Do I have SIL's child? **AN UPDATE**

gizmo111

edgex wrote: »

do you honestly think she should have any access to a child?

if social services have had to remove so many children from HER care, why would you even think of creating a situation that would give her access to one of them?

frankly, that your even considering it, to the point of asking so much about it, is plain stupid!


the childs interests must come first;
not yours, not your moms, not your SIL (who should in fact be completely ignored as she's not worth thinking about)

So a 19 year old girl with mental health issues who has most likely either been through the care system or suffered some form of childhood abuse and at the very least poor parenting ' is not worth thinking about' - :mad: Attitudes like this help create these ongoing situations and cycles - this girl needs help to come to terms with her past and future - however you look at it she has lost 5 children, and whatever she has done or not done she will always be their mother even though she cannot be a full time mum and have them in her care. She very much needs people to 'think about her' she obviously cares for this child and most likely the others as she is trying to keep this one in a place where she will see her grow and be a small part of that. She needs support to help her understand that having a child every year is not the answer to her problems.

Some years ago I took on a case similar where 6 children had been removed she was pregnant and after I removed child no 7 at birth the 25 yr old mother said she will keep on having children until SS let her keep one - I got her some grief counselling and other agencies to do some work with her - she had no 8 but through that pregnancy realised that she had to change and face her demons, having children to fulfil her emotional void was not a solution as each time it caused her more loss and pain - no 8 was removed but she had no more after. 6 yrs on she has a job and seems reasonably settled but she will never get over losing 8 children.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

And so the bribary begins.

Mum came round - "well - we didnt tell you this but if you had the child we'd of signed over our house to you for when we die"

for the record, I have my own house lol

Sent her on her way after telling here a few points you guys had made - adoption would be easier at this age rather than trying to drag it out, it isnt fair on my family etc.

Myy borther had my DD's cot for when his eldest child was born - he unfortunatley never got to use it. I had asked for it back when me and OH started trying, mum said its been trashed now

I wonder what today will bring.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

edgex wrote: »

do you honestly think she should have any access to a child?

if social services have had to remove so many children from HER care, why would you even think of creating a situation that would give her access to one of them?

frankly, that your even considering it, to the point of asking so much about it, is plain stupid!


the childs interests must come first;
not yours, not your moms, not your SIL (who should in fact be completely ignored as she's not worth thinking about)

Sorry - I've just noticed this post.

Firstly - SS HAVENT refused them access, but as she can't look after them fully the access needs to be monitored. The eldest child who is with family will have contact with SIL and Brother. I dont see why, if SS are happy with that arrangement and the courts are that its wrong?

From what I can gather you assume these children have been hurt and that's why they have been removed? That's not the case at all. The other children (not my brothers) was already known to SS because of domestic violence. One of the children has gone back to their fathers family (not the father because he's not allowed the child because of the DV) - because of the past, and because of the genetic disprder and the lack of maturity of my SIL and brother they decided it was best to remove the children - it's a precaution. As mentioned, when the case was first brought to court one of the SS worker's was dismissed for submitted false statements etc. This has inpacted on the case regardless. No - I do not believe they should have the children back because i know they cant cope BUT if their children are with family, and not adopted, then providing there is structure and supervision i dont see why they cannot see the children. my brothers eldest know who their parents are, the baby in question doesnt know.

The reason i'm asking is because i want to make sure I have covered all avenues before its too late. How is that stupid? To go into something blind - yes. But to get as much knowledge before making a decision is a good thing.

I would love to know how you think i'm doing "whats best" for me? At what point have i said "I" want this? I have ALWAYS been thinking about whats best for this child. Whist I could provide the love and care the child needs, there would also be complications. I dont know what will happen if the child goes into care - I'd love for the child to be adopted by a loving family, and never want for nothing, but because i cant be 110% this will happen im in two minds.

Whilst you may think my SIL is worthless, I dont. She just needs some help which has been denied. NO ONE is worthless, regardless what your opinion may be and if you can not add anything constructive then please dont add anything to this thread at all.

sjc3

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

SIL's family are not allowed any of the children - SIL was known by SS as a child and because of what happend SS will not place the kids in her family's care.

How terribly sad. I did wonder if your SIL had been known to SS from being a child. It didn't make sense, till I read what you wrote above, how a 19 year old had had a baby every year or so since she was just 14. No good parents would stand back and see their teenage daughter have so many kids so young.

I am in my early 30s and know I couldn't cope with 5 kids. Would definately not have been able to at 19.

OP my opinion, for what it is worth, is to not take in the baby. I genuinely feel it would be in the childs best interest to be adopted outside the family. Contact with its biological mother would not be in its best interest I feel. I dont say this lightly as being a mum myself I know how special and crucial that relationship is. Fact is though your SIL is not able to be a good mum to this child. It could be very damaging if she maintained even limited contact.

sjc3

edgex wrote: »

do you honestly think she should have any access to a child?

if social services have had to remove so many children from HER care, why would you even think of creating a situation that would give her access to one of them?

frankly, that your even considering it, to the point of asking so much about it, is plain stupid!


the childs interests must come first;
not yours, not your moms, not your SIL (who should in fact be completely ignored as she's not worth thinking about)

What a ghastly way to treat the OP. This lady is not stupid, just a very caring relative, struggling with her conscience who has come on here for advice and guidance. As for suggesting that a 19 year old girl, who has been seriously let down by her own family, should be ignored and is not worth thinking about. Well words fail me.

OP please ignore this ignorant individual and know that the rest of us respect you greatly.

