lionheartedgirl promises to let it shine :)

lionheartedgirl

:hello: Souk! great to hear from you, hope all is well with you

sad/long post coming up....

well after a lovely positive busy day yesterday with all manner of stuff done, I got a text from my mum while I was sorting the dogs' tea out, with some really dreadful news.

My uncle had a really aggressive form of leukaemia in 2007 - he was early 40s at the time and it really shocked us all to the core. It was just as I was wondering whether I had done the right thing by going racing and he urged me to keep going. I sent him pictures of my races while he was in hospital (in Liverpool, overlooking the ferry terminal while all the bikes were going off to the TT) and as his vision went during all the chemo the only think he could see was the yellow number board on my bike. For ages he was convinced I was riding with number 8 which his doctors thought was hilarious :cool: as it was actually number 6, he was so insistent about it. It was a very, very scary time for us all, I am quite close to him as he loves bikes too and is closer in age to me than my parents.

He recovered with a few long term complications, but most of all he recovered.

Yesterday we found out my aunty (his wife) has a form of non Hodgkins lymphoma. It was a shock last time but this is just indescribable. No one deserves cancer, but if anyone doesn't deserve it, it's her - she saw him all the way through it, knows exactly what's involved and what's coming and had just started to recover from a period of depression coming to terms with what had happened. What are the odds?!! :mad:

I haven't spoken to them yet, just texted and chatted on FB and said for them to call me when they could, so I don't have all the facts which isn't helping as I don't know where things on the scale of absolutely dreadful to completely catastrophic.

3 lovely friends rang me last night, 2 old, one new (seaside guy!) with various supporting words and daft chat. This really helped, I blubbed like a baby on the phone to one of my friends whose mum had breast cancer last year, I had wanted to phone her but wasn't sure, so was really glad when she called me.

So I am in shock today still. Not as much as my aunt and uncle admittedly. I'm seeing my mum later for our jolly to Bluewater and am going to have to be really restrained with the cc I have a list of bits I need and I'm hoping by the time I've got all those, the shopping urge will be satisfied. Heaven only help Krispy Kreme though.... :eek:

I need to get on and stop making excuses to not follow my dreams. Being sensible is all very well, and it's important on some levels. But there is more to life and at the moment my finances are really restricting what I can do.

I am seriously contemplating selling my big harp so I can go and do some racing - this will cut the debt in half and will free up a lot of money each month. The harp will always be there for me, but a few other things are a bit more pressing at the minute. BUT it is a massive step so I'm going to mull it over for a few days while everything sinks in.

I'm also going to 'fess up to my mum about the scale of the debt today as I think she will have some perspective on stuff. She knows it's massive and is probably worrying just how much, so I don't think it will be giving her any shock that she doesn't need. Her younger sister (my other aunt) died in a road accident when I was 17, so although she is sensible at times, she also knows that life is short and precious and we have to make the most of it. If that means flinging myself round on bikes, she is cool with it as long as I am doing it for the right reasons and have back up plans as much as possible.

seaside guy will be at mine when I get back from Bluewater - I feel a bit mixed about this, I am so looking forward to seeing him but am wary of really letting go about stuff because it's so early on and I don't want to scare him off. We spoke last night and he was really great even when I started crying again, but I don't want to end up feeling like the "nice girl, got issues" that I have been labelled with before. But, if it's not to be, it's not to be.

Off to go and get myself scrubbed up and put a face on

Souk08

Oh love, just when it all seemed to be be going so well. So sorry to hear this. I'm going to stick my neck out here (and others will probably be along saying just be yourself and if he can't handle it bla, bla, bla ) but I think you should put a face on for him JUST until you know he's cool with it. You don't have any more issues than anyone else love, it's just how you see yourslef. I see myslef as having no issues so thats what I put out there. Im sure some think differently but thats their thing IYSWIM. Be the strong, cool, funny girl that you are for now, no need to go too deep with someone you've just met. You have plenty of other folk for that. IF in time, he turns out to be something great then fine but my advice, for what its worth would be just to enjoy this and not see it for more than it is just because you feel vulnerable, so that means keeping cool in front of him. X

MrsMoo2U

Hello, sorry I wasnt around yesterday to catch up with this. I read your post on FB about the harp and wondered if you were ok. I hope that your jolly went well with your Mum and that a good talk with her has helped you to put things into some kind of perspective. I lost both of my parents to cancer (both aged 65) so I do know what that shock of finding out is like. Sometimes knowing what to expect can actually help a person to deal with things so until you speak to your Aunty you cant be sure that she cant handle it, however difficult it is for them, it is just as difficult for the people around them. Dont feel scared to find somebody to talk to and discuss your feelings. Your friend will probably tell you about the guilt of feeling sorry for yourself when you hear this news but trust me it is normal. Life is precious and yes, you should do some of the things that you have promised yourself. The trick is to work out what is most precious to you right now.What is giving you pleasure. If you are enjoying playing the harp then is there some other way of working through things? Dont rush into any decisions right now, you have been doing well so far and so a little time to put things in place and do the right thing wont harm.

