Do I have SIL's child? **AN UPDATE**

Zoetoes

I'm concerned as to why the kids are being removed in the first place. They weren't being ill treated, were they clean, clothed and fed? If the only reason is that there are 5 of them with this disorder and too much for the parents to cope with, why didn't SS just get them some help?

If there is good reason for them to have been removed from the family home then no, I don't think you should take the baby OP. You know it's not right but feel guilty, and it shouldn't have been put on you.

You say your mum seems disappointed that you said no, is she not able to take the baby in? It's her son that is the parent of this baby, it is not your responsibilty.

Also, if the baby has this disorder and needs extra care, this will impact on your daughter.

If you say no, the baby won't get dumped, it will go to a loving home, you are not being selfish.

p_joker

don't let her put pressure on you, that's what it sounds like she is doing. If you have any doubts about looking after this child you must say no, I agree with another poster let someone who really wants a child look after this baby, there are lots of people out there who would gladly take them on and could offer the support they need if they are disabled. I couldn't do it I know I couldn't, also something like this could put a huge strain on your marriage. If its how you feel say I'm very sorry family or not its just not something I can not do, she's had her chance and to have all her kids taken she must be a poor excuse for a mother.

RacyRed

Mimi, your dilemma has really been on my mind the last couple of days. What an awful decision to have to make.

I was thinking about why you feel pressured by your family. Maybe they are thinking that as you have said you want another child, and here is a child in need of a home, so the solution is obvious.

But it isn't. It is very, very unfair on you, your OH, your DD and the child. For you to adopt the child is the easy and convenient solution but that doesn't make it the right one.

A more difficult solution, but to my mind, the fairest solution would be for the pressure to be moved from you back to where it belongs, on your brother. HE is the child's biological father. He is the one who should be moving heaven and earth to keep his children. He is the one the family should be talking to about the implications of the removal order, how it impacts on him, what he would have to do to be allowed to keep and raise his son and what the extended family could do to help him achieve that. He is the one who decided to have 2 children with your SIL and he must face his responsibilities, not palm them off on his sister.

If your brother cannot make these commitments then it is his responsibility if his baby is put forward for adoption, not yours. It never was yours. Don't let your family make it yours. You have a family of your own and you must do what is best for them. Your brother must take responsibility for his own family.

If you can release yourself from family pressure then maybe the answer to your question will be obvious to you.

Mimi you sound like a very warm, sensible and caring person, your posts suggest to me that your instincts are telling you what your decision should be. Listen honestly to them.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Well, SIL still hasnt been to mine but has been to mums. I'm guessing she isnt coming but will be prepared just in case. Thank you for all the replies, It has helped - Before I thought I was some hard nosed cow for initially saying "no" (esp after conversation with my friend) but im actuallyn feeling better about the decision and know i'm not doing this for anyy other reason/person than the child. So Thank you.

Only thing now is to tell SIL if she pipes up AND to top that off Tax credits have screwed me over Sat at work in tears today sos came home at lunch (thank god my boss is understanding!) They say i've been overpaid - but they have my earnings as £28,900 when i actually earn £8000 so they owe me but until they re-evaluate things they've put a hold on all payments which we was stupidly relying on

Zoetoes

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Well, SIL still hasnt been to mine but has been to mums. I'm guessing she isnt coming but will be prepared just in case. Thank you for all the replies, It has helped - Before I thought I was some hard nosed cow for initially saying "no" (esp after conversation with my friend) but im actuallyn feeling better about the decision and know i'm not doing this for anyy other reason/person than the child. So Thank you.

Only thing now is to tell SIL if she pipes up AND to top that off Tax credits have screwed me over Sat at work in tears today sos came home at lunch (thank god my boss is understanding!) They say i've been overpaid - but they have my earnings as £28,900 when i actually earn £8000 so they owe me but until they re-evaluate things they've put a hold on all payments which we was stupidly relying on

Try not to let everything get on top of you, you know you're doing the right thing. And the tax credits don't take that long to sort out.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

lol it seems ages when your needing them though!

All because of a stupid admin error their end!

Would be nice to be on £28,900 for 16 hours a week! oo think of the handbags I could buy . . . . . . or evenb better - the pushchair if me and OH fall pregnant soon

onlyroz

In circumstances like this you need to go with your gut instinct. Asking for outside opinions is helpful, but only you can decide what is best for you and your family.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

This unfortunate child would, in your own words, never be your own child and you could never be their mum.

If the baby were to be adopted, they would have a real Mummy for the first time. And forever.

So by taking the baby, especially when you are feeling guilty for not really wanting to rather than desperately wanting to do it, you would inadvertantly be depriving the baby of a real Mum. And subjecting her to regular harassment from someone deemed unfit to have any of her children to the extent that the siblings are scattered far and wide, with the underlying insecurity that gives.


Used to live near a woman who took her grandchildren in. Her son and the children's mother were addicts, the son never called or visited, the mum would come knocking when she wanted money on the pretext of seeing the children that were removed due to neglect and abuse - trouble was, she would come knocking at 4am, screaming the place down and demanding the child benefit as it was 'hers' for giving birth.

Not a nice thing for them to be woken by. Not nice for the mum, either, but I am sure the children suffered far more than anyone else.

KiKi

I'm another 'no'. I would have a very strong pull...but I would only do it on the condition that SIL has no contact, and that puts you in an impossible position. I *am* hard-nosed, so I'd have no problems banning SIL and sodding the rest of the family, but you sound much nicer than me.

As for the comment above about SIL being a 'tramp': I agree that for her children to be taken from birth means that there's some serious problem. But remember this: she was known to SS herself when she was young; SS didn't consider her family loving or caring enough to care for the kids so she probably suffered the same fate when she was young; she has some learning difficulties and mental disability; there are obviously men happy to sleep with her and then leave; she doesn't know / understand / use contraception; her children have been removed on the basis that they don't think she can cope with their disabilities, and yet she still goes on.

And she's nineteen years old. Five kids, and nineteen years old. No-one - no adult - stepped in and stopped this happening.

She sounds like someone who's had very little love, care, structure or role-models in her life, and very, very little support. That's not to say removing the kids isn't the right thing, but that doesn't make her a 'tramp'.

I wish you all the best, OP - I think saying no is the right thing for you.

KiKi

Money_maker

But if I'm reading this right, all credit to the 3 fathers who have taken on their children thus saving them from this sort of future.

Hope you're bearing up ok, OP