How to convince my partner I'm a safe bet?

dark_lady

I spend £60 on a cut and colour every six weeks. Lots of women do this OP. It does cost more being a woman. Our haircuts are more expensive than mens and it costs money to look nice. This is my one luxury especially as i dont smoke anymore.

Steel_2

How can you persuade your girlfriend right now that you are a safe bet? You can't because you are not.

She told you she would live with you when you had paid off your debts.

You have not paid off your debts yet.

(You + her) under her roof + potential future roofs = no debt (apart from a mortgage)

It's a fairly simple equation that you seem to want to find a way of getting round somehow. To think that she obviously doesn't want to live with you is silly. You two made a bargain. You have yet to live up to your end of the bargain.

The deal wasn't "Darling I've paid X amount off let's live together now" or "Darling I've six months to go on the final debt payment let's live together now" or "Darling I've got my black belt in Taekwondo which should show you how committed I can be when I set my mind to something."

The deal was "Darling I've paid off all of my debts let's live together now."

Stop pressuring her to capitulate early on the deal you made with her or you will lose her. Your relationship is already suffering.

She has drawn her line in the sand.

Please respect it.

If I had drawn a similar line in the sand and someone kept on at me about living together despite them not having paid off all of their debts as promised I would

a) be wary in case their debt progress stalled after we moved in together and the rest never got paid off
b) be concerned about their motives - just why are they so keen to get me to give in? Would I end up paying for everything in the house we shared so they could finish paying off their debts? Would that set a precedent?
c) be worried my credit record would be detrimentally affected by theirs
d) go right off them because they are unfairly pressuring me to give in despite the agreement we made. Is this how it will be about everything?

While you may not like the fact that your relationship appears to be boiling down to money right now, the biggest cause of relationship disharmony and break ups is money management - two people not having the same style or approach to it. If you two can't find the same hymn sheet, let alone start singing from it, the future doesn't bode well for the two of you.

You either match or at least complement her money style or find someone that matches or complements yours.

P.S. I wouldn't equate how much a credit card company wants to give you as a measure of how safe a bet you are. Lenders use many criteria to judge someone as credit worthy; credit score is one, but how much money in interest the potential customer would generate is another. You could have a very average credit score but they're offering you more credit because your credit history says you have always generated a large amount of interest for a lender and never defaulted. They're taking the chance that one day you'll be weak and start spending on your cards again and not pay off the balance in full every month.

ixwood

How is having a negative net worth at 31 doing not bad? That's pretty terrible really.

How come you own nothing? Where did/does all the money go?

And then you have the cheek to judge her financial decisions. You don't have a pot to pee in and seem completely clueless about money.

Anyone with a net worth of less than 0 can't look like a good bet. Can you not see that?

I think you need to change your attitude to money completely. Are you from a poor background?

andymc29

ixwood wrote: »

How is having a negative net worth at 31 doing not bad? That's pretty terrible really.

How come you own nothing? Where did/does all the money go?

And then you have the cheek to judge her financial decisions. You don't have a pot to pee in and seem completely clueless about money.

Anyone with a net worth of less than 0 can't look like a good bet. Can you not see that?

I think you need to change your attitude to money completely. Are you from a poor background?

You do realise this site is full of people who have made bad finiancial choices in the past and are trying their hardest to turn themselves around and sort it out? Don't be so bloody rude.

Yes, I'm made terrible decisions with money in the past, I'm sure you've made bad decisions on things yourself, not just with money.

I got into debt by spending too long with my head in the sand, buying things on credit and not thinking long term enough my choices. I'm not blaming credit companies who offer money to anyone for any purpose, or shops that try to sell you everything on buy now pay later deals, this is entirely my fault.

However, I've paid off twenty grand of debt in the last two years. That to me, is pretty damn good going.

Besides, I'm getting pretty sick of getting abuse from people who have never been in my situation and don't have a clue what they're talking about. I'm 31, going to debt free in six months, and within a year, have over five grand in savings.... so yes, I think I'm doing very well thanks. I'm just glad I've made this change at this age, and not waited till I'm older.

January20

Perhaps a good option, when you have paid off your debt, would be to start living on your own for a little while, to prove to her that you can budget, pay the rent and all the other expenses, as opposed to living with your parents and paying board(possibly? Do you?) like a teenager. You have to prove to her that you can stand on your own two feet and are not expecting to go from being looked after by your mum to being looked after by her. (You have given no details of your home life so I'm guessing here)

If she has been in control of all aspects of her life for the past 9 years, it will be very difficult to adapt to living with somebody and losing some of this control.

