Child Stealing and Lying

ska_lover

Thinking further, its almost like the mother WANTS her child to be bullied as in trying to get her to wear an old fashioned dress - now we all know how spiteful little kids can be and they would have took the mickey out of her for that. The little girl knew it.

skintbutsolvent

meritaten wrote: »

I have deleted about three replys faithcecilia. all I want to say now is that I totally understand your former Mother Superior. You have so much to learn.

Hang on, thats a bit harsh. We all have different opinions on things, and different ideas on discipline on punishment, but there is no need to be rude like that to anyone.

OP, if you are worried then talk to your brother again, and if you think the child is in danger then you need to contact the authorities, but as others have said you can only base it on what you see, not knowing exactly what happens when you are not there.

Humphrey10

faithcecilia wrote: »

And if she is hungry enough, she will eat what is put in front of her. I simply cannot abide fussy eaters and certainly wouldn't provide alternative food.

!!!!!! what is it with people like you? Would you force vegetarians to eat meat? Would you force people to eat things that are not universally popular like tripe, sushi, haggis, etc? Would you force Muslims and Jews to eat pork? Are some choices allowed (eg not eating meat, or spicy food) whereas other are not (eg, not eating basil), or is no-one allowed any choice at all?

I don't get where people like you get your ideas about food from. Every single restaurant I have been to in my life offered a choice of food. Every supermarket or food shop I have ever been in has offered a choice, most even offer multiple versions of the same food eg different types of apples. Why would they do this if everyone was happy to eat any old thing?

Everyone has some foods they prefer over others, and many people have foods they cannot eat for various reasons - taste, texture, spiciness, type of food (meat etc).

What exactly is your problem with people who want a choice of food?

Humphrey10

KiKi wrote: »

I wouldn't provide alternative food just because it wasn't cut the right way or wasn't the right colour etc.

So if you had to prepare food for someone who couldn't eat food that was cut in a particular way or was the wrong colour, they just would get nothing to eat? (eg, some people with OCD or autism might have problems with such things, and people do have phobias of the strangest things - eg I have a phobia of having my blood taken, logically this makes no sense as having blood taken causes no harm and does no damage to me, so imo a phobia of green (or whatever) food wouldn't be any more odd than a phobia of having blood taken).

I don't understand how people can be so cruel. How much trouble is it to ask someone their food preferences before preparing a meal?

gravitytolls

KiKi wrote: »

Apologies, I didn't see that the OP had said she was 'fussy'.

I agree - I wouldn't provide alternative food just because it wasn't cut the right way or wasn't the right colour etc. I'm just so used to people calling me fussy when I just genuinely, genuinely don't like the taste! I'm also vegetarian through moral choice, which cuts down my options (as I don't like raw veggies either, so no salad for me, except leaves!), and doesn't help my cause!

KiKi

One of our children is extremely fussy. We don't have a warzone, it just spoils mealtimes for everyone else. He will often look at dinner and say 'no thank you', he doesn't join us at teh table, we don't make a fuss, though we do try to persuade him to try it, and sometimes he thinks about it and returns to try.

He isn't allowed pudding if he doesn't eat, but he is allowed toast and butter if he's hungry later.

Basically the kid would live on bacon sarnies and lasagne if we let him, with the odd pizza thrown in for good measure!

ladymarmalade1970

All my children were dreadful with dinner times so i have always just said this is what i am making for tea, do you want it. If they don't that's fine, they just make themselves something else. I always have ham, bread, eggs, cheese etc in fridge and we always have a well stocked fruit bowl and general cereals. I think my daughter lived on ham toasties from about the age of 2 till 10. She is 14 now and will eat what we eat. My youngest is now 12 and he is just getting into food. He will eat Sunday roast with us. I would never force them to eat anything they didn't want as my parents did this with me. It's not good. Of course if you were really hungry you would eat anything but i feel food should be enjoyed. I never enjoyed food until i was about 30 and had a BMI of < 17 for years, even after 3 kids.
My children have a healthy attitude to food.
As for standing them in the corner. I don't like this punishment. I did used to send mine to their rooms and tell them to come down when they could behave or were sorry. Standing them in the corner makes me think of military school!
I find it concerning also that they don't go out other than school.
I think if i were you, i would actually ask the mother why she doesn't want you to take the child out. Just say something like "Do you know i have never taken my niece out, why won't you let me do that." I will be hard but just think of one sentence then say it and see what she comes back with.
The dress incident is just plain cruel. The best thing you can give a child is confidence and one of the worst things you can do is take it away.

