Child Stealing and Lying

Mupette

FatVonD wrote: »

I too had an overly-controlling, overly-critical mother and I have little (no) love for her now I'm older. I've adored my dad for most of my life and it's only in the last few years I've allowed myself to lay some of the blame at his door too for being weak and enabling her. I had Godparents that I adored (and two young cousins that were their children) and they would often speak to my mum and say she was too strict (it made no difference) but they did always offer to have me to stay in the school holidays (until my mum fell out with them and they didn't speak for years because my Godfather moved his armchair closer to the fire in our house) and those visits make up most of my happiest childhood memories.

OP, I hadn't realised you were male so it may be more difficult to get time alone with her, I disagree about the letter (maybe a funny card occasionally if you see anything fitting?) and texting (in case it looks like grooming) but could you approach them and say that you want to take her somewhere and what date should you make it for so it's difficult for them to come up with an excuse?

Are there any activities you could involve her in that would need to be kept up on a regular basis (some sort of martial arts class would do wonders for her self esteem.)

It's a truly difficult situation and I don't believe social services would step in, look at how little power they have in cases where the abuse is life threatening, I can't see it happening, it's down to you to provide some respite. Good luck

Same thing here, i thought my dad was my hero, he fell off the pedal stool for me at my nan's wake when i realised he knew the way mum treated me.

I hated my parents for a few years, It is only now that they live in France, that i can let out a sigh of relief, and live my life, but have a relationship with them that i should of had when i was younger, we get on great now, but what happened as a child has left some very deep emotional scars that even at the age of 41 they are still there.

Amazingly they never rose their hands to their grandson, and adore him (partly because they never had the son they wanted - he was stillborn) they will do what they can for their grandson...

hoogervaaner

ladymarmalade1970 wrote: »

I would never force them to eat anything they didn't want as my parents did this with me. It's not good. Of course if you were really hungry you would eat anything but i feel food should be enjoyed. I never enjoyed food until i was about 30 and had a BMI of < 17 for years, even after 3 kids.

I absolutely agree with the above quote, being forced to eat something is a horrible experience. It taught me to hide food and be sly in it's disposal. As for being fussy, opening your lunch box to find a soggy pilchard sandwich is hardly likely to make most children jump for joy._pale_ One of the happiest days of my young life was swapping packed lunches for school dinners.

OP well done for looking out for this little girl, it certainly sounds as though she could do with someone on her side.

FatVonD

Mupette wrote: »

Amazingly they never rose their hands to their grandson, and adore him (partly because they never had the son they wanted - he was stillborn) they will do what they can for their grandson...

My mother doesn't even have that in her, we visited yesterday to find she has a picture of her next door neighbour's toddler proudly displayed on her sitting room cupboard while pics of my son are relegated to the bedroom.

FatVonD

Mupette wrote: »

what happened as a child has left some very deep emotional scars that even at the age of 41 they are still there.

One of the most cherished (backhanded) compliments I've even received was when someone said to me 'don't get me wrong, you ARE weird but considering how weird your parents are it's a wonder you're as normal as you are'. I did once try counselling and must have been a therapists dream because I was half way through a box of tissues on the first session! Sadly I was saving for IVF so couldn't afford to keep it up but it was money well spent!

faithcecilia

FatVonD wrote: »

It might not instantly make you a perfect parent but the act of bearing your own child fills you with a love of a type that ensures you will nurture and protect that child at all costs. A type of love that (unless you are damaged yourself, and in most cases even that seems to stem from overly harsh parenting and abuse) wouldn't allow you to treat that child in a cruel fashion and would have you fight to the death for them.

You could look after children until the day you die and have all the 'experience' in the world (and sorry but I've yet to meet a Roman Catholic that didn't have at least one cruel and sadistic nun/father at their school) but unless you've had your own child you will never, EVER be able to comprehend that type of love so, yes, that does put the mother of a newborn ahead of you.

