How to convince my partner I'm a safe bet?

dark_lady

When the OP made the comment about haircuts my blood ran cold. My ex used to say similar things to me and moan about what i paid for a cut and colour even though i could afford it and used the money i got from giving up smoking.
When i stayed over at his i wasnt allowed to have a shower on the Saturday AND the Sunday and he would time me in the shower only allowing me three minutes. He was in nine thousand pounds worth of debt which seemed a lot to me and still does as ive never been in debt. We started dating in mid July and he wanted me to move in with him by 28th August (of the SAME YEAR )which was his birthday. The pressure he put on me was immense. He would come into the shop where i worked and turn on the tears yes the tears begging me not to back out and not to change my mind about moving in with him. He had been living in his council flat for seven years but no carpets ,no wardrobe,no teatowels and he didnt even own a pair of scissors.
There was the time he borrowed his sisters car and it got broken into and he wanted to brush the glass off the seats and drive around in it rather than fork out for public transport. The final straw was when he had diarheoa,carped the bed while "trying to fart cos he thought it was safe" and instead of washing his hands after going to the loo he used baby wipes cos water costs money. I could NOT continue with a relationship like this so if a man in future made a comment to me about what i pay for haircuts a major red flag would be raised.
Incidentally there was an article in last weeks Woman magazine, "financial infidelity" The article mentioned a woman called Suzie Mcdonald whose husband led her to believe they only had a certain amount of money and invested 8 thousand behind her back while she was trekking round supermarkets looking for the cheapest food,never bought anything new and even cut her own hair. When she found out the truth it made her feel stupid and betrayed and they split four months later. Its a fine line between financial infidelity and financial abuse. I am NOT saying this is what you are doing OP but i do agree with some of the other posters who say you are just not getting it and unfortunately my ex didnt either.

diable

When my girlfriend has an £80 haircut all I say is "wow, you look absolutely gorgeous" and I don't lie............

andymc29

um, thanks Dark Lady for the detailed run down of your relationship. I can just say this. If I was anything at all like that guy, she'd have dumped me straight away, in fact we would never have gone out in the first place.

The only reason I mention her haircuts, is that it's an example of something that to me seems expensive, and an example of how she can be quite unbalanced herself on some money things. It's probably more that I'm a man, and I don't know any men who would spend 80 quid on a haircut. Probably just a difference in the sexes.

Anyway, yes I have debts, but I'm a very clean cut chap with a good job and high hopes for my future. I just acheived my black belt in taekwondo after years of training so can prove that I'm able to commit to completing something.

I'm actually quite surprised by the mix of replied on this thread, it seems like I get more helpful answers from people in similar situations to myself, others can be really cutting and quite hurtful, assuming that I'm some kind of drug adict money waster living in my own filth.

Not everyone has themselves sorted in life by 31 years old, I think to be in my situation now isn't too bad, by the time I'm 35 I should have well over 10 grand in savings and my own house (even without counting the equity from my girlfriend). So I'm actually pretty pleased with the action I've taken to sort myself out.

I just think my GF needs to take a proper look around at how people are really doing in this country and stop seeing me as someone with huge debt problems.

Oh, and those that say my debt history will affect her for six years, I've never missed any payments and never defaulted on a debt, I'm paying alll my debts fully so no part settlements on my file and have a very good credit score, I was accepted for a platinum barclaycard a while ago when I did my CC balance transfer, and since I've cleared that, they've increased my credit by 3k on that card and keep sending me BT offers.

andymc29

diable wrote: »

When my girlfriend has an £80 haircut all I say is "wow, you look absolutely gorgeous" and I don't lie............

I say that too, I don't say to her face that I think it's expensive.

dark_lady

" I think my girlfriend needs to take a look around and stop seeing me as someone with big debt problems"
Sorry but this was something my ex used to say to me. Along with the gem "Its no different from being in debt due to a mortgage" He had spent all his money on buying the latest gadgets and he even refused to buy food. He used to get freebies from the Indian takeaway he was a driver for and go to his sisters for other meals and he actually moaned when i couldnt make it over there one Saturday cos he had already blown some money on some pasta and sauce yet strangely enough he always had the money for cigarettes. Then to put the cherry on the cake he started trying to "advise" me on how to spend and save!
Cant you see OP how this would sit with someone who has been careful all their lives? What if you move in with your GF now and God forbid you became ill or couldnt work.Would she then have to step up to the plate and pay it?

andymc29

Dark Lday, I took her out to lunch at Jamie Oliver's fifteen restaraunt last month for her birthday, I then took her to see "wicked" and we stayed at a nice hotel afterwards. She didn't pay a penny towards it as it was her bithday and I wanted to treat her. I beleive in paying off debts fast but also living a good life at the same time. I moved home partly pay off debts faster but also to be able to treat her to good dates and make her feel special.

We're going away for a week in the New forest in two weeks time, we've split the cost of the cottage half-half.

Please don't make out that I don't contribute when you don't know all the facts.

She's also having a spa day with a full body massage and a peticure that I bought her as an extra birthday treat. I still allowed for decent overpayments that month and my main expenses are treats for her, not myself.

diable

If you believe that you will be sorted with your debts and have your own house in the next few years but really believe that you are not appreciated by your other half then why do you hang in there? If you can do better then just give her the Spanish Archer (El Bow)

andymc29

I'll see what happens when I clear my debts. If she still doesn't want to live with me, then there's definitely something wrong.

dark_lady

Blimey andy my ex would NEVER have even done one of those things so i apologise. Thats impressive. On dates i always offered to go halves.
You and your lady just need to sit down and have a long honest heart to heart. Neither of you are unreasonable people and you have done the one important thing that my ex couldnt. Accepted responsibility for your own actions and you are putting it right. Good luck and i am sorry if i came across as a bit mean but when hair cuts were mentioned coulpled with the fact that your user name and my exs name were one and the same i did wonder ......
But i was VERY wrong so i apologise.

Loanranger

According to your signature you owe £7683 and an unstated amount of student debt. How much is the student debt?

Quite honestly, I wouldn't have even considered you as a potential boyfriend as you have no money management skills. People, especially women, want to feel secure in a relationship and having got into so much debt previously you are not exactly reliable where money is concerned.

I spend £75 on hairdressing every 5 weeks and that is not expensive. I think you have a nerve to even think of criticising her on this.

I also think that spending so much on her birthday was a wrong move. It would be a red flag to me. You don't yet have the means to splash the cash to impress her.

Drop any idea of moving in with her until you have cleared the debt as soon as possible and then have saved a lump sum.

Sorry if this sounds blunt. I believe you to be sincere in your desire to reduce your debt yet you still have not managed to do so.

Don't even think of raising the issue with her, you may not like the answer.