How to convince my partner I'm a safe bet?

ViolaLass

For goodness sake talk about it. There's so much guessing and hinting and "I think this is what she wants" going on. It's just silly. Talk to her, find out what she thinks and discuss it.

euronorris

andymc29 wrote: »

One thing she says is about engagements rings should be three months wages, I'm totally sure she's joking here, no sane money wise person would suggest spending £6900 (3 x my takehome pay) on a ring, surely?

Yeah, people do. I know plenty of people who believe that you 'should' spent x, y or z amount on a ring and plenty of women who expect it.

If you are not happy with spending that much on a ring, it's best to be honest about it now.

I don't think I'd want to know how much had been spent on my engagement ring. The whole thing just seems a bit crass and only so I could say to others 'Oh look, and it cost X amount! Ooohhh!'. Eugh, I hate that!

Errata

We're ogin on holiday in two weeks to teh New forest, it's a cottage that's costing us around £250 each, I'm really looking forward to it, and she is to, but she does talk about it as being a "cheap" holiday due to me not having much money to spend. I don't like this as it makes me feel like she'd rather be going on a bigger holiday but I'm, holding her back.

Don't tell us, tell her. If you can't be open and honest about how you feel about things there's something very wrong with your relationship.

FBaby

I totally understand your partner's position. She clearly worked hard and did without to save and secure her future. She has now security in terms of investment and a good salary that allows her to treat herself. All she wants is to insure that her security will never be compromised and that her man has enough money to pay for himself what she can pay for herself so to share together.

You earn a decent salary and are showing that you can repay, however, you do have a history of total irresponsibility (building a debt of £20k in a few years when you don't have a family to support does make you wonder about bad habits, possibly addiction to spending) and you don't currently have any assets. You might be able to repay your debts at the moment, but what would happen if you were suddenly made redundant?

A few months after going with my ex, he acknowledge he had few debts (£2k) but was paying them off as earning a decent salary. When we discovered I was pregnant, he worked hard to save and I thought all would be fine. Unfortunately, when the pressure of being young professional parents fall upon us, his addiction to spending came back to the surface. Without me knowing, he took on credit cards and built debts again. He thought is was fine because his salary was going up and he could afford to repay every month. However, the minimal repayment became such that 1/3 of his salary went into it. I got tired of paying for a large chunk of the bills because of it. In the end, the stress, the lies etc... was too much for me and I left. 2 months later, he was made redundant and suddenly, he just couldn't afford the repayments, everything went downhill and his credit card company went after the house and put a charge on it. We just avoided others coming for more by him signing over the deeds and me managing just enough to get mortgage on my name only.

After this experience, I promised myself that I would never ever share my life with someone irresponsible with money. It's not about how much one earns, but about security. If I were in her shoes, I would want to be sure that you are not just insuring you can repay your debts, but that you can build some financial stability as she has. It is not a reflexion of her not loving you or being a money grabber, just very good awareness of what she could loose if you were to fall under your old ways again. She needs more time to be reassured, that's all.

make_me_wise

andymc29 wrote: »

One thing she says is about engagements rings should be three months wages, I'm totally sure she's joking here, no sane money wise person would suggest spending £6900 (3 x my takehome pay) on a ring, surely?

That is a very 'old fashioned' saying, think it was more applicable in my grandparents day than now.

I dont think the value of the ring is important its what it means to you that counts. My engagement ring is small, understated and didn't cost a fortune. It is the message my now-husband had engraved on it that is worth the most.

Susan_Frost

I've not read the whole post, so excuse any crossed post / misunderstanding.

You say you have 6 months left of paying your debts. Why dont you just quietly get on with paying them off, both enjoy yourselves within your means for that time, and stop discussing money all the time. It seems to be taking over your lives.

You have got debt, she is very good with money. OK. But in 6 months you will be more equal. NO you will not have all the assets she has, but you will be in a position to start doing positive things with your money, demonstrate that you, too, can manage better than before.

Debt is a difficult subject area, often depending on how you got there. But what is important is that you are obviously sorting it out, getting there, and in 6 months will be clear. A big positive in my book.

Surely then, she should be able to trust, and if not, maybe she would find it difficult to trust anyone.

Good luck

ovoreo

Just thought I'd add my observations, I think you've done so great!! Your signature says it all! You done amazingly well and being debt free is totally within your reach. Savour the moment it will feel good. I once had a relationship with a man who wasn't very 'good' with money but I recognise now it wasn't so much the debt he had it was more about his attitude towards money. I needed somebody who would want to pay off family debt above spending on luxury items or unncessary items, accepting that his debt was our debt and if were were serious we should sacrifice those luxuries like dinner out, takeaways, cinema etc and the desire to build some savings but also spend and enjoy life a little. So I guess what I'm saying is your progress speaks louder than words, that should be enough to convince your OH. You clearly want to get yourself under control and I was imagine whilst you've been paying off your debt you have a clear idea about your own attitude to money. I wonder if they will match up with your OH? You can't keep having being in debt being held over you for ever more and constant talk about 'cheap' holidays and cutting back can get very boring. I think you need to have the chat with her! Good luck. And well done on your debt management!

Mrs_Y

In my opinion, yes, you have obviously made mistakes in the past with overspending and borrowing money, but looking at your signature, you have made brilliant progress in clearing your debts!

I think you need to keep up the good work and continue to clear your debts - the end is in sight now!

I would suggest that you stay at your parents house until you have cleared your debts to zero, and saved up some money for emergencies e.g. car breakdown, before you think about moving in with your girlfriend.

If it was me, once I had saved the rainy day/emergency fund, I would then cut up and close all credit card accounts and reduce your overdraft limit to zero.

Once you have done this, get a copy of your credit report.

Now, once you have done all of this, you can say to your girlfriend, this is how much debt I was in, I have now cleared my debts, show her the proof, and if she is not impressed then at least you know you have done everything you can to proove to her that you are a 'safe bet'.

I think for the future, although you earn alot of money, you need to get into the habit of saving up for things, rather than impulse buying. Also, you need to consider if you move in with your girlfriend how much money you will spend on bills, how much will be spent on treats and going out, and how much you will put into a savings account.

I wish you all the best, don't get disheartened at this stage as you are very nearly there!

suited-aces

andymc29 wrote: »

yes, it does add fueld to the idea that she uses my debts as an excuse for us not living together. I'm not going to suggest this to her, but I will tone down the cost of things and see how things go.

One thing she says is about engagements rings should be three months wages, I'm totally sure she's joking here, no sane money wise person would suggest spending £6900 (3 x my takehome pay) on a ring, surely?

If she intends to quit work to become a full time wife and look after you, then fair enough, you should spend that sort of money, as an insurance policy against you running off and leaving her with no income.

That is how the tradition came about, if she isn't going to do that, then she can settle for a sensible one.

Loanranger

suited-aces wrote: »

If she intends to quit work to become a full time wife and look after you, then fair enough, you should spend that sort of money, as an insurance policy against you running off and leaving her with no income.

That is how the tradition came about, if she isn't going to do that, then she can settle for a sensible one.

Nonsense.

There are legal processes that ensure abandoned dependent spouses are provided for by their spouse.

Rings, like cars, depreciate. The mark up on jewellery is 100%. Thus a ring is worth half of the amount the minute you walk out of the shop.