Want to leave OH can't bear living like this anymore

merlin68

Thanks for apoligising. I was just glad to find a job working from home, hence no childcare costs or travelling expenses. Plus it's easy work.

dark_lady

Dont blame you.

seven-day-weekend

I agree that children do not need to have 'bought' presents to make them feel special on their birthday.

The OP seems to think that her husband not buying a birthday present or wrapping them up means he's some sort of pond life. In many relationships there is one person who does these things; as long as someone does them, what's the problem? She was even annoyed because he was buying her a present on his way home from work. What is the problem here?

Her husband appears to be a hard worker and good provider in other areas.

I think she just doesn't like him. So I think she needs to take stock whether leaving him for these trivial reasons is the right thing for their children.

blue_monkey_2

The 12k on his credit card is there because his mother wanted to borrow the money and she said she put it on his cards - it's not added to their mortgage. So they are paying interest on it because she will not pay them back. I'd be p*ssed off too.

And have any of you tried getting jobs when you have a husband that works late and weekends? It is nigh on impossible to find a childminder for these kinds of hours. I have been in that situation because my husband did. This is why the partner said 'when will you do it' because he knows that she'll not be able to get a job around his hours.

I guess the little one goes to nursery to give the mum a break. No crime there. The husband clearly works a lot of hours and should contribute to this.

OP, if in your heart you need to move on then do. The OP has already said she wants to be nearer her parents as she obviously gets more support from them than she does her husband and this is why he will have to travel to see them. She already said she will work when the kids are all in school.

However, having a crappy relationship hanging around your neck will just lead to depression and the OP has clearly had enough and just wants to move on - these 'little things' that you are saying they are, are probably the straw that broke the camels back amongst everything else, the lightbulb she had to enable her to realise she has to go.

She will cope, she will write to her credit card companies and give them a token payment while she sorts her life out and she will get benefits her for herself and the children. OP, can you stay with your parents for a few weeks to enable you to sort somewhere to live? I hope that you come back and read and hope that you have been able to sort things out. And then see a solicitor - you should be able to get a free half an hour initially.

asbokid

dmg24 wrote: »

What job do you do Person_one? I find it difficult to understand how you can criticise someone who works to support their family, irrespective of what the job is (as long as it is legal)?

In much of the world, "tarot reading" would not be legal. Fortune telling was illegal in the UK until relatively recently (The Witchcraft Act 1735 was replaced by the Fraudulent Mediums Act 1951 which was only revoked in 2008). The 1951 Act used to read..

Any person who..with intent to deceive purports to act as a spiritualistic medium or to exercise any powers of telepathy, clairvoyance or other similar powers..shall be guilty of an offence..

A person shall not be convicted of an offence..unless it is proved that he acted for reward; and..shall be deemed to act for reward if any money is paid..whether to him or to any other person..

A person guilty of an offence under this section shall be liable on summary conviction..to imprisonment for a term not exceeding four months or..on conviction on indictment..to imprisonment for a term not exceeding two years..

asbokid

Person_one wrote: »

It should be against the law.

There is big money in "clairvoyant services" which are provided via premium rate telephone numbers.. Corrupt grunts in Whitehall no doubt receive bribes from those operating these services. The operators are probably the same human filth who run sex hot lines for dirty old men to get worked up over.

Lots of things should be illegal, and their criminality upheld through the criminal justice system. Just because the government has abandoned our interest is no excuse for our own lack of concern.

To all intents and purposes, prostitution and drug dealing are decriminalised in the UK. There is vast money being made from these industries which is ploughed into other organised crime, including terrorism. Much of the money is laundered and legitimised through the City of London and offshore British tax havens. It is at that interface that the financiers of organised crime (many of whom are respectable figures in the City) order the government to mind its own business about the origins of their dirty money.

themull1

too_much_debt wrote: »

He would be paying the mortgage, council tax etc anyway even if we weren't here. He has added £12k onto our mortgage which is the debt from his credit cards that he lent his mother.

It doesn't matter if I am working twice has hard for little money I have to sell on Ebay to make money no matter how much or how little it is as he won't give me any money for anything and looks at me funny if I even ask him to pay for something for his own kids. I can do Ebay at home while I have my kids, I am here for them if they are ill or if they have to be sent home from school, he doesn't want anyone else looking after his children. If I stop doing Ebay I don't have any other income and cannot get a job with his hours, I said once before that I would be happy to stack shelves in Sainsburys or Tesco at nighttime just to get out of the house, earn a bit of money and have some adults to talk to but he said no he didn't want me to do that.

I lost my Top Rated Seller status for 3 months and should hopefully get it back this month due to hard work, getting parcels out ASAP, that is why I go to the Post Office every day, I want the stuff out as quickly as possible.

1. I do Ebay when the kids are at school or when OH is here in the mornings when he is on the late shift, I do all my parcels then and post them so that I have it done before 1.20pm when he goes to work, then I have 2 hours before I have to pick the kids up from school, I also have DD here. I also do Ebay when the kids go to bed so it depends really how much time I can spend.

2. Yes of course he knows how little it is earning me but he doesn't care as long as I am getting some money in and not asking him he is OK.

3. Of course he supports me doing as it means he doesn't have to give me any money and I pay for things for the kids, he doesn't particularly like the stock that has to be kept in the house.

4. I don't know what he would do if I stopped probably panic, I shall ask him later what he would do if I said I wasn't going to do it anymore.

5. Yes he knows about the debt, he has about £10k of his own credit card debt.

6. I get the Child Tax Credits (about 34.60 a month) and also Child Benefit (183 a month), I spend more on the kids than on anything else incuding myself so yes it goes on them, DD3 is still in nappies (trying to toilet train now) which I always buy.

