Do I have SIL's child? **AN UPDATE**

ailuro2

Oh this is such a tough question to answer...

without knowing the people involved it's very hard to say. My initial reaction was to let the baby go to someone who will love it AND look after it. You would look after it but with all the hassle involved with SIL it would be harder to bond with the baby. SIL would still love it but has been told she can't look after it. Add a possible condition that means it would need even more care than most little children, and it makes sense for it to go for adoption.

The ramifications of this on your family are devastating, as you're in a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation.

Best Wishes, keep telling yourself that what's best for the child is the most important thing here, it doesn't sound like your SIL has been thinking along those lines, tbh.

January20

sashadesade wrote: »

That's a tough situation, but you already know in your heart of hearts what you want to do. It comes through quite clearly in your posts and you shouldn't be afraid to stand up to your SIL and do what's right for you. You also know that even if you did decide to put your own feelings aside and take the child, it's just a disaster waiting to happen and you'll end up being the bad guy either way.

100% agree with this. Also if you did decide to take this child on, and all the problems you foresee happened, it wouldn't be only you, you oh and your dd who would be suffering, think about how this would affect the child too.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

thank you for the replies.

Few responses. Someone said I should start to bond with the child - I havent visited the child on purpose. I dont want to bond with that child then walk out of their life, It's easier this way (for me - and I know thats selfish)

The reason I'm asking on here is because I wanted some outsiders response. As I have already mentioned, This is something I have already spoken to with friends and family.

SIL never turned up yesterday – I’m going to tell her to stay away whilst I’m not feeling well (Generally not – I’ve got a really horrible cold which I’m giving to all the men at my work through the air con hehe)

I spoke to OH and whilst I feel I SHOULD take the child, as mentioned, I don’t think it’s for the best. Now just got to figure out how to say it to SIL so she backs

elvis86

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Had a chat with OH, he's on the fence. He said he's worried of my reaction if he said "no, I want our own" but he'd stand 110% with me if i chose to have the child.

Your hubby needs to grow a pair and tell you how he feels. It sounds to me like he doesn't really want this, but is scared to tell you for fear of upsetting you/you thinking he's being selfish. Which, whilst it's admirable that he wants to support you, isn't the right way to go about making such a serious long-term decision.

He needs to put his foot down rather than "going with the flow" now and possibly resenting the decision (and maybe even you, for making it) when it's too late.

I think you know deep down that this is a bad (terrible) idea, but are worried about other people's reactions to your decision..? Well, s0d them! Your family, your mum, brother and sister-in-law, s0d the lot of them!

You owe no more to this child than any of them (less, if anything). His parents have failed him, and anyone with a problem needs to vent their anger at them, not you. Again, hubby needs to man up and support you in the face of any criticism. To be honest, I'd find it hard not to end up hating my family if they gave me a hard time over something like this.:mad:

And for god's sake, someone get that little tramp's womb removed.

jellyhead

elvis86 wrote: »

Your hubby needs to grow a pair

I think the opposite. He's being stepdad to her daughter and he says he will accept somebody else's child if it's what the OP wants. He sounds like a really lovely man to me!

He probably doesn't want this baby, especially if it means he won't have one of his own, but he loves the OP enough to want her to be able to take the baby if she really wants to.

To me though, it sounds as if OP doesn't really want the baby, but feels guilty about that and thinks that she should take it.

There's really no need to feel guilt. I know a few people who have adopted babies, each couple adopted 2 or more from the same mum who just keeps having a baby every year - I remember one feeling really awful that she couldn't keep taking every baby the mother had though ... and if your SIL isn't using contraception then you may end up with lots more of her babies ....

Those adopted babies get a great home life with a couple who really want them - they aren't passed around the care system. As somebody else said, could you maybe chat to a social worker and see what the situation is likely to be like for this baby? There may be couples out there who are ready and waiting to give it a home. There are different levels of 'having your child removed by social services' though - sometimes the parents get to appeal and it takes a long time before social services can finally force through an adoption. One of my cousins was 18 months old before the courts finally said she could be adopted, because her parents kept getting chance after chance to sort themselves out.

JoJoB

A good friend of mine was in a similar position and took a family member's child in for a year while mum went into rehab etc. SS asked her to do it rather than him being put in the care system, promised all sorts of help, kinship foster care payments, counselling for the child etc etc - none of which materialised.

Taking the child in meant her own family was very overcrowded (6 people in a 2 bed flat) but council wouldn't move them as they had become intentionally overcrowded. Friend had to fight tooth and nail for kinship foster payments to cover basics like clothes and food, and no extra help came for the child. Ironically if he had gone into the care system his carers would have received adequate funds to feed and clothe him - my friend had to pay for taxis to his school as she had 3 kids going to different schools and couldn't be in 2 places at once. In addition to this were the behavioural problems of the child that all the family had to cope with.

He is back with his mum now after she successfully completed rehab, but a few months down the line SS are getting concerned again. My friend is pregnant with her fourth child and is being asked to consider taking him in again and like you feeling guilty because she's not up to it!

It is usually best to keep a child with family rather than go into care, but in some circumstances i really think the care system could offer a better environment - especially if there might be a disability. There are specially trained foster carers who would care for this child really well, who would receive enough expenses to give the child a good life and who would have resources available to them that as a non-official foster carer you would have to fight for and might be denied.

stormbreaker

Apologies I have not read everyones replies but in my opinion you have said No. If you feel the need to ask on here I think the answer is still No. There are far too many complications and that is before you have even adopted the child,
If the child is adopted by strangers, it is strangers who really WANT the child. I could be wrong but I am sure the new adoption guidelines are that they make every effort for the child to still have some contact with the natural parents.
I appreciate that your OH has said he will stand by any decision YOU make but HE is involved too. Any complications along the road will put pressure on your relationship.
I also think once you adopt the child the SS are not so interested as the child is in a loving home and away form the problem. Sadly their work load is too great to watch over every child who has come into the system or support families involved.
Best of luck whatever you decide!

elvis86

jellyhead wrote: »

I think the opposite. He's being stepdad to her daughter and he says he will accept somebody else's child if it's what the OP wants. He sounds like a really lovely man to me!

He probably doesn't want this baby, especially if it means he won't have one of his own, but he loves the OP enough to want her to be able to take the baby if she really wants to.

I don't think we disagree, I never said that he was anything but a lovely man. But at certain times, being passive and willing to do anything in order to make someone else happy, is not helpful.:cool:

The OP's OH cannot take on this baby just to make her happy, it's not enough. And somewhere down the line (especially considering the current situation where they don't have a biological child together and may be prevented from ever having one by taking in this child), there's every chance that things will sour and her OH will grow resentful at having his chance to have a biological child taken away.

So I stand by my comment, he needs to man up and share how he really feels. From what the OP has said, he doesn't really think they should take in this baby (and I think she agrees), so he needs to back her up and present a united front with her, "this is our decision, it's best for our family, period". I'm sure he means to be supportive rather than disinterested, but sitting there shrugging his shoulders and leaving the burden of a very difficult (and possibly contentious) decision on his wife's shoulders isn't going to help her at all.

jellyhead

Fair point. I really don't know what my husband would do if we were put in this situation. I think he would say no, and put his foot down and allow himself to be the 'bad guy' in terms of what my own family thought of him ... but if I really wanted the baby he'd make the best of it. OP doesn't seem to really want the baby though.

Fang_3

Don't do it. It's the only way that child will be free of its dreadful birth 'parents'.