How to convince my partner I'm a safe bet?

bluenoseam

Look at it this way, she's paid for everything she owns & has saved a little bit of money to boot with only a "small mortgage" to concern herself with. She's used to being in total control of her finances to the point where she understands "i don't have the money, i don't have the item, simple!" but still enjoys treating herself a little so long as it's affordable. Now i'm not going to slate you for being in debt, but you're in a situation which she's done everything possible to avoid entering and as a result is wary that you'll be a negative influence on her in this regard - further to this she's concerned (either rightly or not) that if you decide to take the plunge and buy a house etc that ultimately your history will reflect negatively on your ability as a couple to achieve this.

By the sounds of it you've got your head down and are working hard to pay off your debts, but as a home owner the last thing she wants to be dealing with is having debt on her doorstep - something which i'm guessing you can understand, just keep plugging away and clear the debt then reconsider the possibility of living together. If she does decide to break it off, then i'm afraid you'll have to learn from the experience (following her financial ethos might be a place to start to avoid this situation in the future) and move on - not everything in life is built to last and frankly, you're never sure what's around the corner, for all you know some minted model/singer/actress could walk round the corner and scream "marry me now", stranger things have happened!

FatVonD

andymc29 wrote: »

She says she wants me to sort my debs out as soon as possible, but then also expects us to go out for dinner at least twice or three times a month.

Does she contribute to this or does she expect you to foot the bill? Next time she asks just say 'sorry, I can't afford it, I've paid off x amount from my debts this month and can only afford to spend x amount'.

Do you think it's possible that she might be thinking that, even once you clear your debts, you're not going to be bringing anything to the table financially? Maybe when you have your chat let her know that, if you buy somewhere together, you know that she will have put all the equity into the new house so you will be happy to own only 25% of it (or whatever percentage your half of the mortgaged part comes to.)

andymc29

I'd be happy to pay more of the mortgage on our house if we got our own place, so over time, the equity we had between us would even out. I'd want to think of it as "our" house, not hers.

FatVonD

andymc29 wrote: »

I'd be happy to pay more of the mortgage on our house if we got our own place, so over time, the equity we had between us would even out. I'd want to think of it as "our" house, not hers.

No offence intended but I think there lies your problem. She's smart with money and she's probably realistic enough to know that, while that may work out in the long term, in the initial stages if you were to split up she has a lot to lose. (I'm only saying this as I have been in the same position in the past and that was how I felt and it's actually a really, really difficult subject to bring up with someone.)

The other possibility I suppose is she could rent out her house and you could both save a deposit to buy something that genuinely was both of yours.

lookingforsun

bluenoseam wrote: »

Look at it this way, she's paid for everything she owns & has saved a little bit of money to boot with only a "small mortgage" to concern herself with. She's used to being in total control of her finances to the point where she understands "i don't have the money, i don't have the item, simple!" but still enjoys treating herself a little so long as it's affordable. Now i'm not going to slate you for being in debt, but you're in a situation which she's done everything possible to avoid entering and as a result is wary that you'll be a negative influence on her in this regard - further to this she's concerned (either rightly or not) that if you decide to take the plunge and buy a house etc that ultimately your history will reflect negatively on your ability as a couple to achieve this.

By the sounds of it you've got your head down and are working hard to pay off your debts, but as a home owner the last thing she wants to be dealing with is having debt on her doorstep - something which i'm guessing you can understand, just keep plugging away and clear the debt then reconsider the possibility of living together. If she does decide to break it off, then i'm afraid you'll have to learn from the experience (following her financial ethos might be a place to start to avoid this situation in the future) and move on - not everything in life is built to last and frankly, you're never sure what's around the corner, for all you know some minted model/singer/actress could walk round the corner and scream "marry me now", stranger things have happened!