It isn't all about the money, it's about his attitude to things too, I don't know why everyone is just focusing on the money.

He has never done anything for me, when I had bad gall stone pain and thought I was having heart problems I had to drive myself to A&E (this was before I knew what I had wrong).

When I had my first child I rang him up at 9am when I was induced to ask him if he was coming in he said no he would be in at 6pm (visiting time) so I hung up on him, when I went into labour 2 hours later they asked me if I wanted to ring him and I said no so they called him, he never had any concern over me, just sat in the chair next to me chatting away to the midwife, didn't rub my back or try and make me comfortable or do anything to help me as I didn't cope with the pain very well.

When DD1 was 1 year old and I was 24 weeks pregnant with DD2, we went away for a long weekend to a hotel, I was paying for the room, so his brother and sil were staying there and he didn't come back to the room one night for about 2 hours and came back and said he'd had a few drinks with them, he had added all the drinks they had onto my bill so I had to pay for it all, now how many men would do that to their wife/girlfriend when she is not working has a baby and one on the way, I was so angry and upset that when we got back home the next night I was washing the babies bottles and switched the plug on with wet hands and got an electric shock, I went in to tell him and he didn't even get up, I had to ring for an ambulance myself.

He went to the chip shop two weeks ago, didn't say he was going just disappeared, came back with large chips, 3 sausages for the kids, fish for himself and when I asked him what he had got me he said a roll.

One time he wanted to buy a big music keyboard, I had to pay half for it.

A few months ago he said he was going swimming after work, he came back at the normal time he would have come back, I caught him out a few days later he had a receipt for the pub at the time he said he was swimming, he never said when he came back that it was too cold and he hadn't gone, he only told me that when I caught him out.

He's told me his life doens't revolve around me (when I was annoyed he was late back one day and couldn't go to the Post Office), surely if he wasn't going to be back in time he could have called to tell me.

He told me I was nothing without him.

DD1 was crying outside and DD2 came in and said she was crying, he went outside and DD1 told him DD2 and done something so he slapped DD2 really hard on the arm and left a big red mark on her arm that didn't go down til the next day.

I am certainly not staying with a man I don't love just because he pays the mortgage and bills.

But if he was this bad with your first child, why did you have more with him?

jayII

blue_monkey wrote: »

The 12k on his credit card is there because his mother wanted to borrow the money and she said she put it on his cards - it's not added to their mortgage. So they are paying interest on it because she will not pay them back. I'd be p*ssed off too.

And have any of you tried getting jobs when you have a husband that works late and weekends? It is nigh on impossible to find a childminder for these kinds of hours. I have been in that situation because my husband did. This is why the partner said 'when will you do it' because he knows that she'll not be able to get a job around his hours.

I guess the little one goes to nursery to give the mum a break. No crime there. The husband clearly works a lot of hours and should contribute to this.

OP, if in your heart you need to move on then do. The OP has already said she wants to be nearer her parents as she obviously gets more support from them than she does her husband and this is why he will have to travel to see them. She already said she will work when the kids are all in school.

However, having a crappy relationship hanging around your neck will just lead to depression and the OP has clearly had enough and just wants to move on - these 'little things' that you are saying they are, are probably the straw that broke the camels back amongst everything else, the lightbulb she had to enable her to realise she has to go.

She will cope, she will write to her credit card companies and give them a token payment while she sorts her life out and she will get benefits her for herself and the children. OP, can you stay with your parents for a few weeks to enable you to sort somewhere to live? I hope that you come back and read and hope that you have been able to sort things out. And then see a solicitor - you should be able to get a free half an hour initially.

This is a great post. I've been in the position of struggling to find work to fit in with young children, whilst my husband worked long hours. It is very very difficult. Both our families lived hundreds of miles away, and whilst my friends were supportive, you can only ask friends for so much help, before you risk alienating them. I was lucky in that we have a strong and happy marriage, I don't know how I would have coped otherwise.

It may also be that the OP making a firm decision to leave, and putting it into action, gives her OH the wake-up call he (arguably) needs, to start treating and respecting her as an equal partner.

Ultimately, no one should stay in a situation which has been making them miserable for years already. That isn't good or healthy for anyone, including any children they have.

blue_monkey_2

themull1 wrote: »

But if he was this bad with your first child, why did you have more with him?

If you are going to ask questions like this then also question why women stay with abusive partners? why do women have kids with them? Why do women have kids with men that beat them black and blue or put them in hospital? Why do women live with men that do not give them money for food, or that stop them speaking to anyone outside the home. Lots of why's that until you have been in that situation you cannot really question I am afraid.

You live in the hope that maybe things will get better, only it never does and one day you realise that you need to get out.

She has had her children in quick succession so no doubt this is probably why. She had probably had the third before realising that actually, life was not going to get any better and he was still an ar-se.

As someone else has said, life is as it is until one day you have a lightbulb moment and realise you have to get out. The OP has had hers, it is now time for her to go.

themull1

blue_monkey wrote: »

If you are going to ask questions like this then also question why women stay with abusive partners? why do women have kids with them? Why do women have kids with men that beat them black and blue or put them in hospital? Why do women live with men that do not give them money for food, or that stop them speaking to anyone outside the home. Lots of why's that until you have been in that situation you cannot really question I am afraid.

You live in the hope that maybe things will get better, only it never does and one day you realise that you need to get out.

She has had her children in quick succession so no doubt this is probably why. She had probably had the third before realising that actually, life was not going to get any better and he was still an ar-se.

As someone else has said, life is as it is until one day you have a lightbulb moment and realise you have to get out. The OP has had hers, it is now time for her to go.

I have been in that situation, why assume i haven't and start ranting on? i was hoping for a reply from the OP not a presumption as to why she had two more kids when he was clearly abusive from you..