As for the way she spends her money, you compared parking tickets and haircuts. I think she is being very sensible. Who wants to pay extra on a parking meter when you can discipline yourself to limit your time? The money saved can then go in the pot to pay for nice things. For instance I'll walk into town rather than use public transport. It's good for me and perhaps only saves me £1.50 but I can then spend that on a drink if I wish. It's all about balance.

You're getting judged by people because you have admitted you are in debt and yet, you critisice the way your gf's way of handling money. She has savings and no debt but a small mortgage so she must be doing something right, surely? Stop trying to find faults with her and people will have more respect for you.

Oh and I am one of the people on this site who made very bad financial choices. My biggest mistake was to go along with my ex-h attitude towards money: getting loans and credit cards rather than saving. Learned the hard way!

ViolaLass

andymc29 wrote: »

Dark Lday, I took her out to lunch at Jamie Oliver's fifteen restaraunt last month for her birthday, I then took her to see "wicked" and we stayed at a nice hotel afterwards. She didn't pay a penny towards it as it was her bithday and I wanted to treat her. I beleive in paying off debts fast but also living a good life at the same time. I moved home partly pay off debts faster but also to be able to treat her to good dates and make her feel special.

We're going away for a week in the New forest in two weeks time, we've split the cost of the cottage half-half.

Please don't make out that I don't contribute when you don't know all the facts.

She's also having a spa day with a full body massage and a peticure that I bought her as an extra birthday treat. I still allowed for decent overpayments that month and my main expenses are treats for her, not myself.

You said earlier that she expects/demands to go out to fancy restaurants etc. Did she demand these things for her birthday? What would her reaction have been if you had, for example, taken her to a pretty location and had a picnic together?

andymc29

ViolaLass wrote: »

You said earlier that she expects/demands to go out to fancy restaurants etc. Did she demand these things for her birthday? What would her reaction have been if you had, for example, taken her to a pretty location and had a picnic together?

She constantly hints at things she wants to do, she recently came back from doing the edinburgh half marathon, and went on about how great it would be for us to go have a weekend away there, and that we could do it for "just a few hundred pounds".

She also kept on about going to either fiteen or the Oxo tower as good idea for her birthday, so no, it's not me putting ideas in her head or purposely trying to impress her, these are things she tells me me she wants us to be doing together.

ViolaLass

andymc29 wrote: »

She constantly hints at things she wants to do, she recently came back from doing the edinburgh half marathon, and went on about how great it would be for us to go have a weekend away there, and that we could do it for "just a few hundred pounds".

She also kept on about going to either fiteen or the Oxo tower as good idea for her birthday, so no, it's not me putting ideas in her head or purposely trying to impress her, these are things she tells me me she wants us to be doing together.

You could say no.

And you didn't say what her reaction would have been if you had organised something cheaper.

RacyRed

How to convince my partner I'm a safe bet?

You can't convince her because you are NOT a safe bet.

Sorry to be blunt but that is the truth of it at the moment

andymc29 wrote:

Not everyone has themselves sorted in life by 31 years old, I think to be in my situation now isn't too bad, by the time I'm 35 I should have well over 10 grand in savings and my own house (even without counting the equity from my girlfriend). So I'm actually pretty pleased with the action I've taken to sort myself out.

I just think my GF needs to take a proper look around at how people are really doing in this country and stop seeing me as someone with huge debt problems.

But you currently do have debt problems!

You keep going on about how much you are going to save, the house you are going to own, the mortgage you are going to pay off. Really? Your track record so far doesn't support that - and (not quite yet) getting out of debt you got yourself into in the first place won't be that much of a recommendation to a woman who has avoided getting into debt in the first place, is it?

But the truth of the matter is that you are currently living with your parents, have substantial debts still and own nothing.

Did you ever tell your g/f how much debt you were in and are still in? You posted about that quite recently but don't say if you told her or not?

You ring every major alarm bell going.

1. Poor financial history

2. Over ambitious financial aims based on a continuation of your current disposable income (IF you move in with your g/f and fully pay your way, will you still be able to maintain your current level of debt repayment/saving and spending?).

3. Bigging it up about your earnings, credit availabilty and disposable income. (being blunt again here, but that is how your posts sound to me - no wonder your g/f is expecting you to spend money on her).

4. Equating your credit availability with your financial standing, whilst still in debt (MASSIVE danger sign to me)

Sorry, as investments go, I'd steer well clear of you. Your g/f is showing a lot of sense.

Talk less about what you are going to do and get it actually done. Take something more real than dreams (A large savings account?) to the table the next time you discuss your future with your g/f.

Now then, where did I put my tin hat...

Errata

"I say that too, I don't say to her face that I think it's expensive"

"She constantly hints at things she wants to do,"

If you don't tell her what you think, and she can't tell you what she thinks and has to hint, then it seems to me the communication problems you have are far greater than your debt problems.