Partner is pregnant - HELP!

brians_daughter

firstly..breath! secondly, shes pregnant not dying... easy for me to say sat here at home i know!

My story is simular. ds1 was planned, ds2 was a suprise when ds1 was 9 months old. dd - god knows how she happened. We werent actually together,AND i was still on the implant as it lasts so long.. but a drunken mutual friends wedding 'brought us together' so to speak.

I now have a 3 yo, a 2yo and a 5 week old baby - whilst still seperated from their dad. I work practically ft -well, 28 hours, and i am on mat leave at the moment and i study ft for a degree!

Yes, its hectic...yes, i have the 'oh my god' moments. Infact, i considered,and booked a termination but in the end i couldnt do it.

My life is a cycle of nappies, sick and washing up to my elbows wiith the night time being for studying and i am sure i have aged 10 years in the past 18 months! BUT, you know what, i wouldnt change it for the world...cant wait to go back to work for a rest lol.

Anyway, the best you can do is listen to her, put her emotions 1st - i know when i got preg so quickly my 1st thought was labour all over again and the thought of how i would cope and spread myself so thinly! But you will make it work if you want to. Babies dont need a lot - esp with a lo so young...just love, warmth and food

Good luck with it all, at least you have each other x

gratefulforhelp_2

pigpen wrote: »

It is very effective for most women but you have to be exclusively breastfeeding more often than 6 hourly and the baby under 6 months..

And i think genuinely on demand, which we rarely ever do in this culture.

Good luck, OP.

Nicki

pigpen wrote: »

It is very effective for most women but you have to be exclusively breastfeeding more often than 6 hourly and the baby under 6 months.. I never had AF until my older ones were over a year old.. based on that experience I didn't think there was such a huge rush to prevent pregnancy this time.. Do you believe 1 statistic or your own experience of 8 previous children? Most people would trust their experience.. though I requested contraception in december and the GP refused!!! After this one measures will be taken.. I think I might just be getting long in the tooth and the hormones being flung about wildly lol

I was told after having my last one that it was every 2 hours you needed to be feeding day and night for breastfeeding to work.

I fell pregnant when DS1 was 4 months old, not weaned, exclusively breastfed, and I had not restarted my periods, and had significant fertility problems diagnosed before and after that pregnancy! She's 10 now

This time round though we use a mirena and I sincerely hope I don't wake up some morning to find it on the sheet beside me :eek: like others I was told it was almost as effective as a sterilization.

ViolaLass

Before this thread gets completely hysterical, I'd like to say that I've had an IUD for 2.5 years with no issues, several sites state that it can be 99% effective and "As much as 7% of all IUDs will be expelled by a woman's body within the first year, mainly within the first few months." 7% is important and worth noting but at the same time, it means chances are you'll be fine, especially if you check yourself.

Bambywamby

Don't panic! Give it a few days. Then sit and talk...then talk some more. Look at the pros and cons of everything. As long as you don't rush into a decision, whatever decision you make will turn out for the best. x x

dean_wales

Firstly thank you for all the replies, some of which have really made me think. Especially the ones regarding tax credits, termination and "it will be OK" etc. Well....all except the rant from that advert guy..:silenced:!

Its a complicated and difficult time for us. We have both spent the last couple of days arguing, crying or trying to ignore it and not argue infront of the little one.

The problem is that life has been difficult for us in recent years anyway and we are both struggling to cope with those issues. We live a long way from her family (for various reasons following a family breakup) but she has been struggling with the lack of emotional and day to day support here since we had our little one. My parents have helped when they can and she has made some friends but its early days as we have only been here just over a year. My parents are about an hour away and farmers so cant help out all that much.

I worked out the odds to torture myself. The coil is 98% effective and breastfeeding allegedly offers 60% or so effectiveness (not that we were relying on it!) so I make that about a 0.8% risk of pregnancy. Combine that with the fact that we have only had sex a handfull of times since the little one arrived and you can't help but feel a sense of dispair. It just been one of those years.

The way I see it we have two options, neither of which are good to be honest .

Option a) Assuming the pregnancy is viable (non-ectopic and non-miscaried) we continue with it. This will nearly certainly mean we will have to move accross country and back in with her family (in a small flat) for support for her and the sums just wouldnt add up here. We have tried and failed to live there before though, and that was without two kids. I just hated the lack of personal space. Staying living here would mean extreme financial pressure from her not being able to work as a self employed childminder (she is just awaiting final registration documents). On top of that I dont know if she thinks she could cope with havingt wo children so young running around! If we did move again, I can imagine that our relationship would be under serious strain as I find her family hard work and dont want to pack in another job to move again and start at the bottom of the ladder mid recession.

Option b) Decide on a termination. On the face of it this would seem a better option but it isnt quite so simple. I have always known that my partner deeply deeply disagrees with abortions on just about all fronts. This is partially why we have been so careful and why we didnt want to be in this position. I would genuinely worry about her emotional well being if she went through with one, especially is she is further along than we realise. I have been giving it some thought and also find the whole idea quite distressing. If we could get over it and move on it would be for the best but I am not sure we can.

