Partner is pregnant - HELP!

January20

If you have debt worries, have you thought about posting a statement of accounts http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html on the DFW board? http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=76 The people on there will have lots of ideas to save money.


ETA: I feel I want to add that I'm pro-choice. Nothing wrong with an abortion, but it's not my place to tell someone they should have one. I wouldn't do it to someone I know, let alone someone on a public forum. That would be irresponsible!

Derivative

January20 wrote: »

ETA: I feel I want to add that I'm pro-choice. Nothing wrong with an abortion, but it's not my place to tell someone they should have one. I wouldn't do it to someone I know, let alone someone on a public forum. That would be irresponsible!

Indeed, unless for medical reasons.
It's important to know the choice is there though IMO.

dean_wales

Its now decided that we are having the baby and that we (or at least she) are moving back to live near her family in the city.

She cant cope with living away from them. It has driven a wedge between us unfortunately as I had settled here and she hasnt. Im essentially faced with an ultimatum of loosing my partner and children if I dont go, so dont really feel I have any choice. She needs to move, baby number 2 or not - we couldnt stay here now all this is out in the open. I would never choose to live there if it was my own decision as I am a rural welsh farmers son who wants/ed to bring my daughters up at least loosely in that environment. Living in a council flat and living the rat race is the exact opposite of that.

If it doesnt work out there at least I can say to myself that I have done everything I could have. I have been moving around, following her for 6 years and 5 moves now. It would break my heart to loose them though. Its not as if I would be living down the road either if we seperated.

I dont know what other couples do when they cant find the middle ground. Seperate I suppose, but that is something I never saw us getting to.

I dont know how much of this is me not being able to do this for her and how much is me being realistic in that it wont work if I just do it for them and ignore my own needs as an individual and as a father.

I wish it were simple. I wish it just worked, but thats not how life works I suppose.

The scan has been arranged for first thing tommorow morning. Fingers crossed its all OK.

I now have to try and work out how and when this move is going to work logistically and financially. I cant see how it is all going to add up and how we will manage it.

Thanks for everyones input. Im sorry if I have ranted on a bit - I dont have many outlets and cant bring myself to tell my family yet as they will see the situation for exactly what it is. That will upset them.

Thanks,

Dean.

Torry_Quine

dean_wales wrote: »

Its now decided that we are having the baby and that we (or at least she) are moving back to live near her family in the city.

She cant cope with living away from them. It has driven a wedge between us unfortunately as I had settled here and she hasnt. Im essentially faced with an ultimatum of loosing my partner and children if I dont go, so dont really feel I have any choice. She needs to move, baby number 2 or not - we couldnt stay here now all this is out in the open. I would never choose to live there if it was my own decision as I am a rural welsh farmers son who wants/ed to bring my daughters up at least loosely in that environment. Living in a council flat and living the rat race is the exact opposite of that.

If it doesnt work out there at least I can say to myself that I have done everything I could have. I have been moving around, following her for 6 years and 5 moves now. It would break my heart to loose them though. Its not as if I would be living down the road either if we seperated.

I dont know what other couples do when they cant find the middle ground. Seperate I suppose, but that is something I never saw us getting to.

I dont know how much of this is me not being able to do this for her and how much is me being realistic in that it wont work if I just do it for them and ignore my own needs as an individual and as a father.

I wish it were simple. I wish it just worked, but thats not how life works I suppose.

The scan has been arranged for first thing tommorow morning. Fingers crossed its all OK.

I now have to try and work out how and when this move is going to work logistically and financially. I cant see how it is all going to add up and how we will manage it.

Thanks for everyones input. Im sorry if I have ranted on a bit - I dont have many outlets and cant bring myself to tell my family yet as they will see the situation for exactly what it is. That will upset them.

Thanks,

Dean.

I really hope that you manage to come to a solution that works for everyone concerned. Hope everything goes well with the scan.

pigpen

So this will be the 6th move in 6 years? Do you think that is healthy?

TBH I think if she is so reliant on living near family and can't cope with 2 children and the pressure of being a family and needs to move so regularly she maybe needs some other kind of help. I'd be concerned about her mental health.. I'm not saying she has a big problem but maybe some counselling of some sort to help her come to terms with whatever she is running away from and whatever it is that she has issue with. Can you be sure she would be happy living closer to her family? Would that last a year and she'd want to run again? I feel there is more to this than it seems.. or maybe I cannot understand why anyone sensible would choose to move house.

Other than why would anyone in their right mind choose to live in a stinky city when they have the option of a lovely isolated middle of nowhere location.

Does what YOU want feature in any of these plans in any way? Or are you the one making all the compromise and there is no give and take?

I hope all is as you would like it for the scan tomorrow.

quantumleap

Hey Dean,

I'd posted earlier in this thread. I'm a Dad to 3 kids aged 6, 4 and 3. (13 months seperating the second 2!) so I have some idea what you're going through in terms of the baby situation. For what its worth, it will work out in the end - it'll be tough to begin with but you'll make it.

