How to convince my partner I'm a safe bet?

podperson

I think you really do need to sit down and talk to her about this. I can understand that you having these debts would be a worry when you first got together - but if you have been together for 2 years now and you have been consistently reducing them, with an end date in sight now, and hadn't had any issues with taking anything else on or overspending in the meantime then I think I would be feeling much better about it - not worse as she seems to be! Perhaps there's something else that's bothering her, or she has other worries about moving in together and the debt is a convenient excuse at the moment.

andymc29

smartpicture wrote: »

Actually, it's not. Money left at the end of the month is money you could potentially save. Money in the bank is money actually saved. There's a big difference between the two. And if you said that to me, I'd be worried too that you still don't get it.

I don't mean that I always have 700 quid say in the bank, this would go on debt payments. I know how much I have coming in, and going out, then make sensible overpayments over the month. I keep a credit card to hand in case of unusually high bills (such as car repairs), but focus on tackling high interest debts first. Believe me, I do "get it". I just worry that she's too sensible in some ways (not overpaying for car parks say), and also bad in others (she pays £80 for her hair cuts)

andymc29

Mme.Hibou wrote: »

It's no wonder you're stressed, you've been writing threads about this for 18 months now.

Yeah I know. It's not just the debt free journey that's hard work. It's people around me!!! One minute she seems fine with everything, then she's going mental and complaining about my money situation when nothing's gone wrong and everything's still on track! Of course I wish I was out of debt sooner but it's hard explaining that to her.

andymc29

podperson wrote: »

I think you really do need to sit down and talk to her about this. I can understand that you having these debts would be a worry when you first got together - but if you have been together for 2 years now and you have been consistently reducing them, with an end date in sight now, and hadn't had any issues with taking anything else on or overspending in the meantime then I think I would be feeling much better about it - not worse as she seems to be! Perhaps there's something else that's bothering her, or she has other worries about moving in together and the debt is a convenient excuse at the moment.

I think you may be right here. She did say to me over the weekend that she's worried that if I lived with her, that I'd only ever see it as "her" house and not our house, and never feel comfortable. this may be right, but it would still be much better than living at my parents, and it would still make it much easier for us to save up to move somewhere bigger rather than me renting somewhere on my own. She's lived on her own for about nine years now, and has her house exactly as she likes it, she's very house proud, and very consious of me worrying about damaging anything in "her" house if I lived there. so if anything she's too independant, and is maybe scared of losing that.

rinabean

Why would she listen to money advice from you? She nearly owns her own home, you're in nearly 8 grand of debt... you have opinions on every little bit of her financial life and how she should do things differently, but you're not in the superior financial situation. It's like backseat banking or something, from someone who is still a learner! I totally agree with you that you shouldn't be spending loads on going out at this point. Recommend cheaper places, look for deals on here, or try staying in but still making a date of it. Then this will be behind you even sooner.

Hard_up,_not_happy

andymc29 wrote: »

I've been with my girfriend for two years now. She's known about my debts since the beginning, but lately seems to be getting more stressed about them.

She'd said we can't live together until I've cleared all my debts.

But I think all this stress is affecting our relationship, I feel like a failure and wish I was more than man she wishes I was and I just hate that it all seems to biold down to how much money I have.

I just think it's starting ot make her less attracted to me and I'm realy struggling to keep the flame alive now, I'm not saying we're about to break up, but the romance is definitly dying down, especially in the bedroom and I think it's to do with her worries over my finances.

andymc29 wrote: »

I think my best option, as she normally refuses to tlak about this, is to write her a letter (email), explaining everyhing.

She says she wants me to sort my debs out as soon as possible, but then also expects us to go out for dinner at least twice or three times a month, plus only expects me to buy expensive good quality clothes. So really, I can't see how I'm meant to win.

Sorry to be blunt but your girlfriend sounds really hard work. She refuses to talk to you about something that bothers her so much in your relationship. End result you feel like a failure. If after 2 years in a relationship you have to email your partner to address an important issue, something is seriously wrong.

She wants you to clear your debts as soon as possible but also expects you to go out to dinner regularly and dress in expensive clothes.

You summed it up in your last sentence really which I have highlighted. I am just wondering which fault she will pick up on next once you have sorted your debt, can afford whatever you like and have the wardrobe of clothes she loves to see you in.

Do yourself a massive favour mate, ditch her sort your debt and find someone who appreciates you for who you are and makes you feel good. I get the impression no-one would meet her standards and most would have given up way before sticking it out with her for 2 years. Life is way too short.

murphydog999

After reading all the posts, I completely and totally agree with the last post. Your comments about being in her house put the nail in the coffin for me, it seems from what you are saying that she thinks you are a bit of a liability (please don't take offence), if it is not good enough now, will it ever be?

She isn't making you feel very good about yourself - which isn't nice - and how does 'money' affect what happens in the bedroom? She hasn't got any debt worries, so why is sex an issue? (I don't expect you to answer that!)

It's sounds like you are a long time married, but you don't even live together!

She doesn't like talking about things, so you have to resort to email!!!! I'm really sorry, but the future for you 2 doesn't sound rosy.

sashadesade

Considering you made the same post a year ago, I'm not sure what chance you've got of changing her mind if she's *still* not convinced. Infact it sounds like things are worse now if anything, since she won't even talk to you about it and you have to communicate by email. Does she know everything you're doing to fix the situation and how serious you are about it?

abacus73

Mme.Hibou wrote: »

It's no wonder you're stressed, you've been writing threads about this for 18 months now.

Hard_up,_not_happy wrote: »

I am just wondering which fault she will pick up on next once you have sorted your debt, can afford whatever you like and have the wardrobe of clothes she loves to see you in.

Do yourself a massive favour mate, ditch her sort your debt and find someone who appreciates you for who you are and makes you feel good. I get the impression no-one would meet her standards and most would have given up way before sticking it out with her for 2 years. Life is way too short.

I agree with these two quotes 100%. Are you happy in this relationship any more? Only the more I have read through this post the less you seem to be if Im honest.

make_me_wise

diable wrote: »

There are enough women on here who have posted that they had a good life then lost it all on a useless bloke.

The only way to prove yourself to your girlfriend is to stop talking about your debts (women hate negativity in a person) get them paid off asap and get some savings behind you.

Remember actions speak louder then words.

There are also too many people on here who like to kick a man when he is down. Do you realise how rude and patronising your post is?

If you had read the OPs posts carefully you would realise that he is working hard to clear his debts. His girlfriend wont discuss the situation with him, to the extent that he is now considering emailing her!!!!