How to convince my partner I'm a safe bet?

sashadesade

andymc29 wrote: »

I'll see what happens when I clear my debts. If she still doesn't want to live with me, then there's definitely something wrong.

It might not be all that simple. It seems unlikely to me that as soon as your debts are cleared it will be like a switch has flicked and she can trust you completely now. It may take some time for you to prove you won't go back to your old ways before she realises she really can trust you.

wannabe_sybil

Can I just ask, you don't need to answer.

What would have happened if you didn't take her to a fancy restaurant but said something along the lines of, 'I'm sorry I can't afford to take you there as I am desperate to pay off my debts to prove myself to you. Why don't I make you a lovely meal as a treat instead?'

I don't think this is actually going anywhere. You are nervous going round her house which is 'just how she likes it' (she will always want the house 'just as she likes it') and she won't consider moving in with you unless you are debt free but spends a lot of your money.

Maybe you should cool off a bit and see how things go.

andymc29

Good points being made here. I'm seeing her on saturday afternoon, if the weather's okay, I was going to take her for a walk, then a sandwich in a nice cafe. I was then going to suggest coming to my parents on sunday for lunch.

Just lastly, I don't live at home due to problems with debt, I live at home due to wanting to pay off debts faster, I can quite easily move out and rent somewhere, then just pay off my debts at the agreed rates the loans were taken out on, but I'm overpaying them to get rid of them faster, so teh debts are not a "problem" for me any more than someone's mortgage is, I'm just getting rid of them faster than initially planned.

Incapuppy

OP, you've taken a bit of flack on here so I just wanted to say well done for tackling your debt problem, I'm sure the feeling you will get when you are debt-free will be wonderful and you can look forward to a financial fresh start.

I'm another one who thinks it odd that your g/f is happy to hint at and accept expensive gifts/treats from you and yet would appear to hold your debt situation against you.

andymc29

Incapuppy wrote: »

I'm another one who thinks it odd that your g/f is happy to hint at and accept expensive gifts/treats from you and yet would appear to hold your debt situation against you.

yes, it does add fueld to the idea that she uses my debts as an excuse for us not living together. I'm not going to suggest this to her, but I will tone down the cost of things and see how things go.

One thing she says is about engagements rings should be three months wages, I'm totally sure she's joking here, no sane money wise person would suggest spending £6900 (3 x my takehome pay) on a ring, surely?

ilikewatch

andymc29 wrote: »

One thing she says is about engagements rings should be three months wages, I'm totally sure she's joking here, no sane money wise person would suggest spending £6900 (3 x my takehome pay) on a ring, surely?

I've always been told that you should look to spend about a months net earnings on an engagement ring - that's why I'm waiting until after my redundancy to propose, that way I'll only have to spend £260 (one months JSA) rather than £1500 (one months wages).

Incapuppy

andymc29 wrote: »

One thing she says is about engagements rings should be three months wages, I'm totally sure she's joking here, no sane money wise person would suggest spending £6900 (3 x my takehome pay) on a ring, surely?

If she's not joking then run away as fast as you can and don't look back...

Tropez

andymc29 wrote: »

One thing she says is about engagements rings should be three months wages, I'm totally sure she's joking here, no sane money wise person would suggest spending £6900 (3 x my takehome pay) on a ring, surely?

This was a marketing strategy used by South African company De Beers in the early 20th Century. Although it isn't a commonplace belief, I did hear of a few references to this idea when I was on a work placement in the United States, and I have also heard it crop up on American TV shows so it may be a common belief in the US. However, statistics tend to suggest that few people truly abide by this idea with the average engagement ring being valued at around $1,800 to $2,000 USD. It would appear to be more a fanciful idea than anything that really holds any merit in the real world.

andymc29

Incapuppy wrote: »

If she's not joking then run away as fast as you can and don't look back...

good idea, that puts my mind at rest. I think any woman who thinks you don't love her because you don't want to spend a fortune on a ring is crazy. surely I'd be better saving for the wedding? she's always telling me how stupid she thinks people are for spending 20 grand on weddings, so she can't honestly expect 3 months wages on a ring. When the time comes, I'll take her down to Hatton gardens and let her pick, I'd imagine she's pick something around £1500 which is fine.

January20

andymc29 wrote: »

good idea, that puts my mind at rest. I think any woman who thinks you don't love her because you don't want to spend a fortune on a ring is crazy. surely I'd be better saving for the wedding? she's always telling me how stupid she thinks people are for spending 20 grand on weddings, so she can't honestly expect 3 months wages on a ring. When the time comes, I'll take her down to Hatton gardens and let her pick, I'd imagine she's pick something around £1500 which is fine.

Is it me or are there so many mixed messages in this thread/ from your gf? She doesn't want to move in with now you are saying she is talking about you buying her an engagement ring? 3 x your monthly salary?

I think you should concentrate on paying your debt off first and foremost and think about the rest when you have achieved that goal!