What would worry me a little more in your situation is that it seems your concerns are not really being taken into consideration - you seem to be doing a lot of giving but not getting much in return. The decision you guys have to make should not be "move with me or we seperate" - it should be "I'm not happy here, you aren't happy there - how can we find a happy medium". You've got to find a solution now that doesn't cause resentment in the future and I fear if you totally loose yourself and your own hopes and ambitions that you may feel like that.

I appreciate this is a terribly difficult situation for both of you but you both must sit down and talk rationally and find a solution that you both feel happy to live with rather than 1 of you having to sacrifice everything.

Plans_all_plans

I really do think that your relationship is under massive strain, which is NORMAL with a fairly new baby, and particularly with a second unplanned baby on the way. However, I don't think that separating is the only answer to your problem. Personally, I feel that a good talk is required - for instance, I'd be speaking about moving nearer to her family in the short term, with a view to moving back to a rural location later on in a few years. Surely that has got to be better than you splitting (if this is the only major stumbling block in your relationship) living hundreds of miles from your children and only seeing them now and then?

Another thing that might be a possibility: could your girlfriend move back to her parents on her own in the short term, just until she is due to go back to work after maternity and then move back to your rural place?

dean_wales

This will be the fifth move. All of which bar one have been at her request... I know its not healthy and a reflection of her issues but that doesnt change the fact that happened and is happening again. I feel so out of control.

• First move was away from our uni shared house in the midlands as her abusive estranged father kicked off, we moved in to live with her mum in her flat down south. This never worked but lasted a while as we went backpacking for a year around asia.
• Second move was away from her mum to live with my parents in wales as she had fallen out with her family. We lived on my parents farm with them but in a holiday home so we had space and no bills.
• Third move was away from my parents farm to our own place in the next county as she was pregnant and needed some space and more public transport and friends etc. This was kind of a joint decision even if my arm was bent. She wanted to move back down south then but I said I didnt want to and could we compromise. I wish I hadnt insisted on a compromise now.
• Fourth move was into the town from the previous house as she wanted a bigger more central house so that she could be a childminder etc.
• Fifth move is now us moving back down south to be with her family. I am determined for that to mean near her family not in her mums flat but we will see.

I really dont know what to do. There is no option of compromise here as she clearly (rightly or wrongly) cant live away from them. I dont know if that will be forever or not but I think so.

What do you do when the woman you love puts you and your child(ren) in this situation? None of my preferences regarding timing, housing or location will be reflected in the move and any that are will slowly be eroded at every opportunity. What annoys me most is the barriers she is putting up about how we will be better off financially etc when we move. Although we are struggling here we live somewhere cheap and in a nice big-ish house and I have a steady job and have managed to keep us afloat and an ok standard of living since she stopped work about 16 months ago.

She is also now putting pressure on me because I am very upset and apparently I "cant see what we will have" and am not "excited about the baby". I know she means well but I feel a bit like I am being stretched beyond breaking point. I already have everything I want apart from a bit more money in the bank and a parter who feels the same. I dont know if I would be a better father and partner if I did say NO. I cant see how that would end in anything other than seperation though. Its difficult as I wouldnt want us to stay here now she has made her feelings so clear.

She should get some counselling but has always said that she needs to do that with the support of her family nearby as when she started some before she broke down and launched into move 2 above.

I wonder whether I should get some help to see if this will really make me happy or at least give me some tools to cope while we do it.

I expect she hasnt even thought about how long it will take for me to find a higher paid job there, do the 400 mile round trip for all the job interviews, find a deposit etc for a house there at twice the price, pay for a a removal lorry etc.

The more I think actually the more I dread it.

Its such a shame for that poor unborn baby that all this is happening. It seems unfair. The more I think about it the more the baby and the gap is really OK with me. Its the situation thats come along with it that is destroying me.

Thanks,

Dean.

Torry_Quine

Dean - I really feel for you, you are bending over backwards to help her and getting very little back. Are you going with her for the scan tomorrow?

dean_wales

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I really do think that your relationship is under massive strain, which is NORMAL with a fairly new baby, and particularly with a second unplanned baby on the way. However, I don't think that separating is the only answer to your problem. Personally, I feel that a good talk is required - for instance, I'd be speaking about moving nearer to her family in the short term, with a view to moving back to a rural location later on in a few years. Surely that has got to be better than you splitting (if this is the only major stumbling block in your relationship) living hundreds of miles from your children and only seeing them now and then?

Another thing that might be a possibility: could your girlfriend move back to her parents on her own in the short term, just until she is due to go back to work after maternity and then move back to your rural place?

Hi plans,

There has been a LOT of talking, crying and letter writing etc. Just no change in the underlying decision she has made. We move there - end of story.

I think my only hope is to move with her and slowly try and steer us out of that city and into the suburbs. But I dont know if I can do it (financially or emotionally) The trouble is - its one of the most expensive places to live in the UK and pretty dismal jobswise for a local government officer like me. So scrimping for a flat or council place in the city is the most we could hope for.

Thanks,

Dean.