ex and holidays

joeblack066

You will never know whether your ex is being deliberately manipulative or whether he genuinely wants to give your DS the experience of a lifetime. Regardless of this, you have to make a decision based on what is best for your child. And believe me, I know how much that hurts sometimes. I had 3 children with my 1st exH and he was very manipulative where money based things were concerned - it nearly killed me when he took them to Florida, Spain, etc, and it always affected my plans, but I decided that much as tho I wish I was taking them, I had to let them g. My pain was always kept away from my sons, and they would have a great time. Now that they are grown, they appreciate the fact that I never stopped them doing any of the stuff with their Dad, they know now how hard it must have been, and tbh they all say that their best hol was a week in a caravan skint with me lol!! My sons are well adjusted and I believe that I minimised the emotional distress that could have resulted from their Dad's behaviour, and helped to preserve their relationship with him. Think carefully about the long as well as short term effects of this.

annibee

mrsspendalot wrote: »

... and what then if the child decides they want to spend every Christmas with Mum? Would the OP be right to say to Dad that child doesn't want to go at Christmas anymore as they have chosen to stay home with Mum? Would Dad accept this, no I doubt it.

My children are much younger, but they still from time to time if given a choice would rather stay at home with me on a given weekend than go to their dads. I have to turn to them and say that they have to go to dads as it is his weekend to have them. If I turned to my ex and said 'sorry, the kids would rather stay with me this weekend' he would have me in court quicker than that and I would be accused of preventing contact.

I appreciate that as kids get older their feelings should be taken into account, but I just feel that if arrangements have been made through court/solicitors/mediation or whatever that they should be stuck to. If they no longer suit the circumstances of the child/parents, then go back and renegotiate.

God I had to go to my dads when I didnt want to and regretted it every time....I appreciate that my mum was doing what you were and trying to do the right thing but I wish id not gone as I wasnt happy and always had a miserable time.......... maybe because of my experiences I would never send my son somewhere he didnt want to go. His dad is aware of this and its up to him to make ds's time with him enjoyable so he does choose to go.
Also your ex could take it to court and wouldn't actually get far.

To the op - you've already compromised on the extra weeks at summer so id leave it at this he's probably seeing how far he can get. I wouldn't want you to keep compromising and ending up put out yourself.

Malaysia could be a lovely holiday but not if he doesn't want to go which seems to be the point missed by some people.......oh id love a holiday to Malaysia so of course a 13 yo would too....not always the case i'm afraid. Obviously he's decided he does want to go but I definitely think some people think that its a case of if I would love it so would a kid/teen.

If its your Christmas its your Christmas end of. You are the resident parent so you can decide contact any court will agree to that too. I know its difficult but your doing a really good job.

Also I'm not keen on the person who suggested you all go away without him - what a daft suggestion that'll only make him pushed out and sad that you would go on a "family" holiday without him.


You seem very sensible and trying to do the best so don't doubt yourself....whatever you decide will be right you know your son much better than anyone else. x

shellsuit

rachbc wrote: »

Hi all thanks for the comments - it really helped me decided what to do.

I spoke to son about it last night (It turned out his dad had already told him about the malaysia trip :mad:) and said that OH and I undertsood that these were great opportunities but that we thought 2 long holidays away were too much and that he could choose to go on one or the other. Understandably he choose malaysia - it turns out his Step Mum's family have moved there so he is keen to see his cousins who he hasn't seen for a long time.

He did say he would bring us all back a good pressies :A and asked if we would celebrate Christmas before he went or when he gets back!

Ahh well one day we will get our family christmas just the 4 of us (dd 5 this year and not had one yet lol) - and we might take this as a chance to go away and not have to worry about getting back for boxing day!

Ahh, glad you got it all sorted, just make sure that you get the family holiday you want next year

digitalphase

At first I was under the impression this was a young child, finally it comes out that the child is in fact a teenager.
I think they should be able to choose where they go at that age TBH.

It is pushing it a bit of your ex to want to take him on two holidays and have him for such a chunk of the year, but if the boy wants to go and you stop him, he'd only resent you. Think it a bit naughty of the ex to tell your son about the holiday before asking you, as you'd already agreed to the extra time over summer. However what's done is done, and your son has decided he wants to go to Malaysia, so I hope he'll have a great time. You can have your family holiday in the summer now.

Your ex is very fortunate to be able to afford to take his family away for two long holidays a year... I'd be ecstatic with one shortish one :rotfl:

Fang_3

digitalphase wrote: »

At first I was under the impression this was a young child, finally it comes out that the child is in fact a teenager.
I think they should be able to choose where they go at that age TBH.

It is pushing it a bit of your ex to want to take him on two holidays and have him for such a chunk of the year, but if the boy wants to go and you stop him, he'd only resent you. Think it a bit naughty of the ex to tell your son about the holiday before asking you, as you'd already agreed to the extra time over summer. However what's done is done, and your son has decided he wants to go to Malaysia, so I hope he'll have a great time. You can have your family holiday in the summer now.

Your ex is very fortunate to be able to afford to take his family away for two long holidays a year... I'd be ecstatic with one shortish one :rotfl:

Or maybe he just works hard in order to achieve such a lifestyle?

OP - Given that there's a family connection in Malaysia, is it really fair on you to then make your son give up his summer holiday with his father? You're effectively making him choose between a long summer holiday experience with his dad, and seeing his cousins at Christmas.

rachbc

No not fortunate - married to a Dr! She works very hard, he less so!

In fairness they are step cousins who have only been in his life the 4 years his dad has been in new relationship and who previosuly lived in Australia - so not exactly my fault he hasn't seen them in a couple of years!

Fang_3

rachbc wrote: »

No not fortunate - married to a Dr! She works very hard, he less so!

In fairness they are step cousins who have only been in his life the 4 years his dad has been in new relationship and who previosuly lived in Australia - so not exactly my fault he hasn't seen them in a couple of years!

I didn't say it was your fault. But your bitterness is coming across loud and clear. I just worry that your son will notice it too.

Sublime_2

I'd love my childresn father too have them for a few weeks, as would love a break myself. If he wants to have him, why not? If its inconvenient, just let him have him for the summer break.

pelirocco

thatgirlsam wrote: »

I don't think the child should be put in the position of 'choosing' between parents

I do think it would be an amazing holiday and he would a fantastic experience

Personally I couldn't deny my children the chance of going somewhere so fantastic at xmas, as much as it would break my heart not to be with them

Maybe its because its very unlikely I could provide them with the same sort of holiday myself

Its a minefield, thats for sure!

He's only 4 , not really an age to appreciate an experience , a beach/ pool is much the same where ever you are

Broken_hearted

A child of 13 knows if they want to go or not and trust me if he doesn't want to go and is forced the father will know about it. Teenagers are not know for their subtle co-operation.