Friend's partner is moving his ex in

lookingforsun

I'm looking for a bit advice for a friend of mine, from baby group. She has an 8 month old baby, and lives with her partner.

A couple of days ago, a woman turned up looking for the guy; my friend fetched him & talked to her in the hall.

When she went, my friend's partner, told her that she was an ex girlfriend of his, and that she was being made homeless, didn't want to turn to her friends or family, and was desperate for help from him. She'd been offered to go into homeless accommodation with her 14 year old daughter, but she didn't want to go there. She lived in housing association house, and had failed to pay the rent, due to ill health.

My friend's partner told my friend that he'd told the woman she could stay for a while. Her daughter was going to stay with her dad. My friend said she wasn't happy about having a woman sleeping on the sofa, and having to see her first thing, but her partner said they'd move the baby's cot into their room for the time being.]

My friend is distrught & wants to leave him. This ex has had NO contact with the partner, since she dumped a few years back. The partner was very depressed by this, and it took him a long while to get over this.

I told her I'd be furious too. Firstly they are not together, they are not friends, she should not be asking for help no matter how desperate she is. Secondly, even if she had remained friends, I'd have imagined that knowing that he now has a family, she'd be sensitive enough to put his family's needs above her own, and sleep in a cardboard box if needed.

My friend has said that she doesn't want the woman to stay at all - not even for a night. She says that she doesn't want the woman in their lives at all.

I do understand - the woman could (and should) go into the hostel.

I also think (though she never said this) that she worries as her partner stays up later than her, so he and the woman could talk.

pigpen

I give him an ultimatum.. me or her.. simple as.. no discussion nothing.. she had the option of a hostel so she isn't 'homeless' as such.. she was offered a temporary home.. she had a permanent home and lost it through choice.. her daughter will be provided for with her dad she is an adult.. albeit a very stupid one by the sound of it.

Apricot

I would be furious too! Why should the baby have to move out of his/her room to make way for someone who the partner hasn't seen/had contact with for years? Also who knows what has happened to this woman in the last few years, she may have become drug/alcohol dependant which is what led to her losing her health. If she has been offered a hostel she should go there.

I wouldn't accept him making that decision and would be telling my partner in no uncertain terms that either she left or I would.

teabag29

I agree with previous post i'd tell him its me or her and if he took to long deciding it be removing the pair of them myself!

BitterAndTwisted

I wouldn't stand for it! Not just some stranger moving into my home but the decision having been made with absolutely no consultation about it. I'd be packing right about now.


EDIT: "She didn't want to turn to friends and family". Whyever not? That's what friends and family are for! Perhaps it's because she can't as her lifestyle or actions has alienated everyone else in her life and this ex is the only one who hasn't been taken advantage of yet. Has your friend given that one any thought?

tesuhoha

A decent person would not have the nerve to ask such a thing. If she moves in then your friend will never get rid of her.

Jomo

Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Plans_all_plans

It would be ultimatum time in this house too if my husband did something like that. "Either she moves in or I move out" would be the line and if he chooses her then she's well off without him anyway.

sjc3

I wouldn't trust the motives of this ex. Seems a bizarre thing to do to turn up at an ex's house when in this position. Especially if she has friends and family, maybe she has approached them already and they have said no, for good reason. When your friend answered the door this woman must have realised her ex had moved on and should have left there and then.

The person I would be most annoyed with, if I were your friend though, is her partner. To be honest I'd be horrified if one of my ex boyfriends turned up at my house with a story of woe. My hubby would quite literally hit the roof if I were to try on the "look love xxxx is in a mess and I have said he can stay here for a bit, okay".

The answer would be a resounding NO, or words to that effect. Tell your mate to put her foot down on this one.

pupsicola

Mmmmm sounds to me like your friends partner has never got over this ex. Seems a bizarre thing to agree to, without consulting your current partner, if you value the realtionship you are in.

Ultimatum time, but I dont think your friend is going to like the response.

Tropez

If it were an absolute last resort and had been discussed by both partners, then I could understand it - although it would hardly be ideal. I certainly wouldn't want any of my ex's to live in a cardboard box when I have a perfectly adequate shed.

But it isn't a last resort, nor were it discussed. Your friend is right to be angered by this situation.