DVardysShadow

faithcecilia wrote: »

Without seeing exactly what the child does, I actually dont see the punishments as that bad. 20mins isn't long for a 9yr old to be in time-out - I personally think it should be until the child is genuinely sorry (I know a child who has been 3hrs before saying sorry!). And if she is hungry enough, she will eat what is put in front of her. I simply cannot abide fussy eaters and certainly wouldn't provide alternative food.

If you are concerned, then try to talk to your brother, otherwise I would leave it be - you don't know what might have led up to the dress issue etc, or how badly she may have behaved previously.

With a little trepidation, I have to say that your reply reeks of excessive and extreme catholicism.

You CANNOT meaningfully punish someone until they are genuinely sorry. You can break their will to be openly defiant, but you will not get repentance, just visible submission. The danger is that it becomes an inner defiance possibly coupled with an expertise in deceit to give the appropriate outward signs. In the extreme, this will lead to behaviour governed by compliance with externals rather than an inner moral compass, expertise in deceit and amoral self serving behaviour which is only apparently compliant.

McKneff

I too am shocked by faithcecelias posts on here, i really coulndt believe what i was reading. A lot of my respect has gone out of the window I'm afraid.

I'm 61 and I still have an eating problem which people just do not understand, 'Just get it down you' I get told on a daily basis,
its not that simple, it's not even food I dont like, I can eat something small, which I like, I have 7 or eight forkfulls, still
enjoyng what I am eating then suddenly wham, the next forkful, I gag in trying to get it down, however much I try, so i have stopped trying, as soon as I get to that point, I stop. Strangely enough, I can go on to a pudding I like (a small one) and have no problem.

People do just not understand eating problems, same as they dont understand true depression, Dont knock it til youve walked a mile in some sufferers shoes.

pinkclouds

DVardysShadow wrote: »

With a little trepidation, I have to say that your reply reeks of excessive and extreme catholicism.

You CANNOT meaningfully punish someone until they are genuinely sorry. You can break their will to be openly defiant, but you will not get repentance, just visible submission. The danger is that it becomes an inner defiance possibly coupled with an expertise in deceit to give the appropriate outward signs. In the extreme, this will lead to behaviour governed by compliance with externals rather than an inner moral compass, expertise in deceit and amoral self serving behaviour which is only apparently compliant.

That's a little unfair; faithcecilia is merely very old-fashioned. It is possible to use strict "punishments" so long as the child is secure and well-loved. Tbh, I would prefer a time-out (near mommy) as opposed to sending a kid away to another room. There is a limit as to what a child can and will be sorry for, even with simple appropriate explanations; they aren't adults and will not necessarily understand (fully) why something is wrong but they can see mommy is upset and will normally be sorry for causing that upset and, for younger children, I think that is both sufficient and achievable.

As for the OP, the name calling is totally wrong. I don't know what I'd do... It depends on the relationship with the brother and SIL. Some sort of comments about it would be justifiable, whether that's pointing out that giving a child bad names ends up a self-fulfilling prophesy or expressing surprise that SIL's mom raised her to have such a foul-mouth. I don't think kids should be punished for crying but ignoring tantrums is generally reasonable. Pocket money is optional. The rest seems to be parenting choices, unless there are underlying issues - I would never force my kids to eat something they hated but I (as the parent) am in charge of buying and cleaning their clothes and if it's not in the wardrobe then it's not available to wear.

rosie383

I can completely understand why the child lied about the biscuit. Maybe she is a fussy eater. Maybe she is just bullied at mealtimes as well as at other times, and it makes me so sad to think of a child being treated like that.
If I was in the OP's shoes, I would be as much of a friend to the child as possible, and let her know that you are there for her. I agree with other posters, that she must have seen this type of behaviour frequently to be so concerned about it. Yes, kids can behave badly, and we don't always see what has led up to the punishment ( eg, you see a mum almost screaming at her kids to do something, and it may seem excessive, but that same mum may have had a whole day of being cheeked, disrespected or worse, by the kids, and you just see a tiny snapshot of her day). I think you can tell, if it is a family you are around frequently, if it is punishment given in love, or punishment just for spite.
It would be great for the child if she can look back at the OP in years to come, and know that she was someone who loved her, and someone whom she felt safe with.