Partner is pregnant - HELP!

dean_wales

January20 wrote: »

Sounds like perhaps you could do with some counselling to deal with these issues and explore the best way to resolve them.

I would agree - its largely stuff from the past, but I am not aware of anything on the NHS or that we could afford privately.

January20 wrote: »

It doesn't sound like moving back with her family would be the best thing for you to do as a couple. Living in a small flat with people you don't care about. And how sure would you be that you could find a job, never mind just start at the bottom again?

I agree entirely. It's not something I would choose for me or my family.

January20 wrote: »

Also, and I don't mean to be mean, but if she is planning to be a childminder she'd better get used to looking after more than one young child at a time, shouldn't she?

Again, not trying to be mean, but perhaps she needs to get her head round the fact these children are hers and her responsibility. Lots of single parents cope solely on their own. For many reasons, a lot of parents do not get support from relatives!

Valid points. I personally like the fact that we have family at arms length but when you are on the breadline not having the option of having an evening or day off is very stressfull. With the childminding the issue is not only do the £ children go home at the end of the day but the problem is that she wont be able to mind any £ children below 18 months as she will have two of her own and that is the legal limit for that age. To do any childminding she would need to have our two babies and one or two kids aged 2-4 years which is quite a big ask.

I know that in an ideal world she should be able to cope with this with me as the day 2 day support but I think she will struggle. Everyone has their limits.

January20 wrote: »

Reading this above, I am sure that even if she agreed to a termination, she would always blame you for it and may never forgive you, so you could lose her and your existing child.

I dont think its a situation whereby I am suggesting one and she would be agreeing. Neither of us want one but we know that on paper it would be the most sensible thing to do unless she is a long way into her pregnancy (breastfeeding supresses periods so we have no way of dating until the scan). It just a case of whether we could move on from it or whether it would be something that we couldnt deal with, she would find it harder than I would though I think. She has admitted that she now understands why people choose to have terminations and has been talking about it as an option.

January20 wrote: »

It sounds like you both need some time to get your heads round what is happening. Proper chats with medical professional might help you a little along the way.

Your very right. It's just that the wheels of the NHS are slow to turn and all the while we are in despair, not knowing and just waiting and I am working most days.

Deep down I suspect that she will be a fair way along in her pregnancy because the sickness and tiredness is so bad. That would mean the termination would be a far more invasive procedure which might just be too much.

I just worry about whether it is responsible to follow through an unwanted pregnancy in such a situation.

Sigh. I just cant believe this has happened to us.

Dean.

clairec79

My youngest was unplanned and I was considering a termination and from what you have said on here seem to have been of a similar mindset to your wife.

I went so far as to request a termination went for the scan hoping so much that I'd either have had a silent miscarriage, have an ectoptic pregnancy or be so far on that the decision was out of my hands - I didn't want to be pregnant but I didn't want to terminate either. In my head the logical thing was to have a termination but in the end I realised I couldn't go through with it. That it may break my relationship with my husband, or mean my older children couldn't have as much as otherwise (they'd still have enough but rather than us being ahead of things financially it would mean we were going back to getting by and no foreign holidays etc) but I could live with all of that, I couldn't live with myself and the guilt I personally would feel.

I have struggled more emotionally since my son has been born and I do think that is to do with the mixed feeling about the pregnancy, I do love him though and don't regret having him, but I do feel guilty at having thought about aborting him but I think that feeling would have been worse if I'd gone through with it

Torry_Quine

dean_wales wrote: »

I would agree - its largely stuff from the past, but I am not aware of anything on the NHS or that we could afford privately.
Dean.[/QUOTE

Here is an organisation that can give you free confidential counselling.
http://www.careconfidential.com/

Plans_all_plans

Could your girlfriend look for work? I know it wouldn't be ideal to put two young children into childcare, but she may find it more palatable than the alternative? You would also get a lot of the childcare costs paid for through tax credits. It's something else to think about.

sarahjayne1977

I wanted to point out as you have a child under one the NICE guidelines state you get pushed quite high up counselling list.First time i was refered i waited 6 weeks..second time i was refered i was seen within 4 weeks and that was asking to see one person not just anyone...I only know this as i am on my second lot of counselling since my daughter was born 11 months ago and its though NHS..my own doctor reffered me.
As for been pregnant so soon...I am also 3 months pregnant and my daughter is not 11 months old till 18th..so be 17 month between them..but its happened and these things are send to try us but i wouldn't have it any other way:)

missindecisive

hope you both soon come to terms with the news and that the initial shock sinks in !
ive been in your shoes, I have four children and the last two have eighteen months between them, so I had a baby one year, then another baby the next.:eek: no support from any family members here either and husband works long hours.

its not impossible, honestly. yes, hard work for the first couple of years, but then things will click into place. its a baby, not a terminal illness ! good luck to you both, things will work out- you can do it.

January20

Dean, thank you for your reply to my post. If your partner needs to work for your family to survive financially, would it not be possible for her to work when you are at home in the evening? It would tiring but it would mean free childcare and a chance for her to earn money and get out of the house.

I can feel you anxiety reading your posts, but you know, I believe things happen for a reason.

ceridwen

Brallaqueen wrote: »

Just to balance the scales - if you are not ready for the baby emotionally or financially then it may not be the time to have another. Please tink carefully before you make any decision.

Seconded.

Don't let other people - no matter how well-meaning - "assume" you into continuing with the pregnancy.

Its not an automatic given that you "make the best of things". You are fully entitled to decide not to proceed with the pregnancy.

I would think you would be wisest NOT to tell anyone in the Real World until you have decided (just the two of you on your own) whether to continue with the pregnancy or no. Otherwise you may find people pressurising you...

EDIT: There is also the option no-one ever seems to mention these days - ie adoption. If you both really really decide not to either have the child OR have an abortion - then babies are in great demand for adoption and there are loads of loving desperate couples waiting and hoping they will have the chance to adopt a baby. Only you two know whether you "have it in you" to carry a pregnancy to full-term and then give the child up for adoption. All three choices are unpalatable - but there ARE three choices (not two).

January20

I always appreciate your down to earth, straightforward attitude Ceridwen!

My "problem" with adoption in this case would be the knock on the door 18 years down the line, with the difficult question of " you kept the first one but not me. Why?"

This thread should really be a reminder to everybody that as soon as you have some sort of sexual relationship, no matter however careful you think you are, pregnancy is always a very real possibility and you should be ready to deal with it!

ViolaLass

January20 wrote: »

... I believe things happen for a reason.

On the other hand, I think things just happen and it's up to us how we cope/deal with them i.e. I don't think the OP is predestined to keep this baby or abort it or put it up for adoption.

OP, I note in an earlier post, that you said that your girlfriend would struggle as a childminder with 2 babies and then two older children. If she thinks she will struggle with that, how was she planning to cope as a childminder in the first place?