Partner's friend damaged my car...

Tropez

I'll admit, this is more of a moan as there's little I can actually do. It does involve money and relationships though!

I went out to my car earlier and discovered a relatively large dent in the side along with damage to the paintwork. Having inspected further, there is also an odd noise coming from the electric windows when opening and closing them. My driveway is a courtyard-style drive and I have it covered by home CCTV so I reviewed it to see if I could ascertain the cause of the damage.

Lo and behold, it would appear that my partner's visiting friend last night opened her car door with such force that it struck the side of my car (can't be sure, but it appeared she kicked her door open due to having her hands full). She was clearly aware that she had caused damage as she spent more than thirty seconds examining the side of my car, and yet, despite being here last night for well over an hour, chatting away with my partner, not once did she mention to my partner or myself that she had caused damage to my vehicle.

I know that I can come across on this forum as gruff but I'm not the type to hit the roof over something like this. I would have accepted any apology, considered it an accident and arranged for the damage to be repaired at my own expense this week. But now, I'm pretty angry, simply because this person didn't have the common decency to own up to damaging my property. The fact that somebody can knowingly damage another person's property and then have the gall to sit in their home, drink their coffee, eat their food and still not mention what they had done just seems callous.

I will admit that I'm not particularly fond of this person as it is. I find her idea of "fun" to be wholly unhealthy and dislike that no matter what plans she might make when going out with my partner, they always inevitably end up getting very drunk and calling on me to pick them and any other friends they may be with up and taxi them around. This doesn't happen too often hence I tolerate it but it is very testing.

However, I also appreciate that this is my partner's oldest and probably closest friend having known each other since school, chatting/texting almost daily and all that and no matter what my personal feelings for this friend, I have no desire to try and drive a wedge in their relationship, nor do I wish to place myself in a situation where I end up in an argument with my partner over her.

Which, of course, leaves me rather stumped. If I bring this up with my partner, she'll no doubt apologise on her friend's behalf (while never mentioning the fact I have the video evidence of the deed to her friend) and offer to pay for the damage because her friend wouldn't be able to afford it (presumably due to procuring the annual vodka production of Eastern Europe). But I'm not going to be taking money from my partner for something somebody else did, particularly as I wouldn't have taken money from her friend had she been honest in the first place.

msb5262

Hello OP,

You poor devil - as you say, this isn't a good situation.

To be honest I think you'd better explain the facts to your partner exactly as you've set them out here (but leaving out the "annual vodka production of Eastern Europe" bit) and make it clear that you don't want money, you're just very disappointed by the lack of honesty.

Don't just leave it or the whole thing will loom larger and larger in your mind.

Share it, then leave it behind.

Best wishes

MsB

brians_daughter

If you havent told your partner what you have discovered i would wait til they get home and simply tell her about the damage and then say ' i have something to show you' then show her the cctv footage...

Then i would say ' i would hope that with her being your oldest dearest friend she would have known that if she'd have mentioned it the whole thing would have been sorted out. Maybe she felt embarrassed' or words to that effect... tell her you expect her call the friend to tell her that unfortunately cctv has shown shes 'knocked you car by accident and the repairs are going to be £x. Does she have her insurance details to date or would she rather not go via the insurance' as you want to give them the opportunity of discussing it with them before you do

I would be livid.. a stranger, ok i can deal with that (still out of order) but for someone to do that KNOWINGLY then sit in your house (no doubt drinking your tea and eating your biscuits would make me want to strangle them (and thats toning it down for MSE! lol)

Tropez

msb5262 wrote: »

Hello OP,

You poor devil - as you say, this isn't a good situation.

To be honest I think you'd better explain the facts to your partner exactly as you've set them out here (but leaving out the "annual vodka production of Eastern Europe" bit) and make it clear that you don't want money, you're just very disappointed by the lack of honesty.

Don't just leave it or the whole thing will loom larger and larger in your mind.

Share it, then leave it behind.

Best wishes

MsB

Yes, you're right of course. I do need to bring this up with my partner. I suppose I am slightly wary of how to do that without it seeming like an attack on her friend - I understand they have a very deep bond and it is only natural that my partner will want to defend her friend so I need to think of a tactful and neutral way to bring it up.

And yes, I'll refrain from sarcastic cracks about alcohol consumption

mackemdave

Tropez wrote: »

Yes, you're right of course. I do need to bring this up with my partner. I suppose I am slightly wary of how to do that without it seeming like an attack on her friend - I understand they have a very deep bond and it is only natural that my partner will want to defend her friend so I need to think of a tactful and neutral way to bring it up.

And yes, I'll refrain from sarcastic cracks about alcohol consumption

Id be very worried if she defended her friend over this matter when you have it on CCTV.....She should be as livid as you are about it...She cant be a true friend if she is willing to avoid telling your partner about this

Tropez

brians_daughter wrote: »

If you havent told your partner what you have discovered i would wait til they get home and simply tell her about the damage and then say ' i have something to show you' then show her the cctv footage...