Its not helping that I am working a six day week now to keep up from falling into debt and the weekend means that we will have this hanging over us for a while while we wait for an early scan appointment and second GP appointment. I dont think either of us will be able to look at the scan in case we decide not to proceed.

I genuinely dont know what we are going to do. It saddens me that this isnt a happy occasion as so many people would kill to get pregnant. I feel like I am being ungrateful.

Although, if the scan shows that she is further along than we think the choice may have all but been taken away. Likewise if the small amount of bleeding she had a few days ago was a miscarriage that would also take the decision away. Again two unenviable situations to be in.

Thanks,

Dean.

sueeve

People 'get over' or not abortions in a huge variety of ways, but to be honest if she is so unconditionally opposed to the idea I think that she would feel guilt which would not ease, and that would be a huge threat to your relationship.
Secondly don't forget that until 40 years ago(ish) that wouldn't have been an option, and you would have survived, with or without family support.
Start wih the doctor and then move on .

Torry_Quine

sueeve wrote: »

People 'get over' or not abortions in a huge variety of ways, but to be honest if she is so unconditionally opposed to the idea I think that she would feel guilt which would not ease, and that would be a huge threat to your relationship.
Secondly don't forget that until 40 years ago(ish) that wouldn't have been an option, and you would have survived, with or without family support.
Start wih the doctor and then move on .

Those are good points well made.

Life has a habit of not conforming to our plans and sometimes we just have to go with the flow so to speak. I wish you well in your decision.

January20

dean_wales wrote: »

Firstly thank you for all the replies, some of which have really made me think. Especially the ones regarding tax credits, termination and "it will be OK" etc. Well....all except the rant from that advert guy..:silenced:!

Its a complicated and difficult time for us. We have both spent the last couple of days arguing, crying or trying to ignore it and not argue infront of the little one.

The problem is that life has been difficult for us in recent years anyway and we are both struggling to cope with those issues. We live a long way from her family (for various reasons following a family breakup) but she has been struggling with the lack of emotional and day to day support here since we had our little one. My parents have helped when they can and she has made some friends but its early days as we have only been here just over a year. My parents are about an hour away and farmers so cant help out all that much.

Sounds like perhaps you could do with some counselling to deal with these issues and explore the best way to resolve them.

dean_wales wrote: »

I worked out the odds to torture myself. The coil is 98% effective and breastfeeding allegedly offers 60% or so effectiveness (not that we were relying on it!) so I make that about a 0.8% risk of pregnancy. Combine that with the fact that we have only had sex a handfull of times since the little one arrived and you can't help but feel a sense of dispair. It just been one of those years.

The way I see it we have two options, neither of which are good to be honest .

Option a) Assuming the pregnancy is viable (non-ectopic and non-miscaried) we continue with it. This will nearly certainly mean we will have to move accross country and back in with her family (in a small flat) for support for her and the sums just wouldnt add up here. We have tried and failed to live there before though, and that was without two kids. I just hated the lack of personal space. Staying living here would mean extreme financial pressure from her not being able to work as a self employed childminder (she is just awaiting final registration documents). On top of that I dont know if she thinks she could cope with havingt wo children so young running around! If we did move again, I can imagine that our relationship would be under serious strain as I find her family hard work and dont want to pack in another job to move again and start at the bottom of the ladder mid recession.

It doesn't sound like moving back with her family would be the best think for you to do as a couple. Living in a small flat with people you don't care about. And how sure would you be that you could find a job, never mind just start at the bottom again?

Also, and I don't mean to be mean, but if she is planning to be a childminder she'd better get used to looking after more than one young child at a time, shouldn't she?

Again, not trying to be mean, but perhaps she needs to get her head round the fact these children are hers and her responsibility. Lots of single parents cope solely on their own. For many reasons, a lot of parents do not get support from relatives!

dean_wales wrote: »

Option b) Decide on a termination. On the face of it this would seem a better option but it isnt quite so simple. I have always known that my partner deeply deeply disagrees with abortions on just about all fronts. This is partially why we have been so careful and why we didnt want to be in this position. I would genuinely worry about her emotional well being if she went through with one, especially is she is further along than we realise. I have been giving it some thought and also find the whole idea quite distressing. If we could get over it and move on it would be for the best but I am not sure we can.

Reading this above, I am sure that even if she agreed to a termination, she would always blame you for it and may never forgive you, so you could lose her and your existing child.

dean_wales wrote: »

Its not helping that I am working a six day week now to keep up from falling into debt and the weekend means that we will have this hanging over us for a while while we wait for an early scan appointment and second GP appointment. I dont think either of us will be able to look at the scan in case we decide not to proceed.

I genuinely dont know what we are going to do. It saddens me that this isnt a happy occasion as so many people would kill to get pregnant. I feel like I am being ungrateful.

Although, if the scan shows that she is further along than we think the choice may have all but been taken away. Likewise if the small amount of bleeding she had a few days ago was a miscarriage that would also take the decision away. Again two unenviable situations to be in.

Thanks,

Dean.

It sounds like you both need some time to get your heads round what is happening. Proper chats with medical professional might help you a little along the way.

Scrapaholic

I wasn't in your position re the coil, but my children were born 13 months apart . We didn't know how we'd cope . It was difficult at times but I wouldn't have changed it . I wish you all the best for the future .