Partner is pregnant - HELP!

Plans_all_plans

EdgEy wrote: »

. There is no sense in letting an accidental conception ruin your plans in life.

I'll point out that I'm pro-life before I start, but I'd like to point out that an accidental conception does not always ruin one's plans in life!

I fell pregnant at 21 in the middle of my finals at uni, there couldn't really have been a worse time. What I found (after considering ALL my options) was that my pregnancy gave me a new perspective and a different outlook, with a new drive to succeed and do well. I know a number of my mum friends now have found the same thing.

OP: I don't mean to put pressure on one way or the other, as I realise how hard it is to be in your position. I just didn't like the idea that an accidental conception would always mean your life would end up ruined! Best wishes.

dean_wales

I find it genuinely interesting and useful to have such a cross section of view on this. It has helped me distill where my own views sit. I particularily enjoyed John Lennons input

Before I say anything can I just re-iterate that breastfeeding was not our contraceptive here - the 98% effective IUD coil was! The breast feeding and near abstinance were just extra levels of security - or at least we thought they were.

From more talking and arguing and sitting on the beach staring out to sea thinking "what on earth are we going to do!" a few more things have become clear.

For starters I have always been one of those men in the "not-pro-abortion" but certainly "would-consider-an-abortion" camps. But this has changed now that I am in this situation, I dare say that some of the other voices may have their views challenged if they were put in our shoes. Its a complicated and difficult decision to have to make unless you know you never want children and it is a totally unwanted. Any greying of those lines just makes it harder and harder, and thats before you take into account our differing feelings as a couple.

Therefore, in reality I think that there is no way that we will be considering a termination now. In some ways I wish we could, as on paper it makes some sense. But in all honesty we both want a second child and to terminate this pregnancy purely becuase of timing seems somehow selfish and irresponsible. Dont ask me to rationalise that - its just my/our gut feeling on it. The process of having a termination in anything other than the very early stages is also far more invasive than I realised.

So providing there is no medical complications with the pregnancy or coil or combination thereof, we will be having this baby. But that is where the certainty ends - how and where we do it is totally up in the air.

The real issue is that I dont think either of us had recognised the fact that we were already struggling with our current situation...

1.She has been missing her family badly because a) they are so far away b) we havent got the money to visit as often as we promised ourselves when we moved here and c) they are busyier in their own lives with kids etc now and so cant visit us very often.

2.Money and increasing debt has been a constant worry for us and this baby will make that worse as she is not going to be able to go back work this summer. We were basically just trying to hang in there financially until that happened.

3.As a couple we have found that our relationship isnt always that healthy in terms of communication, affection and our general attitudes.

4.The other issue is that as we have both been through the mill a bit in the last year or so we have both just been getting to the "finally we can take a breath and concentrate on doing some of the things we are missing". She wanted to start working out and loosing the first lot of baby weight, getting working and going on holiday for once. I have been just working working working and so have no social life or friends as my job is very unsocial. I had been looking forward to starting to shift some money and time towards a hoby etc once she started work. All of those will now be very difficult to do. I think that lack of time to compose yourself is the biggest drawback to having a small gap between kids and one I never saw before.

If it was just the pregnancy alone as an issue we would probably just be saying "oh well its not what we planned but we will make it work". Its the fact that having this baby may well mean we have to uproot again and move somewhere I dont want to live. It could end up emotionally and financially ruining us. But I can see no other options:

a) Stay where we are and struggle through financially. The lack of emotional and practical support would probably be too much for my partner to cope. Knowing this would hold me back from settling here as I "know its doomed to fail".

b) Move back to the city to be near her family. The financial implications would be pretty grave and we would be clammering for an urban state dependant life which I dont really want. I think that would gradually wear me down as I know it doesnt make me happy.

I am always amazed at the length of these ranting posts. I think there are a lot of unresolved issues here. I wish I could think of at least a semi-feasible way forward.

Thanks,

Dean.

Plans_all_plans

In terms of support, there's an organisation called HomeStart who could help out with things. A friend of mine used them and said her volunteer was a God-send. http://www.home-start.org.uk/needsupport/need_support

Have you posted an SOA on the Debt-Free Wannabe board? They are full of tips on how to cut back etc. Also, the Old Style board can help in terms of making the most of what you've got in etc.

Also, there's an organisation called LIFE who can help with financial support in certain circumstances. You could contact them to see if you could apply for help http://www.lifecharity.org.uk/financial-help

Are you getting all the benefits you're entitled to? Check on www.entitledto.co.uk.

All the best.

dean_wales

HomeStart dont operate in our area unfortunately. I will follow up the LIFE link - thank you.

In terms of finances my main income is my council job which pays approx £17.5k, I do extra bits and bobs like a saturday shop job to try and earn more. We get tax credit for our little one as my partner is not working which is about £55 a week and some Child Benefit. I am not aware of anything else we would be able to claim as we(I) work and earn above most thresholds.

We are very tight with money and make virtually no unecesaary spending and are as thrifty as we can. Nobody is perfect though.

At our new house, we probably spend in a month as follows:

Rent £500
Council Tax £85
Water £30
Gas £50
Electric £50
Food £250
Car fuel £80
Car insurance £30
Car all other costs £50
All social stuff £75
Baby stuff (clothes, wipes, misc) £50
Two PAYG mobiles £15
Broadband & landline £30
Household bits £25
Clothes etc £15

TOTAL £1,335

Thats all of my income gone before you even consider any unexpected costs, one off costs with the car or saving or a holiday or anything outside your daya to day expenditure.