Gigglepig

Perhaps it would be best for the baby not to have any ties with her biological dad... sorry to say this about your brother OP, but it sounds completely irresponsible of him to go off and have a child with some a mentally disabled(?) young woman who already had 4 babies at a young age and who has had a difficult past. I don't know how old he is, but it sounds pretty iffy. If your brother is "normal" then was he exploiting a vulnerable person by having a relationship with her? If he is just as vulnerable as your SIL, then that's not good either for the baby.

And I agree with the posters above that of none of the people involved are worthless. Though it does sound like they are pretty useless as parent material. I don't envy the OP this family :-(

ascot64

Having read all the posts I think that you must be a very caring person to be even considering this despite your reservations and your husband must be a lovely supportive person to be prepared to forgo having his own child if you really wanted this baby. Maybe it would help to think about what the situation might be in a year or so.

a) You have taken the child, struggled with it's mild disability, had no thanks from your SIL or your mum for what you are doing, feel guilty about the disappointment your husband feels that he doesn't have a child of his own, SS have left you to get on with it or maybe are very intrusive and monitor your every move (I have friends in a similar situation and this has been their experience). You wish you had listened to your gut instinct but are now unable to change anything. You now face 18 years or more of a situation you cannot change

or b) You have taken the child, you and your husband have bonded with it as has your daughter, your mum helps out when she can, SIL respects your decisions and visits are enjoyable for everyone involved, brother makes you feel appreciated for the amazing opportunity you has given his child

or c) you don't take the child, go on to have your own, feel amazing that your have given your husband what he really wanted and build a happy family all together. The baby is adopted by a family that couldn't have one of their own and is flourishing under their care and love

or d) you don't take the child and your mum and brother continually remind you and resent you for it and so you wish you had as they are making your life miserable

Only you know what is likely and what you can live with - personally I think your husband is to be admired for taking on your DD as his own. I would be worried that despite what he says right now he will always wonder what his own would have been like and feel a little disappointed to have been denied that chance. Those feelings can eat away at a marriage over time. You need to put him, your daughter and yourself first in all of this.

RacyRed

ascot64 wrote: »

Having read all the posts I think that you must be a very caring person to be even considering this despite your reservations and your husband must be a lovely supportive person to be prepared to forgo having his own child if you really wanted this baby. Maybe it would help to think about what the situation might be in a year or so.

a) You have taken the child, struggled with it's mild disability, had no thanks from your SIL or your mum for what you are doing, feel guilty about the disappointment your husband feels that he doesn't have a child of his own, SS have left you to get on with it or maybe are very intrusive and monitor your every move (I have friends in a similar situation and this has been their experience). You wish you had listened to your gut instinct but are now unable to change anything. You now face 18 years or more of a situation you cannot change

or b) You have taken the child, you and your husband have bonded with it as has your daughter, your mum helps out when she can, SIL respects your decisions and visits are enjoyable for everyone involved, brother makes you feel appreciated for the amazing opportunity you has given his child

or c) you don't take the child, go on to have your own, feel amazing that your have given your husband what he really wanted and build a happy family all together. The baby is adopted by a family that couldn't have one of their own and is flourishing under their care and love

or d) you don't take the child and your mum and brother continually remind you and resent you for it and so you wish you had as they are making your life miserable

Only you know what is likely and what you can live with - personally I think your husband is to be admired for taking on your DD as his own. I would be worried that despite what he says right now he will always wonder what his own would have been like and feel a little disappointed to have been denied that chance. Those feelings can eat away at a marriage over time. You need to put him, your daughter and yourself first in all of this.

What a really good post! :A

sueeve

Everything is about the baby. not a bad thing. But for you your first responsibility is to your daughter and your husband. I am not clear how old your mother is, but as grandma I'm not joking when I say that she should consider taking on the role herself.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

gigglepig - SIL is just a bit slower/immature for her age, but then i still think she's quite young. She's been tested and she is the carrier for the gentic problem. Brother is a bit daft, he has mild mental problems but nothing major but this is why SS decided the children couldn't stay there - they havent ever hurt the children but because they aren't 'all there' SS worry about the capabilities of supervision of 5 children with the same mental problems i believe even if the children didnt have the genetic problem they wouldnt of been able to keep them. What i dont understand is why they left the children with them so long (the other's were already known to SS) surely they should of stepped in years ago (before SIL had even met my brother and there was only the 3 children) then obviously none of this would of happened. Saying that - they knew SIL when she was very young so they could of actually spared all of this (her family really arent the sort of people you want to be near)

I was talking to mum last night, apprently SIL did query if she could be sterilised but doctros refused to and put her on the pill (?) not sure if this is right.

ascot64 - i honestly think that If i keep the baby, I'll end up falling out with my family and moving away, which isnt what i want. Yes my family are nuts - but whhose family is perfect? My brother is a fantastic uncle, obviously supervised, and my mum is brilliant with my DD so i dont want to break that bond. If i dont take the child, then i think for a while, my brother wont understand my decision and will be upset but eventually he'll get used to it and hopefully, forgive me. I know OH would be upset if we took the baby only for SIL to constantly remind us that the baby isnt ours. To be honest with all this kicking off we havent really been erm . . trying . . . (sorry!) but i hope i'll be able to say to him soon that we're having our own.

sueeve - My dad isnt a well man (and this is all making him worse as he's not really eating or sleeping properly) and he wouldnt be able to cope with a baby 24/7 and i believe he'd rapidly get worse if he was to try. initially they wanted the baby, but it never happened. I'm not 100% but i dont think SS would allow it knowing that my dad is ill and their age (they arent 'old' but they're no spring chickens either)

Brother has been past my house, but hasnt been in - neither has SIL. I did expect them to nip in. I think i might call them and try and clear the air, everything seems to be going through my mum and sometimes it's like chinese whispers with her.