Partner is pregnant - HELP!

LittleMissAspie

pigpen wrote: »

Other than why would anyone in their right mind choose to live in a stinky city when they have the option of a lovely isolated middle of nowhere location.

When you've grown up in a stinky city, that's what feels like home. I moved from outer London to Cambridge when I was 24, now I'm 33 and the city of Cambridge still feels like the middle of nowhere. I just don't get why there are fields all around it, that's not normal to me!

MoneySavingMamma

Really happy you have made the decision to keep the baby.

Overall I do think abortions should stay legal, as there are people that need them, due to many circumstances, but I also think it's terrible that some people (this is NOT directed at OP, he was weighing up options to see what what be best for his family, including the children involved, not just what would benefit himself)
just look at abortion as an easy option, or a form of contraceptive (as in no protection at time of conception, as abortion available if pregnancy does follow)

Al little off topic, but that always happens on MSE!

ViolaLass

MoneySavingMamma wrote: »

Overall I do think abortions should stay legal, as there are people that need them, due to many circumstances, but I also think it's terrible that some people...just look at abortion as an easy option, or a form of contraceptive (as in no protection at time of conception, as abortion available if pregnancy does follow)

You would prefer that someone that flighty (as you see it) had and raised a baby? Incidentally, I've never met anyone who used abortion as their sole form of contraception.

MoneySavingMamma

ViolaLass wrote: »

You would prefer that someone that flighty (as you see it) had and raised a baby? Incidentally, I've never met anyone who used abortion as their sole form of contraception.

It's more that people let it get to a pregnancy, then thats the only option left! It is good that it is there for certain situations, including women who could not be a good mother to a child - drink/drug abuse, financial situation (I mean dirt broke living in a gutter/bedsit, not just no longer able to keep up with the Jones')

I read an article in Cosmo or similar, the woman had had 4 abortions!! 2 of which she conceived with her husband! To me that is absolutely disgusting.
I have also had conversations with girls at work, aged 16-22, many of them have friends/people they know who have had more than one abortion under 20yrs of age, and they are relying on it as a form of contraception.

I got pregnant at 18, which wasn't as unplanned as I made out (contraception failed during ..... if you get me) and chose not to get morning after pill (I think my hormones got the better of me!)
but when I found out I was pregnant it was a big shock, and I did look into the options. I had a partner, he worked, not big money at all, but steady job. I was a student, but have at least half a brain, so I didn't feel I had the right to take this childs life away. I missed out on university, and have had to work & juggle life since, but now at 24 I have an amazing child, a half decent partner & earn more than my childless friends that did go to university, as I have been driven to provide for my child.

A friend of mine fell pregnant a year after me, she was working, partner had a good job & owned a house. She chose to abort to 'have more of a life' she then fell pregnant 8months later, and chose to keep that one!!

I think the choice to choose the life or death of an unborn child is greatly abused.

snookey

I think most of the advice you need has been given . Moving back to her mothers does not sound like the best choice for eaither of you. At the end of the day becoming a parent means standing on your own two feet and living back home is not going to help.

dean_wales

shell_girl wrote: »

Reading your thread I get the impression that you are the grown up in this relationship.

I appreciate that hormones are running wild at the moment for your partner, and she probably is frightened and confused. Looking at the history of your moves, can she be sure that she won't fall out with her family again and want to move? Especially with the added pressure of two young children to look after... because no matter where you live those pressures are the same.

When children come along, everyone moves up a generation. I get the impression that she still thinks of herself as the 'child'- which could be why she wants to move back home near her family. How does her mum feel about the possibility of four additional people in her flat? Has she actually been consulted? Your partner may be in for a shock if her mother has become used to the peace and quiet of solo living!

Maybe the shock of the second pregnancy has made her feel even younger and more vulnerable, and her natural reaction is to run home to Mum. In your position I would be gently reminding her that it is your (as a couple) job to provide a place of safety and security for your children.

You don't have to answer this question on here OP but please give it some consideration- has your partner ever been happy ANYWHERE? If she is genuinely unhappy where you are now and would be happy for years and years in the new place, then maybe suck it up and do it for her if it's right for your family. The impression I get however, is that you will be genuinely unhappy if you move, and your partner will want to up sticks again after a year or so.

Would your relationship survive that?

First thing, it was her father who was the abusive one. Since they were all rehomed and contact was cut he has not been seen. Hopefully this will be permanently.

Thank you shell girl, that post is a particularily astute and mirrors nearly exactly what I feel "This is our life and our family we are talking about" Support from either family is welcome and maybe even needed but shouldnt rule the decision entirely. Especially when it means throwing away a lot of good things here. I have an OK stableish job, a nice enough house, some occaisonal family support on my side and the beginings of a social support network from all the mumsy groups she goes to. We dont live rurally but in a small town on the coast in a rural area.

Her mum wasnt consulted it was taken as a given and she said yes - it will be of detriment to her independance and could end our relationship as I know how sour it can turn. I have said that under no circumstances will I just move in with her again. The only way we can stay with her is: if it is for a week or two while we are waiting for something to come through (job, house etc) that is already properly confirmed.