But to be honest the money is probably on 40-50% of the issue. The rest is the emotional and logistical problems of not being able to cope.

Thanks,

Dean.

patchwork_cat

pigpen wrote: »

This year I have 2 doing A-levels and 2 doing GCSE's.. they stagger the exams over the 2 years here .. it is ok.. they are all fairly quiet and get on and revise.. we don't do stress it is not productive.

My 10 y/o still wears nappies for bed so you can have a 9.5 year gap and still end up with 2 in nappies!

Well you are lucky that they don't do stress, but you are proving my point, one can plan and plan, but you can't legislate for every eventuality. As I know from your FB posts the unexpected happens!

OP have you checked on entitledto that you are getting everything? As for support would it be possible to move near your OH's family, but perhaps a little cheaper area? Will you be able to commute, if not and you want to carry on working for the council be aware that a lot of jobs will be ringfenced in new authorities for a bit.

pigpen

patchwork_cat wrote: »

Well you are lucky that they don't do stress, but you are proving my point, one can plan and plan, but you can't legislate for every eventuality. As I know from your FB posts the unexpected happens!

OP have you checked on entitledto that you are getting everything? As for support would it be possible to move near your OH's family, but perhaps a little cheaper area? Will you be able to commute, if not and you want to carry on working for the council be aware that a lot of jobs will be ringfenced in new authorities for a bit.

And very little goes on my facebook..

Last week we had to replace all 3 locks for the house.. I have 4 with disabilities.. we get DLA for 2... you don't see that one coming either!

My oldest son moved back home after 3 years.. :eek:

Then this sproggit decided to implant itself and grow so I am not struggling to find pushchair/cot etc and find house space for another person..

Life is never easy and there are always obstacles thrown in your path to keep you busy..

Derivative

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I'll point out that I'm pro-life before I start, but I'd like to point out that an accidental conception does not always ruin one's plans in life!

"Ruin" could be a strong word, my apologies.

What I should really say, is "change". If your plans in life are to live a nomadic lifestyle, moving from place to place, finding work where you can, etc. children would put a pretty big downer on that.

Similarly a third child when you're already struggling with two. I myself couldn't do it. I'd find myself hating the child for all the stress and that's really not fair on them at all.

I just think leaving a decision like this up to chance is silly. If your bank rang you up tomorrow and told you they'd spent £200k of your money on a house, you surely wouldn't roll over and accept it. And choosing to have children is a much bigger commitment!

threemuttleys

10th baby :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

andrealm

Good luck, although you're struggling financially, at least if you don't have any childcare costs at the moment, you'll probably find that extra costs of basic items like nappies and food will be covered by an increase in child benefit and tax credits. And you can keep baby stuff for the second child, you can often get a double buggy quite cheaply second hand or maybe even on freecycle.

In some ways, if you were planning to have a second child at some point, it may be easier in the long term to have them close together, it'll only be a few years before they're both at school,which would make it easier to afford childcare if your wife is working then. If she wants to be a childminder, she would still be able to look after some older children, even when you have two, and still be within the ratios, I think?
And, with a small gap, they will both be older and a little bit more independent within a shorter time, making things a bit less stressful, hopefully. Personally, I think it would be harder to have a bigger gap and that going back to having a baby would be harder if your first was already a bit older, but that's just me.

I can honestly say I found my second child much easier than the first time around, I had PND and struggled with my first, by the time I'd had my second I was more confident and able to cope and had a routine of going to parent and toddler groups, which really helped, my first had only just turned two when the second was born. Yes, it can be hard at times juggling the needs of two at that age, but you manage.

galvanizersbaby

andrealm wrote: »

Good luck, although you're struggling financially, at least if you don't have any childcare costs at the moment, you'll probably find that extra costs of basic items like nappies and food will be covered by an increase in child benefit and tax credits. And you can keep baby stuff for the second child, you can often get a double buggy quite cheaply second hand or maybe even on freecycle.

In some ways, if you were planning to have a second child at some point, it may be easier in the long term to have them close together, it'll only be a few years before they're both at school,which would make it easier to afford childcare if your wife is working then. If she wants to be a childminder, she would still be able to look after some older children, even when you have two, and still be within the ratios, I think?
And, with a small gap, they will both be older and a little bit more independent within a shorter time, making things a bit less stressful, hopefully. Personally, I think it would be harder to have a bigger gap and that going back to having a baby would be harder if your first was already a bit older, but that's just me.

I can honestly say I found my second child much easier than the first time around, I had PND and struggled with my first, by the time I'd had my second I was more confident and able to cope and had a routine of going to parent and toddler groups, which really helped, my first had only just turned two when the second was born. Yes, it can be hard at times juggling the needs of two at that age, but you manage.

OP - I agree with what Andrealm has said here - my 2 children have 18 months between them (I fell pg unexpectedly when DS was 9 months old and though I wasn't in the same place as you financially I wasn't in an ideal place in my marriage to have another)

They are now 7 and 8 so a school year apart and it is much easier than when they were both under 2!

That said I am expecting my 3rd in 2 month's time so facing the nappies and sleepless nights all over again.

Good luck with whatever you decide