Do I have SIL's child? **AN UPDATE**

fawd1

I haven't read the entire thread so I can't say for sure, but from what I have read, no one seems to be saying that you should take the child, which I just find bizarre. I can fully fully understand your reservations, and I understand that there could be a myriad of problems along the way, but I still feel that these could all be overcome. In regards to the financial situation, if you are fostering and not adopting this child, then you will be very well supported financially (much more so than if you were looking after your own child, quite rightly) which means that in terms of the finance you probably could still afford to have your own child. So financially, you have the freedom to do either. Now, and here comes the slightly harsh part, I'm not sure that morally I would feel that I had any other choice. That child, who is an innocent baby in this whole mess, needs a home. His parents, for whatever reason (I'm aware of ss and MH issues) can't provide that for him. If you are the only other person that can, then I think that morally you have no real choice. Let me put it to you this way, we all know what happens to children in care, they get ferried around from pillar to post, until they're old enough to be turfed out. Try to imagine how you would feel if for some reason (god forbid) you were suddenly unfit to look after your child. Would you want her to be looked after by people you knew and trusted where they had a chance at long term stability and would be with someone who would be a permanent presence in their life, or taken into care? Forget about your SIL, forget about your brother, mother etc etc. Think about what a great home and upbringing you could give this child. And whether they call you mummy, auntie or puppy makes no difference. Every child knows who they run to in times of need. My 2 year old always refers to me by my christian name, despite me doing everything in my power to stop him. So what, he may call me anything, but it's me he wants if he wakes in the night, me he wants if he scrapes his knee and me he wants a good night kiss from.

jellyhead

You're missing the OP's health problems though

She doesn't feel able to look after 3 children and she wants a child with her other half, who is not the biological father of her daughter.

It's not as simple as it would be if it were somebody without health problem - she has said that taking in this baby means they can't try for one of their own.

jellyhead

Also, this is a small baby - how likely is it that the child will be passed around the care system? There will be people queueing up to adopt, surely? Even taking the genetic problem (what is it, by the way?) into account.

jellyhead

The thread is about 'SIL's child' - not my brother's child, not 'my niece'.

I think the reason people are saying "Don't do it" is because the OP doesn't seem to WANT to do it, and is feeling like she SHOULD, which is a bad idea.

Also, if I were the OP I'd be pretty annoyed that my family expected me to just drop any chance of the man I love having his own child with me, and simply expected him to raise 2 children who are not his. He is prepared to do it, yes, but he shouldn't have to. OP's family should be more considerate of her situation and her family unit. She wants to have a baby with her partner and create their own little family. Her partner is important to her and her daughter, and this should be respected by her family!

RacyRed

fawd1 wrote: »

I haven't read the entire thread so I can't say for sure, but from what I have read, no one seems to be saying that you should take the child, which I just find bizarre.

Well try reading the entire thread and then you may be able to make a properly informed comment. :mad:

This is a newborn baby, there are many adoptive parents available for newborns, so stop with the "being passed from pillar to post" heavy pressure stuff, it doesn't apply. The potential problems for the OP in this situation are massive, the last thng she needs is heavy handed emotional pressure from someone who hasn't even bothered to give the situation some thought.

And as for moral obligations? What a load of rubbish! The OP is under tremendous pressure and your arguments are inconsidered and hurtful to her. The decision is hers and hers alone at the moment.

Sorry to get heavy with you but this is not the right thread for "quick glimpse, jump to a conclusion and shoot from the hip" type posts. The OP deserves much better than that from us.

meritaten

fawd1 - I think you are missing the point of what most people have said! you have said that you think its the OPs DUTY to take in this baby and that is why most of us said 'DONT do it!' this baby has a chance of being adopted into a loving home with parents who desperately want it! how does that compare with being taken in out of duty? even though I have no doubt that the OP is a nice caring woman who would love the child - the rest of the family would no doubt be constant reminders that they are NOT and never will be mum dad sibling and themselves! its not fair on the child and certainly not on the OP whose first instinctive reaction was to say no. THAT is why I said to OP not to do it! if she had argued the other way - that she was desperate to take the child on but the family disagreed - I would have told her to do it! WHY? because it would mean that she would love that child enough to take on everything which came at her! and THAT is how you should feel about a child!

themull1

i wouldnt take on the child. steer clear of this whole mess and have your own family.

Zoetoes

fawd1 wrote: »

I haven't read the entire thread so I can't say for sure, but from what I have read, no one seems to be saying that you should take the child, which I just find bizarre. I can fully fully understand your reservations, and I understand that there could be a myriad of problems along the way, but I still feel that these could all be overcome. In regards to the financial situation, if you are fostering and not adopting this child, then you will be very well supported financially (much more so than if you were looking after your own child, quite rightly) which means that in terms of the finance you probably could still afford to have your own child. So financially, you have the freedom to do either. Now, and here comes the slightly harsh part, I'm not sure that morally I would feel that I had any other choice. That child, who is an innocent baby in this whole mess, needs a home. His parents, for whatever reason (I'm aware of ss and MH issues) can't provide that for him. If you are the only other person that can, then I think that morally you have no real choice. Let me put it to you this way, we all know what happens to children in care, they get ferried around from pillar to post, until they're old enough to be turfed out. Try to imagine how you would feel if for some reason (god forbid) you were suddenly unfit to look after your child. Would you want her to be looked after by people you knew and trusted where they had a chance at long term stability and would be with someone who would be a permanent presence in their life, or taken into care? Forget about your SIL, forget about your brother, mother etc etc. Think about what a great home and upbringing you could give this child. And whether they call you mummy, auntie or puppy makes no difference. Every child knows who they run to in times of need. My 2 year old always refers to me by my christian name, despite me doing everything in my power to stop him. So what, he may call me anything, but it's me he wants if he wakes in the night, me he wants if he scrapes his knee and me he wants a good night kiss from.

What's wrong with paragraphs? INRAT!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

FAWD1 - If you read the whole of this thread (I know its a bit lengthy now) but you will find many of your comments have already been answered. I wont repeat everything i have already put, and believe me, it has been a tough decision and for the rest of my life this is what i will have to live with, that ultimatley, i let a child go into care or be adopted. I'll not forget the child and always wonder how they are but i'll stand by my decision - if they are happy not knowing me when they are older, thats fine. But if they come looking for me, i'll be here, with answers to any questions they have. The whole point of asking on MSE was so that i got outside input - I tried to give as little information, obviously because this is personal. I think, from the information I've had both in "real" life on the web, I've made the right choice. You may disagree, and thats the beauty of life, every one is different. Like you, had i not been in the situation i'd of instantly said "ill have the child" BUT having now been in this situation its very difficult. Selfish of me, slightly. But I have everyones best interest at heart. The child's very young - under 1 years old. I believe (and hope) that the child will get adopted quickly - i know many people prefer to have babies rather than say - an older child. However - your input is noted, and thank you for the reply.

whitewing

mimi,

I think you have been great to even have to consider making such a tough decision. I would not like to be in your shoes. In some cultures they firmly believe that a pesron makes the best decision that it is possible to make at that particular time, and I think that is the case for you now.

I do wish you all the best for your family too and your little-one-yet-to-come.

Blessings for the little baby. You are right that there will be people out there who will be thrilled at the opportunity to love that child dearly.