ex and holidays

rachbc

thatgirlsam wrote: »

It depends how old he is .. but I am really wary of presenting these kind of choices to children as he will inevitably feel he is letting one parent down and I don't think thats right or fair on a kid

exaclty - which is why I feel my ex should stick to what we discussed and agreed originally - as it is he is now not ds gets upset at having to choose or misses out and I am the bad guy if I say no, or I tell ds he's going to malaysia for christmas, away on holiday for 4.5 weeks and look like I don't want him with me!! i can't win - and more importantly neither does ds - he looses out on a family holiday and a family christmas, or 2 holidays with his dad. Whereas if his dad had stuck to the original agreement and arranged his holidays accordingly he could have had all 4!

2springers

thatgirlsam wrote: »

I agree its mature to come to these arrangments but I think its childish to be inflexible and argue over 'turns'

I don't think agreeing to the extended time over the summer was being inflexible. She's been very flexible but doesn't want to lose all of the school holiday time with her son in one year (and his chance to have a holiday with that part of his family) and to have him over Christmas more than once every three years.

thatgirlsam

rachbc wrote: »

exaclty - which is why I feel my ex should stick to what we discussed and agreed originally - as it is he is now not ds gets upset at having to choose or misses out and I am the bad guy if I say no, or I tell ds he's going to malaysia for christmas, away on holiday for 4.5 weeks and look like I don't want him with me!! i can't win - and more importantly neither does ds - he looses out on a family holiday and a family christmas, or 2 holidays with his dad. Whereas if his dad had stuck to the original agreement and arranged his holidays accordingly he could have had all 4!

Yes I think you are in a difficult situation, which is not your fault at all

How old is he?

Is he old enough to have a discussion about the possibilities? If it was my dd I would talk to her about it as I think she is mature enough to understand the situation

If it were my ds who is 5 I don't think he would be able to understand iyswim

I'm not sure someone would be willing to spend all that money on such a trip to spite the other parent though but you know your ex better than me

escortg3

When i split from my ex i never put the children in a position of making choices. I told them they would have Christmas dinner with dad and Xmas tea and night with me. Thats what we did and still do every year even thou the kids are older now.

My son told me now he is an adult that he liked not having to choose.

If there dad said he wanted the children for a few weeks in the summer i would tell the kids you are going to your dads for said time.

Also i think we have to be carefull that we are not trying to punish the ex and score points. The children must always come first.

How old is your Son

Newly_retired

Whether your son should get to choose depends very much on how old he is.
But there were no doubt good reasons for going to mediation over contact time, and in the main I think the decisions made should be adhered to.
You have been flexible over the summer opportunity so I think your ex is wrong to expect a second extended holiday in the same year.
I think it is better if an agreement is reached between adults, rather than allow the child to choose as it puts him in a very difficult position, unless the choice is for either the summer or the winter long holiday.

pinkshoes

I know it's YOUR turn, but what does your DS want to do? If he wants to go, then let him, as it'll be an experience of a lifetime. In return, negotiate that you then get him ALL next Christmas so you can go away.

Also, you could have Christmas with DS when he gets back, so your DD gets two Christmases, and you can then buy their presents in the january sale, so they can have twice as much!

I think it would be petty to stop him going at Christmas, just because it's your turn. Your DS may resent you one day for denying him the opportunity to experience another country... Just negotiate rather than be petty. Or be happy that your DS has a wonderful dad who wants to take him away to experience other cultures.

mrsspendalot

I would say no, as it is your turn for Christmas this year. Otherwise, you will have this year after year after year. The whole point of going through mediation and legal proceedings to decide on contact for children is to avoid arguments and conflict, and to lay down precise details so that everyone, including children, know where they stand.

thatgirlsam

Tbh whatever you decide will probably be wrong

'you stopped me from going to malaysia with dad'

'you packed me off to malaysia with dad when I wanted to be at home'

They should just stamp the word 'Guilty' on every mother leaving delivery suite!

floss2

OP, how old is your son? Personally I would ask him to help you & his dad make the decision. Do you & his dad speak at all (I only ask because my ex won't) as that may be an opportunity to have a grown-up, mature discussion about this, with your son present. You can all express your wishes, and the reasons why, and then try to come to a compromise.

My 2 sons' holidays & occasions were "shared out", unless either their dad or I had a good reason to vary the arrangements, in which case things were swapped over.

shellsuit

The child is 13 or almost 13 (just read it on another thread), unless the OP has more than one son.

I think that age is more than old enough to make his own choice.