How to convince my partner I'm a safe bet?

andymc29

I've been with my girfriend for two years now. She's known about my debts since the beginning, but lately seems to be getting more stressed about them.

She'd said we can't live together until I've cleared all my debts. We've been the completely opposite with money in our past lives, and the current situation is that she owns most of her house, has a small mortgage, has loads of money in savings, pays for everything in cash and would never buy anything on credit no matter what. Even though I have no problemsmeeting my monthly debt payments, and regularly overpay my debts, she still has problems trusting me about money and is very worried about our future.

I know that I'll be debt free in about six months and will be easily able to start buildin some real savings while living with her. She has a small house which we'll like to upgrade from in a few years and I don't see a problem in that.

But I think all this stress is affecting our relationship, I feel like a failure and wish I was more than man she wishes I was and I just hate that it all seems to biold down to how much money I have. Sometimes I think she sounds like a moneygrabber, but then I have to remember that money really does matter and you have to be sure your partner is sensible with it. I just think it's starting ot make her less attracted to me and I'm realy struggling to keep the flame alive now, I'm not saying we're about to break up, but the romance is definitly dying down, especially in the bedroom and I think it's to do with her worries over my finances.

Valli

In a way I can see where she's coming from but, as you say you have made brilliant headway in reducing your debts - have you actually shared this with her?

Perhaps her problem at the moment is she is worried you would, in effect 'use' her house in order to get yourself out of debt.

Talk to her, find out what she's feeling and what she's worried about.


Have you discussed your future plans as a couple - ie do you want to marry and/or have a family?

Apricot

Why do you think she sounds like the moneygrabber? She seems perfectly sensible to me and is just trying to protect her assetts that she has worked hard for.

Money is a big deal, especially when simple things that you do could effect her for the next 6 years credit wise (if she wanted to change her mortgage for example).

Tropez

If after two years she is still concerned about your history with financial matters then I would believe that there is possibly more bothering her at this point in time than just your debt.

You'll have to talk to each other, it is the only way you'll fully understand the situation.

euronorris

Tropez wrote: »

If after two years she is still concerned about your history with financial matters then I would believe that there is possibly more bothering her at this point in time than just your debt.

You'll have to talk to each other, it is the only way you'll fully understand the situation.

I would have to agree with this, as I'm not sure what else you can do to show her how much you've changed. Perhaps start with that question? Ask her what she needs to see in order to trust you.

andymc29

I think my best option, as she normally refuses to tlak about this, is to write her a letter (email), explaining everyhing. I won't do this yet though, I'll see how we go voer the next few weeks, this could just be a phase if she's been feeling totally knackered over the weekend. I'll take her out for a romantic picnic next weekend (weather permitting), and see how things go, if she's still cold and ignoring me when things get a intimate, then I'll write to her.

In response to the comments that I'd be using her assets to sort myself out. I earn 41 grand a year and am currently staying at my parents in order to save money to pay off debts, I own virtually nothing, and my only real big expenses are when we go out for meals or weekends away. to be honest, she sort of shoots herself in the foot and confuses the hell out of me like this. She says she wants me to sort my debs out as soon as possible, but then also expects us to go out for dinner at least twice or three times a month, plus only expects me to buy expensive good quality clothes. So really, I cna't see how I'm meant to win.

dmg24

You seem to be assuming that it is money issues that is causing a problem. Before sending her an email(!) about it, try to establish some facts. You could make things a whole lot worse if you don't ...

On another note, if it is money that is causing the problem, I can see where she is coming from. I have an ex who is useless with money, and whilst I still enjoy spending time with him, I couldn't let him back in until he is back on an even keel financially. I have worked too hard for what I have to see someone else potentially damage it.

brians_daughter

Hi Andy, i have replied to other posts of yours about the gf and £s in the past. Dont take this the wrong way (and what do i know of your relationship anyway!) But are you SURE its about money 100%?

Is it not possible shes used the debt as an excuse for you not to live together? oir maybe you are over anylising it? making you stressed and shes picking up on your stress iykwim?

I just feel that i would be so happy if my oh had almost cleared his debts and it meant we could live togther sooner..but we are all different arent we! I cant help but feel theres more to it?

How did it go a few weeks ago? I know you were looking at talking to her about the anount owed etc. i suggested you used a % rather than actual figures, did you have the conversation with her? How did it go?

Anyway, you cant convince her tbh you have done sooo well recently getting your debts down...if thats not proof enough for her i really dont know what is?

donquine

Most people have at least one issue that they won't compromise on in a relationship - it might be to do with having/not having children, following the same religion, sharing the same political opinion or having the same attitude towards money.

For me, money is very much the sticking point, so I empathise wholly with your girlfriend. If you want to convince her you're a safe a bet and someone to spend the rest of her life with, I don't think pushing her into living together now will work. I honestly think the way forward is to sit down with her (not send an email), explain you're thought about things in more depth, you understand where she's coming from, you're going to work hard to clear off your debts in the next six months with a view to living together after that, because you love her, because you want to prove to her you've changed your approach to money and because you are very serious about the relationship.

If she's backing away now, a large part of it may be to do with doubts that you mean what you say and promising to pay off your debts before raising the living together issue again may be the sign she needs to believe that you no longer subscribe to the living-on-credit-mentality. After two years, she must be thinking about whether your relationship can survive much longer or if you're too incompatible and she should consider walking away. I think you should focus on proving that you're no longer incompatible financially and you have the same financial goals in life.

She may want you to buy nice clothes and eat out at nice places because she thinks (not unreasonably) that you should be able to afford that and pay back your debts whilst on a £41k salary. Might not be a bad idea to tell her that whilst you can afford to do all those things, you really want to cut those six months down because you're excited about living together, so you want to start eating out at cheaper places, cooking meals together, going for more picnics, etc. I think it's the kind of unprompted gesture that would actually mean a lot to someone with her financial attitude.

I hope you can work things out.

go_cat

andymc29 wrote: »

She says she wants me to sort my debs out as soon as possible, but then also expects us to go out for dinner at least twice or three times a month, plus only expects me to buy expensive good quality clothes. So really, I cna't see how I'm meant to win.

Sorry but I think there are other issues here. It sounds like she is trying to change you / control you

Valli

andymc29 wrote: »

In response to the comments that I'd be using her assets to sort myself out.

No-one has said that! I said perhaps that's what SHE thinks you might be doing - I didn't say you were!

and IMO IF you are planning being together long-term you should be ABLE to discuss this - and everything else. Maybe she isn't in it for the long term (hence she doesn't want you living together in her house) and she just wants a good time (clothes/dinners out).