Do I have SIL's child? **AN UPDATE**

gunsandbanjos

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Am I being naive with the whole care thing? a lot of you seem to think its the worst of the worst?

I have a friend who was adopte at birth and had a wonderful life, he refuses to trace his birth parents.

I'd assume/hope it wouldn be the same for the baby?

My husband was adopted when he was a child, taken off his birth mum as she was quite frankly a dreadful mother by all accounts.

Unfortunately before he was adopted he was fostered and passed from pillar to post. It has had a huge lasting effect on him:(

I also have a friend who was adopted and landed on her feet big time. I believe she was adopted at birth and her adoptive family are wonderful.

Just the luck of the draw i think unfortunately.

I really don't envy your situation, whichever way you go is going to be really hard. I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make.

Margaret52129

Hi - not sure if this will help you in any way, but I have a friend who adopted her GS as her DD was in an relationship but has a mental age of around 10 (she was 28 when she had baby). Child knows it is his Grandma and his mom visits regularly, then DD had another child 3 years later but my friend could not look after this child and so 2nd baby had to be adopted. Father was same for both children and old enough to be DD's father.

Father was under SS/police scrutiny as he had numerous children with numerous women and some of the children were fairly unsavoury characters (petty theft/etc) and it was rumored he only had the children so that he could claim benefits for them and so had no need to work but did not care for them properly!

Anyhow, my friend did not want her 1st GS to be part of that family so was able to get custody of the child and father had accompanied access every fortnight or so.

It has been hard work as my friend is in her 50's, widowed and works full time, but GS is a lovey 10 year old and fortunately has not inherited his mothers 'illness'.

2nd son was taken off mother straight after birth due to being in the same circumstances she was in with 1st son and put up for adaoption, but as adoptions go, they are not able to know by whom, or where they live, or how he is doing. She has a GD through her son which is the same age as 2nd GS so there is a constant reminder that there is a GS of hers out there somewhere, but she is also well aware that he most probably will be better off in the long run than being with her and the problems it may have caused.

As I said, it most probably won't be of any help to you in your circumstances as she was not in the position of wanting any children of her own, but the fact that her daughter often visits (quite traumatic too) and when father was alive, there was often tension in the household when he was hanging around the streets, it has worked out in this case.

You and your OH are the only ones who can make that decision and it will not be an easy one. Good luck and may the decision be the right one for you.

RAS

OP

If this baby is to be adopted, the younger s/he is the better; so that they get the maximum amount of focussed support from the earliest age. I know of another case where the baby was over a year old when they first met the adoptive parents, because repeated attempts were made to place the child within the family. In the end SS decided that this was not an option, but those attempts wasted a whole six months of the child first year. Sadly the foster mum relied quite heavily on TV as an entertainer and it took time for the child to make up this lost time.

The young childs brain is most malleable in the first year and concerted one to one contact now could make a real difference to his/her future.

I cannot advise you what to do but suggest you make your mind up and stick to it.

RacyRed

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Can I point something out because I think it should be.

I'm hesitant to speak to SS because of the things I've seen. The SS worker has lied and falsified reports in court and has been penalised for this within her department by her manager and also by the court (from what I gather shes now been removed from her position) SIL is very young, naive and a bit on the slow side. Whilst they havent beaten or ill treated the children etc, SIL isnt mentally able to look after them. I'm not sure if Bro can have kids if he leaves SIL but i'm guessing he's not allowed to (I've never honestly asked) part of the decision to remove them was because the children have this genetic problem - If they went on to have any more kids and those kids didnt have the genetic problem SS said they would monitor and not remove straight away (although I dont think this would ever happen) I think it was too much to do - SIL is 19 and had 5 kids under 6 with this genetic disorder so that was heavy in this case.

I'm going to speak to OH tonight. I think my initially response to this was right but there's the family tug thats clouding my judgement.

Thanks everyone, you've helped

Sorry, but the emboldend bits have shocked the hell out of me. Assuming that your SIL has and has passed on the genetic disorder, and she was a child herself when the first baby was born yet she went on to have 5 kids by the age of 19?

Where are her own family in all of this? As I understand it your SIL's link with your family is via your brother?

If the genetic disorder cannot be diagnosed until the age of 2, and SIL may be allowed to keep future children if there is no genetic disorder evident, what happens to the babies between birth and 2 years old? Will they also find their way into your care?

GobbledyGook

I would only do it if the child was to be brought up by me as my child in my way. Otherwise it's not fair on anyone.

My best friend at school was brought up by her Aunty. She called her/treated her as her Mum, but she always knew that her Aunty X was a special Aunty as she'd carried her and gave birth to her. As young children we were very matter of fact about this and just thought it made my friend special to have a Mummy and a special Aunty.

In that case an Aunty bringing up a child was completely the best thing for the child, the Aunty had a special bond with her, but completely acceptable that the child's Mum & Dad were the ones who brought her up and who made ALL of the decisions. If Mum & Dad don't have complete control (for the want of a better word) over the child and the decisions surrounding that child then it doesn't work.

In this case I think I'd have to say no. It'd be easier if SS actually said "SIL is not to see the child except at the contact centre" because then the OP would be able to use that to deal with any excessive contact, but it doesn't seem this way.

I'd only get involved if SIL (and brother and your Mum) were in full agreement that this baby was going to be brought up by you and your OH like any other adopted child. If not it's a disaster waiting to happen.

HOWEVER, I know I'd be sorely tempted to do it even though it would destroy my relationship with my SIL, brother and mother because that wee baby has done nothing wrong so I do not envy you OP. Good luck.

jellyhead

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

SIL is 19 and had 5 kids under 6 with this genetic disorder so that was heavy in this case.

If she's only 19 she could have many many more children ... will you take the next one?

Gigglepig

I would consider adopting the baby since it is a family member and personally I'd feel too awful for not looking after it, and get reminded about it every time I looked at my own baby. Is there any way you can get more support so you could have both this baby and try for your own? That would be the solution I'd try to find. Speak to social services, CAB, charities supporting people or families of people with your SIL's condition, charities supporting foster parents and people who adopt. Perhaps there is more support available out there than you think.

From what you are writing about the family, think I'd probably dramatically cut down on contact with them though and only see them a couple of times a year. If a sibling got a baby with a mentally challenged person who already had 5 kids at 19 years old I'd be livid! I am sorry if it is harsh, but I would not want any kids (own, adopted or even strangers) to hang out with and be influenced by people with such poor judgment.

lynzpower

I think there is a lot more to this than meets the eye, there must be a serious safety issue with these parents. Dles your brother have contact with any of these children ( are they his?) If they are his, why is he creating more children that are likely to be taken into care.
Many parents have children with genetic disabilities, they are not taken into care.

If the social worker is falsifynig documents, is this child really coming permanently into the care system.

What representation is your brother doing to keep his baby out of care and with its parents?

Does the girlfreind have learning disabilities? is that what is being driven at? Is your brother able to raise his child himself- without his partner?

Gigglepig

GobbledyGook wrote: »

HOWEVER, I know I'd be sorely tempted to do it even though it would destroy my relationship with my SIL, brother and mother because that wee baby has done nothing wrong so I do not envy you OP. Good luck.

This is exactly how I feel too. The baby needs to come first, before the adults.

It is a hard choice though and only you and your OH can know what works for you.

LittleMrsThrifty

What does your brother think?