Then i would say ' i would hope that with her being your oldest dearest friend she would have known that if she'd have mentioned it the whole thing would have been sorted out. Maybe she felt embarrassed' or words to that effect... tell her you expect her call the friend to tell her that unfortunately cctv has shown shes 'knocked you car by accident and the repairs are going to be £x. Does she have her insurance details to date or would she rather not go via the insurance' as you want to give them the opportunity of discussing it with them before you do

I would be livid.. a stranger, ok i can deal with that (still out of order) but for someone to do that KNOWINGLY then sit in your house (no doubt drinking your tea and eating your biscuits would make me want to strangle them (and thats toning it down for MSE! lol)

Yes, it is the last bit there that annoys me the most. Even if she'd just mentioned something like "I think I knocked your car" I'd have been fine with it... she could have done that at anytime, even as she was leaving.

And what you say sounds reasonable. I haven't told my partner yet - as I mentioned in another post, I'm going to have to practice my neutral and tactful approach before approaching the subject. My partner doesn't get home till after 10 so I have some time.

Pollycat

Could you possibly tell your partner that someone has damaged your car and that you're pretty sure it happened when it was parked in the drive and ask if she would look through the CCTV with you?

Would that be believeable?
Only you know what your partner will believe.

Then if you discover who has done the damage 'together', maybe you can discuss it without her thinking you're 'attacking' her friend.

FWIW, I think it's a pretty descipable trick to damage your car KNOWINGLY and then say nothing about it.

brians_daughter

but op, surely if damage has been caused it isnt unreasonable to expect the person who caused it to recify their damage, or am i missing something here?

Regardless of how you repair it ie DIY job, take it the garage, claim on insurance you will be left out of pocket... unless its a company car and they will pay for it.

TBH if one of my mates had done that to my oh's car and not mentioned it i would be questioning our friendship, not to mention her morals....

OR is it possible she didnt realise it was your car (in no way making her actions any better, but it may clear up why she didnt mentin anything at the time?)

brians_daughter

pollycat makes an excellent suggestion too - goodness, this post has really made me angry...queue flashbacks to when a driver let a car door slam into the side of a car i had owned 2 hours, then denied all knowledge and drove off ggggrrrrr

ali-t

Do you still have the footage of the incident? I would be tempted to e-mail your partners friends the section of the footage showing her damaging the car with a 'thanks for letting me know...' message. Let her sweat it out a bit, the best kind of revenge - especially since you don't like her anyway.

Tropez

mackemdave wrote: »

Id be very worried if she defended her friend over this matter when you have it on CCTV.....She should be as livid as you are about it...She cant be a true friend if she is willing to avoid telling your partner about this

I suppose what I mean is I could understand if I came across as attacking her friend by saying something like "Look what she did" that my partner might want to try and neutralise any ill feeling by suggesting that she would be embarrassed, or slipped her mind, or any other such thing. My partner, bless her, wants everyone to get along but I know if I approach it in a calm, thought out manner she'll understand my dislike.

Pollycat wrote: »

Could you possibly tell your partner that someone has damaged your car and that you're pretty sure it happened when it was parked in the drive and ask if she would look through the CCTV with you?

Would that be believeable?
Only you know what your partner will believe.

Then if you discover who has done the damage 'together', maybe you can discuss it without her thinking you're 'attacking' her friend.

FWIW, I think it's a pretty descipable trick to damage your car KNOWINGLY and then say nothing about it.

That's not a bad suggestion, thanks.

brians_daughter wrote: »

but op, surely if damage has been caused it isnt unreasonable to expect the person who caused it to recify their damage, or am i missing something here?

Regardless of how you repair it ie DIY job, take it the garage, claim on insurance you will be left out of pocket... unless its a company car and they will pay for it.

TBH if one of my mates had done that to my oh's car and not mentioned it i would be questioning our friendship, not to mention her morals....

OR is it possible she didnt realise it was your car (in no way making her actions any better, but it may clear up why she didnt mentin anything at the time?)

She would have known it is my car. I drive an SUV type car and I've picked her, my partner, and their drunken cohorts up several times in it since I purchased it last year. Plus, it was on my drive anyway, so it had to belong to someone who was in my house, even if she didn't recognise it.

I don't really mind being left out of pocket. I'm sure I can afford the repairs without having to go through insurance, and at the end of the day, a bit of money doesn't mean much to me in the grand scheme of things but my partner's happiness means everything. She doesn't get to spend much time out and about, spends 11-13 hours working per day and although I'd rather she didn't get wasted everytime she goes out with this friend, I'd rather they maintained their friendship because it gives her a break from everything. This is why, if her friend had just apologised to begin with, I'd have no problem.