If some "model/singer/actress" did set their cap at the OP & he was so flattered that he went off with them, then I would seriously suggest that the OP's gf is much better off without him! What that suggests is that the OP's gf is OKish, but a model/singer/actress would be so much better & too big a temptation to turn down - if he loves his gf then even Lady GaGa ripping her clothes off in front of him could tempt him - unless he really was shallow.

OP I don't know what to suggest. I've been in the same situation as your gf, only I took the jump. I think she is so concerned with the future, that she's not living in the present, though I do think that it would be best to wait until you're in the clear (which is 6 months).

andymc29

I wish she would just "take the jump". I tried explaining to her that it's more important how much you have left at the end of the month than how much you have saved in the bank that matters. In that, yes I might owe over seven grand still, but I have a large amount of spare cash each month to put towards that, and teh only payments I need to make each month are about £320, so it's not a huge amount and leavesme with plenty to play with. I think she's just been in her safe little world too long to think about taking a chance on anything or anyone.

rinabean

I think most adults want a "safe little world" because safe little worlds don't involve the risk of repossession and so on. I don't think you can compare someone who is prudent with money and someone who isn't to, you know, someone who likes rollercoasters and their partner doesn't. I get the impression from your posts that you don't actually like her that much...

smartpicture

andymc29 wrote: »

I tried explaining to her that it's more important how much you have left at the end of the month than how much you have saved in the bank that matters.

Actually, it's not. Money left at the end of the month is money you could potentially save. Money in the bank is money actually saved. There's a big difference between the two. And if you said that to me, I'd be worried too that you still don't get it.

make_me_wise

andymc29 wrote: »

I've been with my girfriend for two years now. She's known about my debts since the beginning, but lately seems to be getting more stressed about them.

She'd said we can't live together until I've cleared all my debts. We've been the completely opposite with money in our past lives, and the current situation is that she owns most of her house, has a small mortgage, has loads of money in savings, pays for everything in cash and would never buy anything on credit no matter what. Even though I have no problemsmeeting my monthly debt payments, and regularly overpay my debts, she still has problems trusting me about money and is very worried about our future.

I know that I'll be debt free in about six months and will be easily able to start buildin some real savings while living with her. She has a small house which we'll like to upgrade from in a few years and I don't see a problem in that.

But I think all this stress is affecting our relationship, I feel like a failure and wish I was more than man she wishes I was and I just hate that it all seems to biold down to how much money I have. Sometimes I think she sounds like a moneygrabber, but then I have to remember that money really does matter and you have to be sure your partner is sensible with it. I just think it's starting ot make her less attracted to me and I'm realy struggling to keep the flame alive now, I'm not saying we're about to break up, but the romance is definitly dying down, especially in the bedroom and I think it's to do with her worries over my finances.

It sounds like she is exceptionally good with money and has done very well for herself. I could understand her feelings more if you weren't doing anything to clear your debts and were trying to free-load off her.

As it is you seem to be sensibly dealing with your finances and getting on top of them by yourself. You have a good idea about what you want from the future and sound like you are able to work towards it.

The gut instinct I have is that your girlfriend has had her fingers burnt financially in a previous relationship. Impossible for us to speculate really. Maybe she feels that not only is she commiting herself to the relationship but everything she has worked so hard to achieve.

My husband and I were quite unevenly balanced financially, when we met. I had my own place he was still at his parents. When we got our first place together we put down an equal deposit and got a joint mortgage. The extra equity that I got from the sale of my property I put into building my own business, which is going well and covers my share of the mortgage, bills, monthly spends and my own money. He has a good job and covers his share of everything and then has his own spending money. We combine incomes where necessary and keep them seperate where it is not. I couldn't stand to be in a relationship where I had to ask someone if I could buy something or do this and that because it was 'our' money. Works for some but definately not for me.

Sorting out the ground rules financially in a relationship spares alot of worry, angst and potential resentment building up. Talk it through and clear the air is my advice.

Mme.Hibou

It's no wonder you're stressed, you've been writing threads about this for 18 months now.