So by your own reasoning, the mother here knows better than the OP. People seem to be missing the fact that this is not a toddler learning right from wrong for the first time, but a 9yr old who is a thief. In another year she will reach the age of criminal responsibility and if she gets arrested she will have far worse punishment than standing in a corner 20minutes! Her parents must get through to her that this is not just naughtiness but illegal! If that means 'breaking her will' then I'd say its well worth it to save her fom a life of crime.

BTW, I had no 'sadistic' teachers at school, and nuns don't teach anyway, religious sisters do in some cases but not nuns.

Triker

faithcecilia wrote: »

So by your own reasoning, the mother here knows better than the OP. People seem to be missing the fact that this is not a toddler learning right from wrong for the first time, but a 9yr old who is a thief. In another year she will reach the age of criminal responsibility and if she gets arrested she will have far worse punishment than standing in a corner 20minutes! Her parents must get through to her that this is not just naughtiness but illegal! If that means 'breaking her will' then I'd say its well worth it to save her fom a life of crime.

BTW, I had no 'sadistic' teachers at school, and nuns don't teach anyway, religious sisters do in some cases but not nuns.

OMFG....are you serious???

Are you the one who is a childminder, I think your registration should be revoked, you clearly shouldn't be working with children with an attitude like this.

faithcecilia

Triker wrote: »

OMFG....are you serious???

Are you the one who is a childminder, I think your registration should be revoked, you clearly shouldn't be working with children with an attitude like this.

I am not a childminder, I live with a family and follow their rules with the child. I actually very, very rarely need to punish the child (genuinely cant remember the last time I used the naughty step) as we have firm boundaries and he responds best to affection and encouragement. But with an older child who is breaking the law its a different thing altogether - child crime is on the increase and I actually think its more cruel to the child to let them believe that its okay to do bad things and it will all be okay in 10minutes time when they do.

BillTrac

But suggesting breaking the will of a 9 year old?

She is already being walked all over and rather than a useful suggestion, you want to break her!!

Why, maybe you could have suggested the workhouse, or a convent?

I think you should look a bit deeper into your soul, and then ponder whether yours was a suitable suggestion.

Triker

faithcecilia wrote: »

I am not a childminder, I live with a family and follow their rules with the child. I actually very, very rarely need to punish the child (genuinely cant remember the last time I used the naughty step) as we have firm boundaries and he responds best to affection and encouragement. But with an older child who is breaking the law its a different thing altogether - child crime is on the increase and I actually think its more cruel to the child to let them believe that its okay to do bad things and it will all be okay in 10minutes time when they do.

That isn't what you said though you said and I quote

If that means 'breaking her will' then I'd say its well worth it to save her fom a life of crime.


You are off your head, you haven't heard any of the clear child protection concerns all you choose to focus on that a child should be punished in this way because she may potentially (?) become a criminal if not!!!!

faithcecilia

Triker wrote: »

That isn't what you said though you said and I quote

If that means 'breaking her will' then I'd say its well worth it to save her fom a life of crime.


You are off your head, you haven't heard any of the clear child protection concerns all you choose to focus on that a child should be punished in this way because she may potentially (?) become a criminal if not!!!!

I used that term as that is what other posters have said is the result of expecting a child to be sorry for what they have done, personally I think it is ofter an act of will to choose to be sorry. This child has already stolen from the school tuckshop, so where would you suggest she needed proper punishment? When she steals from the supermarket? Or mugs an old lady?

As with any post on here, we only know what the OP tells us. It may well be that her mother is at her wits end over her daughter's behaviour. While I cannot condone her calling her daughter a cow, I can well imagine her getting to the point she called her manipulative and she may well be - I certainly could be by that age!

To play devils advocate, I wonder what the responses would have been if it had been a mother posting saying that her 9yr old was stealing, playing up at mealtimes, lying, in trouble at school and nothing the mother used to punish her was working? What is the mother was scared stiff her child would end up being arrested? Or that younger siblings were beginning to copy her behaviour? And on top of that, her sister in law kept coming round and criticising all she did?

I in no way say thats what the OP is doing, but we often forget there are 2 sides to every story.