lionheartedgirl promises to let it shine :)

LittleBoots

Oooooh Bluewater, in the three years I lived in Essex I didnt go once...didnt even go to Lakeside.
Been to the Trafford Centre though

Shoe_Gal

Trafford Centre is 'local' for me - but I still prefer the City Centre

lionheartedgirl

SG, the city centre is my spiritual homeland, I absolutely LOVE the place!! :j

the TC is OK, better now the Barton Square bit is there (but think that's coz I am older so more interested in home stuff!!) but really other than that, there's nothing there you can't get somewhere else now that Selfridges is in the city too

LB, Bluewater is fab but you didn't miss anything with Lakeside. awful place - I always stay at the House of Fraser end. Went in with a friend who was 38 weeks pregnant at the time and she got bumped and shoved like you wouldn't believe, just dreadful. She was saying to me, don't worry I'm not made of glass you know, but both of us were really cross about it!

I am cross this morning. My mum had asked me about shopping today. We talked about my birthday last week and she said we would do coffee today. I just knew she would let me down. Popped round last night after my harp lesson, asked her and yes she had forgotten or rather doesn't want to go - "I thought we were going in half term". No, because I have no holiday left and I am not going to a big shopping centre in half term if I can bloody help it. Not only am I cross but I am very hurt, I'd been really looking forward to it.

She is meant to be coming round to practice our stuff for the concert, but there isn't much point, I haven't done extra work on it since last weekend.

I'm trying to decide whether to go to BW on my own, or jsut head into town. Everything I need is in town apart from John Lewis and House of Fraser. I can get my kettle in town no problem, but wanted some lush towels I'd seen that are from HoF. I have nice shopping where I am but love Bluewater. It's just over an hour's drive each way, which is nothing really, but I'm at a long wedding tomorrow which means more driving on my own and I am a bit sick of it.

Bahhh.

I'm having nice coffee and slowly clearing my way through a big stack of magazines, while I decide what to do.

At the moment I want to run away and start again somewhere else :rotfl: and really there is nothing stopping me (apart from a house to do up and sell).

Harp lesson was good last night but I blubbed all over the place - nerves are settling in and all the performance anxiety habits of the past are coming to the fore, but I know I just need to get all the emotional stuff out now so I can get on and enjoy things next week.

My teacher did the right balance of reassuring and not putting up with my flannel/bahookie kicking - she's brilliant. Plus....she has a friend of a friend who wants fixing up so fingers crossed

Have a fab weekend x

Wordsmith

Sorry to hear about the poor start to your weekend. It won't seem so bad once you get going - if you love Bluewater, why not head out there on your own anyway for a bit of retail therapy - it's not like you haven't planned it. Once you're there, the fact that your mum let you down won't seem so bad, and you can look forward to a lovely time with her when it does happen. Treat yourself to coffee and cake (that's an order, only to be ignored if you think of something better). Whatever you do, GET OUT THERE! (That's an order, too. What right have I got to order you about? None whatsoever - but that's never stopped me in the past!) Have a lovely day.

Shoe_Gal

Go the Bluewater! I am thinking of going into town :j

lionheartedgirl

thanks both! decided against Bluewater but will hit the town centre my local department store is wonderful - has the effect on me that Tiffany's does on Holly Golightly :rotfl:

MUST MUST MUST resist interstellarly expensive handbags and cars today...... :eek: I have promised myself a Mulberry when I am out of debt. Unfortunately I have seen the perfect one on the website. Humph. Humph. Mum is not helping but she doesn't know just how much debt I am in!!!

Mum has been and gone, she was very apologetic about the shopping thing and we had a chat about lots of stuff, especially the teaching as she is a wonderful and extremely experienced teacher.

She asked me which I enjoyed more, playing or teaching. It is definitely playing, but that is partly because teaching is new and so isn't great for the confidence in that I worry about it a lot - I see it as a huge responsibility and a massive commitment to make to someone and the journey they will go on.

