that this is your house and X, Y and Z will not be tolerated.

globetraveller

I'm agreeing with mupette here. I didn't say this in my post but the way the title is written- "this kid" sounds awful. I put it down to just OP being so stressed.

heretolearn_2

Welll.l...so here we are the next day.

Yep, I agree that I do think of him as 'that kid' (well, actually, that's when Im feeling polite, his name in my head is 'bratboy' though I've never told anyone that before!) and I have to nip that in the bud and start thinking of him by name.

thanks for all the advice. I'm not really big on kids anyway to be honest, which is probably why this is getting to me so much. I like nice well-behaved kids, but the others, not.

It went ok last night. The way he's reacted over food in the past is sheer bratty and rude, but there is an element of it being unfamiliar food as his mum is not British and they've grown up eating food from another country all their lives. So I tried really hard in the past to cook something as close to what they might be familiar with as I could, and while I don't mind if they don't like it, I object to anyone being so rude about it! So this time I didn't even bother trying to please them and made spaghetti and meatballs and blow me if they didn't both eat it fine! It's helped that they are now both at school/nursery and getting used to food other than mums, I guess. Or just grown up a bit. There was a bit of 'I don't like X' but we just said, 'that's ok, don't eat that part then' and they just settled down and ate it. So fingers crossed the food thing has been grown out of. We also insisted they stay at the table for the whole meal instead of eating a bit and running off like they've done in the past, they moaned a bit, but did it. All of them got a bit silly and giggly over chocolate mousse looking like 'poo' which we let go on for a few minutes as they were just having fun, then OH stopped it when they started going to far. OH is a lot stricter with them when his daughter isn't around it seems....

We also had stepsons over this weekend, that's why they came over, to play together, as they are only a few years older. Have to admit that once dinner was eaten I took myself upstairs with the newspaper and left them and OH to it. Could hear the constant screaming and shouting and banging clearly from there, (at one point one of them was obviously bashing something against a wall) so much it gave me a bit of a headache, poor neighbours, went on for about 3 hours till OH took the grandchildren home.

So dinner was better, general noise levels not.

What do you do about a child whose volume setting is permanently set at 11? He literally can't just talk, ever, everything is a shout, even a 1-2-1 conversation. If you tell him, not so loud, or stop shouting, he just carries on at the same volume. He's very excitable and hyper all the time, I don't think he realises he is shouting, but it drives me nuts (and deaf). It's like having a 6 year old sized 2 year old in the house, which is weird as he IS bright as anything. Anyone got any advice on that?

And I'm definitely going to follow your advice to ask the parents to do something about it if he misbehaves here in future, instead of us all squirming in embarassment trying to ignore it. Although this may not work...one time the little girl as a little toddler was playing jumping round the door saying 'boo' to mum. swinging on the door. I could see trapped fingers coming up and said this. Mum just shrugged. Little girl ended up whacking her head in the door frame instead of fingers.

mrcow

The problem is that he's given himself a reputation with you now.

I'm sure his behaviour could be angelic for the next 3-4 months on the trot, and you still wouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt. Whereas if he'd been normal/pleasant to be around then you'd be giving him more slack. It's a completely normal reaction. Some children are just not very nice to be around - especially the winging, moaning, rude ones who can't even manage to sit still at a dinner table or behave appropriately when not in their own house.

He'll grow up quicker than you think and things will get better/be different. School is often a good influence because all of a sudden, they are somewhere where they have to behave or there are actually consequences. It's about boundaries - something that so many parents seem to have a problem with (even though it's hardly rocket science). It's just a shame that his parents don't have the basic common sense to appreciate that they are doing him no favours at all by bringing him up to be so abnoxious.

mrcow

heretolearn wrote: »

What do you do about a child whose volume setting is permanently set at 11? He literally can't just talk, ever, everything is a shout, even a 1-2-1 conversation.

You say, "Stop shouting at me/grandad etc. It's rude. Just talk normally."

If he carries on, stop him again and say, "xxxx, I've asked you to stop shouting. Talk normally. There is no need to shout".

If he carries on, tell him that he's not getting any pudding for dinner/some other consequence. See if it has any effect. He may need reminders and that's okay, but he should be doing as asked.