How much drink???

djdido2

If I seriously had to think of what he brings to the relationship my answer would be nothing. I think I have been drawn in by the fact that he begged me to let him see his son. My son has never had his dad in his life and I think that I am seeing it as good for my son. In reality there has been very little contact between them as he is always at work or down the pub so my son is not getting anything either. I love my DS and DD with all my heart and have always put them first. I am a big softy and he takes advantage of my good nature.

I have realised that I need to come down really hard and confront him. If I was being honest I know he is never going to change and I am probably better off asking him to go. Its a scary prospect doing this alone (another baby) but other people have pointed out that I have done it before on my own and can do it again.

euronorris

MrsE wrote: »

Not so, cab drivers can spend a lot of time sittting in their car hanging around waiting for the next fare. That is still working - because it's not like sitting at home with your feet up, it's very tiring hanging about between jobs.

Well, I did think about that possibility, but I don't think that sitting and waiting in a cab can be tiring. Boring, yes, but it's no more tiring than sitting in an office, for example.

But, I get your point that he could be sitting around waiting for jobs, rather than earning fares the whole time.

However, someone else mentioned this I think: How can he claim to have no money, yet has enough to sink all that alcohol each night? Answer: He has the money to contribute to the household, but chooses to drink it instead.

euronorris

OP - You don't have to be together for him to have a relationship with your son.

If you decide to leave/kick him out, he can still see his son, but it is his responsibility to ensure that he has the time and opportunities to do so. Don't let him guilt trip you about not having time because of work, and so it's best if you stay together etc etc (sorry, I can just imagine that being his argument against this). It's not your responsibility to ensure that he has enough time to see his son, that's HIS responsibility and his alone. And remember, there is plenty of time for him to see his son if he wasn't down the pub every night.

djdido2

But thats my whole point, if I ask him to leave he will not see his son and won't have anything to do with baby thats on the way. When he left last time he told me that if he could not have me then he didnt want DS. To think that I have taken him back again is shocking and to get pregnant is just sheer stupidity. I think I have done this for the sake of the kids but it has achieved nothing. I dont even know why I want this man in my life he is a burden.

ViolaLass

djdido2 wrote: »

When he left last time he told me that if he could not have me then he didn't want DS.

I think you're realising this anyway, but is this really the kind of man you want in your life? Is the example you want set to your son?

Caroline73_2

djdido2 wrote: »

But thats my whole point, if I ask him to leave he will not see his son and won't have anything to do with baby thats on the way. When he left last time he told me that if he could not have me then he didnt want DS. To think that I have taken him back again is shocking and to get pregnant is just sheer stupidity. I think I have done this for the sake of the kids but it has achieved nothing. I dont even know why I want this man in my life he is a burden.

but that is his choice to make, not yours. Don't give yourself a hard time about it. He doesn't appreciate his children and they are happier and safer when they are with you.

jakem_2

tanith wrote: »

I hate to say this but he's not going to change , has he not told you so over and over? .

I agree, my situation was slightly different, he wasnt an alcoholic, but had to stop of at the pub every day from work for his 2 pints, and had to go out every saturday and sunday from 11 am to 6ish, every bank holiday was the same, every easter and so forth.

He would do nothing in the house, he would come after his 2 pints and sit on the sofa, the same at the weekend, he might cut the grass but woe betide his 'duty' went past 10.30/11.00.

I had had enough, I worked full time, and did everything, plus we never went anywhere, no days out, weekends away, any holidays I had to book and arrange.

There is no point in talking as my ex told me straight he does not want to change, so I could not accept the person he was, and he could not change, or even meet me a quarter of the way, all I could see was what the next 20-30 odd years would bring, and I made a decision to end the marriage, there were other factors as him being very selfish with money, but it was his lazyness and living the life of a single man with no responsibilities in the home, plus we were like flat mates, he went his way obviously, I was the one doing everything as well as working, and I just realised that this man will never change, so I told him to leave and he can have as much pub time as he wants, sit on his fat a r s e as much as he wants, and live the life of a single man.

Its been nearly a year now, yes, I am doing everything in the home, but you know what, I am managing, I am so stress free its unbelievable, people cannot believe the change in me, I am laughing, joking and my old personailty has come back, as I was as miserable as sin and it showed.

Things are very tight financially, but I am coping, the main thing is my emotional and mental stress has gone.

You might need to sit back and re-think your relationship with this man, as trust me he will not change, he might try and cut back, but he will revert back.

djdido2

jakem, we been with the same man??? Sounds oh so familiar. I still cant get used to the word alcoholic and your ex sounds very similar to mine. Never blind drunk but will not miss ONE SINGLE DAY without those pints at the pub. The weekend part he sits in the vault and watches the TV for hours on end (mostly uneducated drivel) and engages in chit chat and banter with the rest of the people that are in there EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY. This is his only bit of social life in his eyes and I am depriving him of it by being a "nag" and "controlling".

I had Post Natal Depression with DS and I now realise most of this was that he was unsupportive and spent most of his time obsessing thinking that I was cheating (even a day or two after son was born) He now has the cheek to say that pregnancy has sent me MENTAL AGAIN and that he is doing nothing wrong at all!!!! Livid I am!!!

Caroline_a

Anyone who can drink that amount of alcohol and function has a problem. Jakem - your ex was an alcoholic, he was just a functioning one! The more you drink the less it affects you on the outside, but make no mistake it still affects the inside and will eventually catch up with you. Well done for leaving a relationship like this!

I do feel as women we often make a rod for our own backs as we think we can 'change them'. Unfortunately with an addict we can't, only they can make the decision to change and we have to put up or get out. I chose to get out as you did, and I'm sure the OP will come to that decision soon too.

*Louise*

djdido2 wrote: »

Its a scary prospect doing this alone (another baby) but other people have pointed out that I have done it before on my own and can do it again.

And indeed, you are still doing it now, even while he is there.

djdido2 wrote: »

When he left last time he told me that if he could not have me then he didnt want DS.

Then the man is an idiot and one day his kids will see for themselves exactly what he is like. All you have to do is make is clear that he may see them if he wishes (but sober!) and you have done all that is required of you and can remain guilt free.

And now he is passing the blame on to you saying pregnancy is making you mental? I would be flipping livid as well!:mad:

You will have so much less stress when you get rid of this poor excuse of a man - you have to think about you and the baby's health first.