I have 3 local pupils which is good and I am OK with this. I think I will be OK taking on a fortnightly Sunday if I work the summer carefully, but at the moment I don't think I am willing to go down to 4 days to do more teaching.

I think I 'just' need to stand up for myself a bit and not take more stuff on to help other people I don't even know. This is deep rooted emotional make-up and comes down to wanting to be noticed and appreciated, and feeling flattered to be asked - made all the worse by current circumstances.

I like my current job, I like where I live. I like playing the harp but don't want it to take over to the extent where it is becoming my livelihood but threatening my financial security which is hard-fought and something I am proud of. Basically I want it on my terms, but since it's me paying for it and doing it, why the hell shouldn't it be on my terms.

My finances are under control and I will be out of non harp related debt in good time.

As ever, loads to think about. In the midst of this I am crying a lot - looks like all the emotional stuff from the last year is at last catching up with me. It's good in many ways as it is helping me focus on what I want to keep and what I want to leave behind.

On a lighter note, I need some FOOOOOOD!!! :rotfl:

Shoe_Gal

Sounds like you are thinking it all through carefully, and not making any rash decisions - good for you :A

Souk08

Ah, LHG it's just all getting to you just now isn't it? You're doing really well though love and have made HUGE leaps forward in the past year. Obviously you're going to be sad as you think back to the past. It's probably more about the futute you thought you had and now you dont BUT you are now free to create your own future, however you like. Running away would solve nothing, all the things you feel would still be there but if you actually fancy a move then it's worth thinking about.

FWIW I think you're fab. It's relatively easy for some folk to grab life by both hands. I have utmost respect for those it's harder for and who still do it X

Shoe_Gal

Fab post Souk - I agree with it all, and you put it so well :A

lionheartedgirl

thanks all I am past the 'things not being as I thought they would be' bit now, in reality things would have been awful :eek: abd I know I am best off out of it.

I need to get over the letdown on the friends front, which still hurts now, and at the moment I can't talk about this without bawling at my counsellor (welling up now!)

I think most of the emotional stuff is the blunt realisation that I was a fool to be so naive and trusting with XF, and not thinking about who was giving and who was taking regarding friends.

And most of all, the fact that ultimately I am the only one in control of my own destiny, and if I want things to be good and fun, then I had better get a shift on! (to quote the Russell Crowe timestamp Chris Moyles had a while ago :rotfl:). The buck stops here....

Lots of news, frivolous and less so.

Resisted a beautiful Mulberry Bayswater in Mole Grey Giant Sparkle Leopard. Found a credible 'influenced by' alternative in Debenhams for £22. It's very nice but I am swearing to myself now, it will be the last knock off I will buy. The next one WILL be the real thing.

Failed to buy new kettle or anything else on my extensive list, other than new pants in M&S. More effort required on the shopping front but I was worn out from all that resisting!

Did yesterday's wedding, absolutely exhausting but got through it. I took well timed breaks for proper stretching and really felt the benefit of that this morning when normally I would feel like the hunchback of Notre Dame :rotfl:

I am being pushed and pulled in myriad directions at the moment, it is stopping on Sunday when the concert finishes.

I have booked 4 days off work in October with a weekend in the middle, and I am off to Spain on a yoga break. I haven't done yoga before but am enjoying Pilates. It had a brilliant write-up in Elle a few months ago, I had torn it out and kept it 'in a safe place'.

I found it after my mum went on Saturday. They have 2 spaces left on their last break of the year so I am having one of them. Lots of people go on their own and the hotel looks amazing and the food is very good.

I should have done this last year after the lack of wedding (Carrie-style) but never mind.

This means I am :eek: :eek: having to say NO to something harp related :eek: :eek: that I really didn't want to do anyway, and even worse, I am saying NO after I have already said yes! :eek: :eek: :rotfl:

Am I bovvered..... hmmmm! Well yes I am really. But they will understand and I am not bothered if they don't ask me again as I just do not enjoy orchestral stuff.

Said yoga break will be less money than the above comically priced handbag. I have the money put away for house stuff, so if I use it for other things I will have to delay a couple of house bits but I can live with that.