I agree with Souk too about the seaside guy. Whilst it will be difficult to not talk about your feelings at all with him I think that you should try to see your time with him as your chance to escape the world for a few hours. If the relationship is as new as I guess then why not just enjoy it. If you are going to be together long term then you can discuss deeper issues. For now try to enjoy your time together and have some fun. Like you say, having an Aunt that died young, an uncle who has come through cancer and an Aunt that is just diagnosed then you know that life is for living and enjoying so instead of throwing all of your energy to planning to live for the racing, throw some into living today.
Hope that all makes sense and doesnt sound like a lecture.

lionheartedgirl

thanks both, I really appreciate your lovely words we had a lovely weekend and we talked a little about things but mostly just got on and had a good time - all very natural and not forced, i didn't feel the need to share stuff with him, Souk as you say, it's just not really appropriate just yet.

Although this morning we did have a really deep chat about life in general and where we are going in individual terms. I was really surprised by how open he was about some pretty big stuff - again it all just came up on its own and wasn't awkward or anything like that.

I am undecided on the harp. We watched the recent TT film last night and it was really amazing, real edge of the seat stuff for me. But maybe it really is just a wonderful dream - in terms of what it will take just to get the licence I need to do the Manx GP, it will be massive amounts of time and energy let alone money. I'm just not sure I have enough of any of the above to put into it - and I know that if I really wanted it, I would be finding a way.

There are so many other balls to keep up in the air, that have become important in their own way over the last few months. Life feels so full and really rather joyous compared to where I was this time last year, and really to take on another big challenge, something else would have to give and I'm not sure what that would be.

Spoke to mum about everything - ended up not owning up about the debt figure, but we did talk about lots of things in depth which was good. I have got my aunt a gorgeous card which I will send tomorrow, and I will give them a ring in a couple of days.

I'm shattered now, drank lots on Friday and felt really wiped yesterday as a result. But we had a really lovely chilled out weekend and I hope to see him again soon

I'm off to bed x

lionheartedgirl

Afternoon all,

another long stretch between updates - things have been busy, nothing has really changed on the money front and along with a few others I haven't really felt like saying much

I'm starting to flounder again though so thought I'd pop on to try and kick myself back into touch a bit.

Lots of head stuff going on again - a funeral yesterday for my dad's great aunt, waiting for my aunty's scan results today which will determine her prognosis and treatment plan. Plus I had a horrible dream about the wedding on Monday night and it really upset me.

Harp is up in the air (not literally) and I am feeling very trapped again.

Still seeing seaside guy but no idea where it's going if anywhere which is bugging me a bit - I'm not brave enough to have that conversation yet so am just leaving it for now. Had a very unexpected Valentine's day card from one of my friends (the one where we both have feelings for each other but not sure what they are) which has messed with my head too.

I'm very tired after a lot of driving yesterday, and all the emotional goings on this week. This is the second time that Valentine's Day has knocked me sideways unexpectedly (and not in a good way) and I just want to run away and hide again! :eek:

it will be OK, I can see this for what it is - being tired/drained etc - and with a bit of time to myself over the weekend, I should be back on form. I am planning a cleaning/tidying day on Saturday which should help me feel a bit more in control. I have to teach on Sunday morning and am doing Brownies stuff on Sunday afternoon. It will do me good to get out and about rather than just wasting the day on the sofa again.

Money is terrible, and I am going to have to get the shed pulled down sooner rather than later, so it's not going to improve any time soon :mad:

I have had lots of ideas for blog/website/harp stuff, but I am just not sure if my heart is really and truly in it any more. But what on earth I would do instead, I really don't know.

lionheartedgirl

evening,

energy levels were much better today after a good night's sleep and a relaxed evening on the sofa with my lovely pooches. They are settling really well, they have their mad moments but are really calming down lots.

Money wise I have done a lot of thinking about what I want to do this year in terms of living/enjoying myself up. I don't want to over-commit either financially or emotionally so have left this fairly minimal for now. I have a few nice-to-dos dependent on funds, and have thought about how I can earn extra money to pay for these. I'll see how it goes over the summer - I am already booked up plenty, June looks a bit scary but hopefully I will cope OK as I am much more aware of energy levels and the bigger picture of what I want to achieve.

My weekend is looking quite busy but I am off out tonight for dinner at my favourite Thai restaurant with one of my friends, then a pottering/housework-y day tomorrow. I also hope to have sorted a couple of websites and revamped my blog and my myspace page a bit by the end of the weekend.

I feel a lot more under control on the finances front - LBM has really struck this time and combined with an awful scary day at work (lots of cuts although not my team), I have to make this work. My ultimate goal is a life of non-material abundance and greater financial freedom :T and this year will hopefully see me well on the way to the second. The first is already in progress

hypno06

Hi there LHG, just popping by to see how things are.....seems you have had a lot going on which needs processing just recently.....Hang on in there - you are actually further ahead of things than I reckon you realise

Any plans to be playing at Brasteds this year? Would be good to catch up if you do.....

lionheartedgirl

thanks hypno no plans for Brasteds yet but I suspect I will be at Caistor St Edmunds at some point so will give you a shout (and think I've found you on FB too so will add you!)

I've finally started my new diary... thought long and hard about whether this place was still right for me but am going to stick at it.

See you there I hope.... x

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