Friend's partner is moving his ex in

lookingforsun

meritaten wrote: »

perhaps I am seeing this from a different perspective. If I had a 14 yr old daughter and had been made homeless from being unable to pay the rent (now I wonder what led up to that?), then I certainly wouldnt subject her to a homeless hostel, so would refuse that pointblank (and for myself). has anyone any idea what sort of people live there? lets see, ex-cons, druggies, mentally disturbed...........I wonder if the people who thought that this woman who should have taken her daughter to live there have ever set foot in one? Or would themselves? never mind LIVE there!
I find much of the advice on this thread of the male-bashing variety. oh its an ex so he must be a right !!!!!!! perhaps your friends OH is just a caring person? has that occured to anyone?
I particularly liked the irony in one post which advised the OPs friend to pack up and leave..........and go where? a homeless hostel, womens refuge, or to a 'friends' house?

your friends OH and this woman may well have had an acrimonious break up - doesnt mean that the man would see this woman suffer - he may be helping her the way he would help any woman in trouble.

I think your friend however, should not go off to bed and leave them to talk - she needs to be clued in as to the trouble this woman is in! and a sobbing woman is hard for a man to resist (I am not COMPLETELY stupid). leaving them alone and not knowing what exactly is going on is very silly!

No disrespects but that is pretty offensive! The hostel is one in which lots of homeless families have to live - ones with far younger children... in fact I lived there with my son when he was a tiny baby - for a whole year, yet I never encountered drug-taking etc. So I suggest *you* don't know what you're talking about here... unless everyone who's homes are repossessed should give their children up - instead of waiting to be rehoused?

I don't mean that to be inflammatory - just trying to say that what the woman is saying is absoute BS and I'm looking out for my friend...

daska

I know a 'recovering' alcoholic who has recently had all her benefits cut through sanctions and is losing her home because she drank her rent money and is currently trying to find a 'friend' to live with because the local shelter won't have her back after their last experience of her. Neither will her family because she is so much trouble - not even her adult offspring - and the youngest lives with dad but that's because a court order prohibits mum having custody. Wonder if it's the same woman?

ska_lover

hahaha! very true. all my ex's deserve nowt but contempt!!

GracieP

Has this woman very recently become homeless due to drinking her rent money? Based on the experience I've had of people with severe drinking problems/alcoholism I'd say there is a good chance this woman is no where near any sort of recovery. I'd be less worried about your friend's partner and the ex re-igniting their relationship than I would be about the crapstorm this woman could bring into their lives if she is still abusing alcohol.

pinkshoes

Your friend needs to put her 8 month old baby first.

It would be like having TWO children in the house, and not only would it have to be baby proof, your friend would have to alcohol proof it i.e. remove ALL alcohol from the house for the duration of the stay.

If this woman can live rent free, then clearly she can then spend her benefits on alcohol. I'm guessing this is why none of her friends and family want to let her stay.

Tell your friend to stand up for herself and tell her OH that if this woman moves in, then she and baby are leaving him.

Tuesday_Tenor

I think there are a whole load of reasons why letting this woman move in will be a nightmare.

Just two details:
1) The Ex says she can't go to he hostel because people have alcohol there?

Has she checked whether your friend and partner ever have alcohol in the house? Maybe they don't drink much or at all. However, to in effect be saying 'You can't have a drink in your home because I can't cope with it' is unbelievable.

2) Presumably she's not working. Therefore she's not going to be like a working lodger who's out 8.30 a.m. to 5.30 p.m. If she has no money for rent arrears she won't have money to go and do things, so she's be there all day (or a lot of the time anyway). It will be the friend, and not the OH who will have to deal with most of the implications of this woman's 'visit'. For the OH to impose this without discussing it with her is dreadful. Your first post mentions that friend 'wants to leave'. I don't blame her. So would I.

I give him the benefit of the doubt that he's naive about the sort of problems there will probably be. He thinks he's just helping someone in distress. He needs to realise that transferring this distress onto his own partner and child is NOT the way to deal with it.

As someone else said, this is sounds harsh. But is true.

Pee

Is it that unreasonable? I think if this person was described as a friend or as being the same sex as the partner, noone would be worrying about it. It's that word ex. If the ex moving in means the partner is unfaithful, the sooner your friend finds this out, the better. There has to be a little bit of trust somewhere.

I would also suggest that how someone treats their exes should be seen as guidance on how they are like to treat their current partner in the future. This guy sounds like a good, reliable chap. It would be a shame for your friend to lose him over what seems to be ungrounded jealousy.

Apricot

Pee wrote: »

Is it that unreasonable? I think if this person was described as a friend or as being the same sex as the partner, noone would be worrying about it. It's that word ex. If the ex moving in means the partner is unfaithful, the sooner your friend finds this out, the better. There has to be a little bit of trust somewhere.

I would also suggest that how someone treats their exes should be seen as guidance on how they are like to treat their current partner in the future. This guy sounds like a good, reliable chap. It would be a shame for your friend to lose him over what seems to be ungrounded jealousy.

Personally if my OH wanted to move a friend in of either sex, I would want a discussion about it. If I had an 8 month old baby and that person was an alcoholic, there is no way they would be moving in. The same as if it were one of my friends, it wouldn't happen.

I don't know if that makes me harsh or not but I would prioritise my child and my right to a quiet life over helping out a grown adult who is not completely destitute and who has no one to blame for their current situation but themselves.

Tropez

Pee wrote: »

Is it that unreasonable? I think if this person was described as a friend or as being the same sex as the partner, noone would be worrying about it. It's that word ex. If the ex moving in means the partner is unfaithful, the sooner your friend finds this out, the better. There has to be a little bit of trust somewhere.

I would also suggest that how someone treats their exes should be seen as guidance on how they are like to treat their current partner in the future. This guy sounds like a good, reliable chap. It would be a shame for your friend to lose him over what seems to be ungrounded jealousy.

It is unreasonable when the matter was not discussed.

I own the house that my partner and I live in but even so if someone was coming to stay, whether it be an ex or a friend, I would still feel an obligation to discuss this with my partner in case she had any objections. It isn't fair to move somebody in without that discussion taking place.

onlyroz

We had one of my husband's (male) friends stay for about two months, when he was "between" houses, and that was fine by me. However, I'd be very dubious about doing the same for someone that my husband hadn't seen in years, who had a serious addiction. I'd also be upset that he hadn't discussed it with me first.