ex and holidays

lisaloo1977

Have to agree, at thirteen i would be asking what he would like to do.

mrsspendalot

... and what then if the child decides they want to spend every Christmas with Mum? Would the OP be right to say to Dad that child doesn't want to go at Christmas anymore as they have chosen to stay home with Mum? Would Dad accept this, no I doubt it.

My children are much younger, but they still from time to time if given a choice would rather stay at home with me on a given weekend than go to their dads. I have to turn to them and say that they have to go to dads as it is his weekend to have them. If I turned to my ex and said 'sorry, the kids would rather stay with me this weekend' he would have me in court quicker than that and I would be accused of preventing contact.

I appreciate that as kids get older their feelings should be taken into account, but I just feel that if arrangements have been made through court/solicitors/mediation or whatever that they should be stuck to. If they no longer suit the circumstances of the child/parents, then go back and renegotiate.

rachbc

I will ask him but would still rather he hadnT been put in a position of having to choose and getting upset like he did last time

little_miss_muppet_face

Well if your son cant make up his mind without fear of hurting the other parent, then you as his mother needs to make the decisiion for him and as you have an agreement in place then i would probably stick to the agreement and not allow him to go.. as you say malaysia will still be there next year...

Mupette

Let the child decide

as parents we spend years going without so child can..

your son will have if he wants to go, memories of holidays, that perhaps you can't afford?

Becles

Just a view from another side: you should be grateful that the father wants to spend so much time with his son.

My ex has never had the boys for Christmas as he prefers getting drunk on Christmas day which he can't do if he has them. He doesn't keep in touch by phone/email etc., and he only sees them three times a year when he takes them out for a meal for a couple of hours (just after Christmas, around Fathers Day and his birthday as he expects gifts!)

The boys would love a closer relationship and to see him more, but he's chosen not to do that and there's nothing we can do about it

Mupette

The promises of holidays and trips out i have been told for DS, nothing, it's been down to me to supply the holidays where i can.

Although i am grateful to my parents they take DS when they can, he is lucky without his grandparents there would be no holiday this year.

Last year he did french exchange so got to go to france for a fortnight.

clearingout

out of interest, is there any particular for your ex going to Malaysia? family connections? is there any particular reason for him choosing Malaysia at Xmas? Is there any reason why it has to be this Xmas and couldn't be next Xmas?

I am divorced and I would agree, you've been flexible over the summer arrangements and your son shouldn't be expected to have to choose between Xmas with mum or Xmas in Malaysia. He is old enough to make his own decision, perhaps, but it's one hell of a decision to have to make and in this case, making it for him is appropriate. If he hadn't had a decent summer holiday, then I might see it a bit differently.

renegade

I honestly believe your ex is being very manipulative here putting your son in this position, especially with Malaysia being the destination-what 13 yr old would say No!
This disruption could have a knock on effect with your other children too especially as they are close.
I would talk to your son about it, explain to him however that the final decision is yours.
You have been flexible in changing the original agreement to suit him, if he continues in this vein, where will it end, this will not be a 'one off'.
I would say No as it would cause so much upset to the other children, you are the main carer and the backlash would fall on you to sort out.

rachbc

Hi all thanks for the comments - it really helped me decided what to do.

I spoke to son about it last night (It turned out his dad had already told him about the malaysia trip :mad:) and said that OH and I undertsood that these were great opportunities but that we thought 2 long holidays away were too much and that he could choose to go on one or the other. Understandably he choose malaysia - it turns out his Step Mum's family have moved there so he is keen to see his cousins who he hasn't seen for a long time.

He did say he would bring us all back a good pressies :A and asked if we would celebrate Christmas before he went or when he gets back!

Ahh well one day we will get our family christmas just the 4 of us (dd 5 this year and not had one yet lol) - and we might take this as a chance to go away and not have to worry about getting back for boxing day!