How to convince my partner I'm a safe bet?

ViolaLass

andymc29 wrote: »

good idea, that puts my mind at rest. I think any woman who thinks you don't love her because you don't want to spend a fortune on a ring is crazy. surely I'd be better saving for the wedding?

??? How about saving for the rest of your lives together first!

andymc29 wrote: »

she's always telling me how stupid she thinks people are for spending 20 grand on weddings, so she can't honestly expect 3 months wages on a ring. When the time comes, I'll take her down to Hatton gardens and let her pick, I'd imagine she's pick something around £1500 which is fine.

Oh, a mere £1500, that's OK. Hatton Gardens?! Seriously?

The more I think about it, the more your description of her doesn't seem to add up - she's apparently saved plenty of money and has only a small mortgage but is happy to spend lots/all of your money. If she's that good with money, I can't see that she'd really want to spend £7k or £1.5k on a ring or insist on constantly being treated to pedicures. She doesn't want to live with you but has told you how much you should spend on her engagement ring.

Something doesn't add up. I'd be very interested to hear her side of the story.

andymc29

She's not "insisting" on expensive treats, but just nudges me a lot about things. Is it better to deny a woman the things she really wants? If I was to do this, then yes I'd be out of debt faster, but surely our relationship wouldn't last if we didn't go out to places she liked. I'm making her sound like a total princess here but she's really not, I'll try going cheaper on dates and letting her pay half on meals for a while and see how it goes.

ViolaLass

andymc29 wrote: »

She's not "insisting" on expensive treats, but just nudges me a lot about things. Is it better to deny a woman the things she really wants? If I was to do this, then yes I'd be out of debt faster, but surely our relationship wouldn't last if we didn't go out to places she liked. I'm making her sound like a total princess here but she's really not, I'll try going cheaper on dates and letting her pay half on meals for a while and see how it goes.

At the moment, you are making it sound like either she's a princess or you're a doormat. At the same time, she's apparently careful with her money and you're economising hard to pay your debts off. I'm sure the truth is more complicated but I can't see what that truth is.

Where do you like going out to? Do you always do what she wants? Do you give her everything you feel she hints she wants? Does she get you what you want?

"Is it better to deny a woman the things she really wants?" It's about what you can afford and what you want your relationship to be based on. I want a narrowboat but we can't afford one and I don't expect my husband to be solely responsible for fixing this. I might joke about him failing to get me one each birthday but he knows it's a joke! If we decide we want one, we will work out how to get it - together.

sashadesade

andymc29 wrote: »

One thing she says is about engagements rings should be three months wages, I'm totally sure she's joking here, no sane money wise person would suggest spending £6900 (3 x my takehome pay) on a ring, surely?

Whaaaaaaat??? That's completely insane! If I'd said that to my husband I don't think we'd ever have got engaged! Who would want to walk around wearing something worth that much anyway, I'd be terrified of losing it. My engagement ring cost £100, not because we couldn't afford more but because it's just a ring and we'd rather spend money on other things.

murphydog999

Something isn't quite right about this - your tone has changed considerably since the start of the thread. It was
'bedroom problems,'
'won't discuss issues, will have to email',
'doesn't like me being in/messing up her house',
won't consider anything until you pay off your debts
wants you to buy expensive clothes, even though you are in difficult circumstances
your not happy with her spending money
have I missed anything?????

Now it's holidays, expensive engagement rings and throwing money at her 'to give her what she wants.' Obviously we only have your side of the story, but does this sound like a normal, going somewhere relationship?

P.S. My engagement ring was bought from an antique shop, made in the year I was born and really unusual. I choose it and could have spent far more, but thats not the point of the 'contract' you (hypothetically speaking)are about to embark on.

It's not the money, it's the sentiment.

dark_lady

OP it could be possible that your girlfriend is testing you to see if your attitude to money has really changed by dropping these hints. Maybe she is also testing you to see how much she is also going to have to sacrifice if she does decide to let you move in before all the debts are paid off.
For instance if i had moved in with my ex i worked out (because he was nine grand in debt and on minimum wage) i would be paying for all the food because he refused to, pay all the water bill or have him bully me about the fact that i wanted a shower every day, gas and electric (this prince among men would just let the electric run out and go on to emergency extremely often.) One weekend i was stepping out of the shower (yes id managed to blag a quick 3 minute one) when all the lights went out and i slipped. It was only my quick reflexes of grabbing the towel rail that stopped me falling.
So you might be pleasantly surprised if you take her out on that picnic. It could be the response that shes waiting for.

euronorris

Loanranger wrote: »

I also think that spending so much on her birthday was a wrong move. It would be a red flag to me. You don't yet have the means to splash the cash to impress her.

Maybe this is where the problem lies.

You're sending her mixed signals, as overpaying your debts and spending out that much money on her Birthday are at odds with eachother. So, unless she sees your accounts in full, she may well believe that you aren't doing as well with the debt repayments as you say you are.

I know how you feel. I wanted nothing more than to be able to treat my OH for his 30th in 2009, but I simply did not have the money for that. So, I opted for a new photo frame for a painting his Grandad did (and means a lot to him) at €14.99 and a cake made of sweets. Put up a cheap banner in our flat and blow up some balloons. He loved it! 2 reasons, a) the painting his Grandad did means so much to him, and the old frame was literally falling apart, and b) he knew that I hadn't got into any further debt to celebrate his Birthday.

Can you not do more stuff like this in future, with your gf? If she can't understand the reasons why you have to choose a cheaper option, then maybe she isn't the right person for you.

dark_lady

Murphy dog999 has raised an excellent point. The story has changed quite a bit since the start of this thread. Its almost as if the OP is turning it around on the girlfriend and painting her out to be a money grabbing gold digger because he didnt like some of the replies he got on this thread.
As someone else said i would love to hear her side of things.
My ex called me materialistic just because i wanted food and toilet roll in the house so the OP could be exaggerating and her comment about the ring might have just been tougue in cheek.

euronorris

andymc29 wrote: »

She constantly hints at things she wants to do, she recently came back from doing the edinburgh half marathon, and went on about how great it would be for us to go have a weekend away there, and that we could do it for "just a few hundred pounds".

This is when you say: "I'm sorry darling, I can't afford that right now as I am trying to clear my debts as quickly as possible. Once they are clear, we will be able to do things like that AND live together."

She also kept on about going to either fiteen or the Oxo tower as good idea for her birthday, so no, it's not me putting ideas in her head or purposely trying to impress her, these are things she tells me me she wants us to be doing together.

Repeat as above and add 'I have something else in mind for your Birthday anyway, and it's a surprise.'. And then surprise her with something like a picnic.

If she is not happy with that solution in the short term, knowing that you are trying to repay debts, then you two are not a good match.

andymc29

No my, comments about her saying about the cost of an engagement ring are real, but I'm just hoping she's joking about it.

I'm not trying to turn anything on her at all. It's just a little frustrating when someone who's always been sensible with money makes you feel terrible about your past actions, which you're trying your best to sort out.

I think the reason I bring up different things is really just that we've been going out for two years so obviously a lot has happened in that time.

Dark lady, I'm not sure I'm anything like your ex really. I don't think eating and showering is a luxery but I do think that eating out at £30 per head restaraunts twice a month is.

We're ogin on holiday in two weeks to teh New forest, it's a cottage that's costing us around £250 each, I'm really looking forward to it, and she is to, but she does talk about it as being a "cheap" holiday due to me not having much money to spend. I don't like this as it makes me feel like she'd rather be going on a bigger holiday but I'm, holding her back.