Partner is pregnant - HELP!

Plans_all_plans

You poor thing, my heart goes out to you! What about relationship counselling? It could give you a chance to explore each other's viewpoints in a neutral setting and come to a decision once both sides have been heard.

dean_wales

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Dean - I really feel for you, you are bending over backwards to help her and getting very little back. Are you going with her for the scan tomorrow?

Yes I am going to the scan. I wouldnt miss it and even through all this still could not let her go to it without my support.

Its such a shame that it has become all about us two and our home and not the baby.

I havent slept for two days now either. I think I need a drink.

Dean.

pigpen

So.. she wants back to be near her abusive family???

Forgive me for being cynical but.. do you think this is a good move? For your children? for your wife?

Could you not move closer to your family for support which sounds like it would at least be a positive influence on the children and the family as a whole?

I think you need to sit down and talk some sense into her.. I would be very concerned right now too..

I see what she is running from and she must own that issue and take control of it because she is letting it control her and the family at the moment.

Why would you be excited about a baby you don't much want.. believe me I am in the same situation there at the moment and the mere thought of a second baby sends my poor OH running for the toilet! He is terrified! I fully empathise with you there.

You both need to either listen more carefully to the other and not focus on what either one of you wants as an individual.. a marriage is a partnership not one running behind the other like a little lapdog.. sharing of responsibility including for decision making is vital. If you cannot do this just the 2 of you then maybe an outside agency such as relate would be able to help you both with this, or a family counsellor who would look at her issues regarding her family too.

If she is struggling with the little one with you there how would she manage if you weren't? She sounds like she is being very nearsighted and not looking at the long term impact this move would have on you all.

sjc3

MoneySavingMamma wrote: »

I, like the OP had no1, then said no more children until i/we are ready, financially/emotionally/just having the time etc.
The years rolled on, and there was always something in the way, finally when no1 was 5 we decided to try again, we did, I fell pregnant in Jan, in March I had a miscarriage. It was the most devistating time of my life & I have been through a few traumas! Now I want to try again, but I'm scared to.

Just wanted to send you a big ((((HUG)))). I have been in your position and can really empathise with the fear and frustration you feel at the moment. I had several miscarriages but finally carried a baby to term and that pregnancy went really smoothly. I really hope it will happen again for you and be fine.

shell_girl

Reading your thread I get the impression that you are the grown up in this relationship.

I appreciate that hormones are running wild at the moment for your partner, and she probably is frightened and confused. Looking at the history of your moves, can she be sure that she won't fall out with her family again and want to move? Especially with the added pressure of two young children to look after... because no matter where you live those pressures are the same.

When children come along, everyone moves up a generation. I get the impression that she still thinks of herself as the 'child'- which could be why she wants to move back home near her family. How does her mum feel about the possibility of four additional people in her flat? Has she actually been consulted? Your partner may be in for a shock if her mother has become used to the peace and quiet of solo living!

Maybe the shock of the second pregnancy has made her feel even younger and more vulnerable, and her natural reaction is to run home to Mum. In your position I would be gently reminding her that it is your (as a couple) job to provide a place of safety and security for your children.

You don't have to answer this question on here OP but please give it some consideration- has your partner ever been happy ANYWHERE? If she is genuinely unhappy where you are now and would be happy for years and years in the new place, then maybe suck it up and do it for her if it's right for your family. The impression I get however, is that you will be genuinely unhappy if you move, and your partner will want to up sticks again after a year or so.

Would your relationship survive that?

sjc3

quantumleap wrote: »

Hey Dean,

I'd posted earlier in this thread. I'm a Dad to 3 kids aged 6, 4 and 3. (13 months seperating the second 2!) so I have some idea what you're going through in terms of the baby situation. For what its worth, it will work out in the end - it'll be tough to begin with but you'll make it.

What would worry me a little more in your situation is that it seems your concerns are not really being taken into consideration - you seem to be doing a lot of giving but not getting much in return. The decision you guys have to make should not be "move with me or we seperate" - it should be "I'm not happy here, you aren't happy there - how can we find a happy medium". You've got to find a solution now that doesn't cause resentment in the future and I fear if you totally loose yourself and your own hopes and ambitions that you may feel like that.

I appreciate this is a terribly difficult situation for both of you but you both must sit down and talk rationally and find a solution that you both feel happy to live with rather than 1 of you having to sacrifice everything.

I completely agree with this. Was just thinking of how to word thoughts much the same as above and found someone has done it for me.

summerday

Just wanted to say you sound like a wonderful partner and will do anything to try and keep her happy. This is a stressful time but try to stay strong and look after yourself. I'm sure things will get easier in time, even if they get worse before they get better.

pinkclouds

pigpen wrote: »

Other than why would anyone in their right mind choose to live in a stinky city when they have the option of a lovely isolated middle of nowhere location.

Because it's isolated in the middle of nowhere. No people, no shops, no facilities, drive for miles just to get a newspaper, rubbish public transport, difficult for family to visit, depressing, lonely, etc. Skype, email and cell phones make it more bearable. Plus, of course, a car to get out of the house occasionally.

For people who spend equal amounts of time living in a location, then there is no real compromise between isolated countryside and busy cities. However, if one of you spends all day at home and the other one only comes home to eat/sleep... Do you really get as much "benefit" out of living in the countryside as you think? And with two little ones at the baby stage, there will be no such thing as "weekend leisure time" as it's a 24/7 thing. Just one way of looking at it. It's a tough situation. I hope you find a solution.

pigpen

pinkclouds wrote: »

Because it's isolated in the middle of nowhere. No people, no shops, no facilities, drive for miles just to get a newspaper, rubbish public transport, difficult for family to visit, depressing, lonely, etc. Skype, email and cell phones make it more bearable. Plus, of course, a car to get out of the house occasionally.

Sounds like bliss.. and I don't drive..

catkins

pigpen wrote: »

So this will be the 6th move in 6 years? Do you think that is healthy?
Other than why would anyone in their right mind choose to live in a stinky city when they have the option of a lovely isolated middle of nowhere location..

I have lived in both and much much prefer to live in a city than the country. I hated living in the country. It was too quiet, too far from shops, cinema, library, decent restuarants etc. The people were nosy wanting to know all your business. There was only a couple of buses a week. Oh and we got burgled which even when we lived in the grottiest parts of London did not happen - I hated living there before the burglery though