You hit the nail on the head when you talk about her as a child. This is a long standing issue resulting from the abuse she suffered as a child and is one that rears its head in many ways. She has always missed her family though so its not an entirely panic driven decision but the arguements and general irrationality are.

I dont know if moving back there would end the moves. I have my doubts especially as I think we would struggle to get by there.

The scan was tough. On the good side she is pregnant normally and viably and its 8 weeks along. Unfortunately after alot of investigation (4 hours and lots of consultants and doctors etc) they could not locate the coil and so cannot rmeove it. If it is still in there somewhere then there will be an increased level of risk throughout the pregnancy, given that she has a family history of miscarriages its not exactly what we wanted to hear.

We have talked some more about how each of us sees this move working. We are on totally differnent planets.

I said I will move if a) I can get a job that earns enough to provide the same standard of living we have here down there b) we get a rented house sorted that is comparable but smaller than what we have here c) we both attend some counselling sessions so that this whole situation can be discussed and our own individual issues addressed.

She said we are going to move soon. I am going to quit my job, move in with her mum and claim whatever benefits we can. We can then apply for a council house as a priority need and once we have been given one I can get back to work! :mad: !!!!!!!

We were brought up differently I suppose and she sees that as the only option. I think in time she will climb down from that stance when she realises that it wouldnt be quite so simple. Not only because I wont do it but the benefits system doesnt work like that, council housing would take months or years at best and in that time living in that flat would be unworkable. I wont put the little one through that.

She has agreed that we need to get some counselling as a couple though. Hopefully the GP will be able to offer some contacts/advice for getting this via the NHS. If not I can see it never happening.

Car pre MOT and timing belt change to do this week, last thing I need! I havent the £ or the patience for it .

Ive put together all the information I can on the housing/benefits/affordability situation and will put it to her tonight. It wont go down well, but if she doesnt take it on board I dont think there is any reasoning with her.

Thanks for all the advice thus far. I value it a lot and it acting as mini counselling for me as well as giving me some determination to say NO to things and be realistic, cheers :beer:.

Thanks,

Dean.

peachyprice

dean_wales wrote: »

She said we are going to move soon. I am going to quit my job, move in with her mum and claim whatever benefits we can. We can then apply for a council house as a priority need and once we have been given one I can get back to work! :mad: !!!!!!!

Oh Dean, she is living in cloud cuckoo land, as I'm sure you are only too well aware. You will have a roof over your head, you won't be homeless so they're not going to house you any time soon unless her mum chucks you all out, then it will be a hostel or B&B. Is that what she wants for her children?

Have you managed to speak to the housing dept in the town her mum lives to see just what the situation is there?

It's so sad that this baby is already driving a wedge between you even before it's born. I can see the poor child being a bone of contention for your whole family for a very long time, there's so much resentment already.

I hope you stay strong and fight for what you know is right.

dean_wales

peachyprice wrote: »

Oh Dean, she is living in cloud cuckoo land, as I'm sure you are only too well aware. You will have a roof over your head, you won't be homeless so they're not going to house you any time soon unless her mum chucks you all out, then it will be a hostel or B&B. Is that what she wants for her children?

Have you managed to speak to the housing dept in the town her mum lives to see just what the situation is there?

It's so sad that this baby is already driving a wedge between you even before it's born. I can see the poor child being a bone of contention for your whole family for a very long time, there's so much resentment already.

I hope you stay strong and fight for what you know is right.

I work in local government and sit next to the housing team so I know the real situation even though its a different authority. The authority that covers her area states that in 2010 in took on average about a year to house families in the band B "high need" bracket. Even she wouldnt try an agrue we would be in that bracket (when I show her the criteria later) or that a year was workable or even that the house people were allocated were anything like what she is used to and would want.

Its not the baby that is driving the wedge, its her attitude towards having to move. I wouldnt ever hold it against them and insist that current little one isnt subjected to any of our current arguements. This will all be resolved one way or another, together or apart by the time number 2 is born - or at least I hope so.

I wish that it wasnt so - I love kids and would be excited otherwise even if I didnt know what to do regarding money etc.

Bleurgh.

Dean.

clairec79

The coil may not have been seen because it has come out and she didn't notice it (if that is the case then it can't cause any harm to the pregnancy)

Best of luck to you, this can't be the easiest situation to be in (and I'm on about the relationship rather than the unplanned pregnancy as I suspect she'd have found a way to suggest you move back to her mum even if she wasn't pregnant)

digitalphase

Is it really true that you can get a council house and have a full time job? Is that a job below a certain wage or something? I was under the impression that when you have a job, you rented or bought privately. I thought council houses were temporary accommodation for people on tough times, claiming benefits.

I do of course know that the system is abused. For example there is a bloke at my OH's work who works full time plus over time. His wife does a part time job at home. They live in a council house. They have just saved up £7k to buy a brand new car, have several holidays a year plus all the latest gadgets. Whereas we struggle to keep our heads above water renting privately. Doesn't seem right.

Sorry, may have gone off on a tangent and I know you weren't asking about benefits at all, but just shocked someone could suggest getting a council house, taking it away from a family in real need, and then you getting a job again. I'm really sorry to say it, but she sounds like she has a screw loose.

I hope things turn out OK, she really needs some help hun or she'll drag you and the kids down with her