Do I have SIL's child? **AN UPDATE**

Nimeth

Mimi, you know yourself better than anyone else and you know where your own limits are. If you feel that you can't cope with having SIL hanging on the bell all week, trying to dictate (as it sounds that's exactly what she'll be trying to do), then there's no shame in that. If you and your OH feel that you want a child of your own, then I don't think either of you are being selfish.

From what you say, your SIL sounds quite controlling and I think it's possible her child would be better off totally away from the family entirely and away from her influence.

I do agree with elvis86, once she's got her foot in the door, it'll be hard to keep her at a distance you're comfortable with.

I wish you all the best, whatever you decide. *hugs*

Nicki

I don't think anyone but you can make this decision and I really don't envy you having to decide something so monumental and permanent in such a short time period.

In your shoes I think I would look at the worst case scenarios in each case, and decide which one I could best live with.

So, of you take the baby, you can't have another of your own, the mum is constantly on your doorstep, the baby is severely disabled, etc. If you don't, then the baby remains in care because his disabilities mean suitable adoptive parents can't be found, contact with the birth family is permanently severed, there is backlash for not taking the baby in, etc

It's unlikely that the absolute worst case scenario would end up happening in either case, but to look at them both concentrates the mind, and hopefully gives you a gut feel for what you want to do. Once you have done this, you could look at how likely each worst case scenario is and see whether that alters your gut feel. Hopefully if you've made the decision whatever it is, with the worst case scenario in mind, if the absolute worst doesn't happen, you'll get some peace of mind about your choice.

It does seem a horribly unfair situation to find yourself in though. I'm not even going to hint at what i think I'd do faced with the same thing, as it really is the kind of decision which only the affected person can make, and with respect to your friend struggling with fertility issues, I don't think she should have said what she said to you at all as it was very unfair

galvanizersbaby

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Am I being naive with the whole care thing? a lot of you seem to think its the worst of the worst?

I have a friend who was adopte at birth and had a wonderful life, he refuses to trace his birth parents.

I'd assume/hope it wouldn be the same for the baby?

I would have assumed/hoped the same as you - that the baby would be adopted by loving parents - perhaps I'm naive too

ariba10

If you have to ask

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viktory

God no. Simple as that.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Can I point something out because I think it should be.

I'm hesitant to speak to SS because of the things I've seen. The SS worker has lied and falsified reports in court and has been penalised for this within her department by her manager and also by the court (from what I gather shes now been removed from her position) SIL is very young, naive and a bit on the slow side. Whilst they havent beaten or ill treated the children etc, SIL isnt mentally able to look after them. I'm not sure if Bro can have kids if he leaves SIL but i'm guessing he's not allowed to (I've never honestly asked) part of the decision to remove them was because the children have this genetic problem - If they went on to have any more kids and those kids didnt have the genetic problem SS said they would monitor and not remove straight away (although I dont think this would ever happen) I think it was too much to do - SIL is 19 and had 5 kids under 6 with this genetic disorder so that was heavy in this case.

I'm going to speak to OH tonight. I think my initially response to this was right but there's the family tug thats clouding my judgement.

Thanks everyone, you've helped

Nicki

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

I would have assumed/hoped the same as you - that the baby would be adopted by loving parents - perhaps I'm naive too

I think the number of disabled babies successfully adopted is sadly a lot lower than non- disabled. I know that any of my friends who have gone into this process have all said they would not consider a disabled child, and when pushed after being on the waiting list for a while have either stayed firm or changed to see slightly disabled only. Very disabled children are hard to place. OP hasn't said what her nephew's possible disability is but if it might be severe, it changes the landscape a bit.

elvis86

Lara44 wrote: »

In my OH family, his Aunt had a breakdown and could no longer cope with her kids. Both were up for adoption. My OH Nan could only cope with one of the two children, and so she adopted her daughter. The child is now a lovely lady with adopted kids of her own. She called her Nan 'Mum' and her real Mum 'Aunty'. This worked out well. (Apart from the boy who was adopted, as it was a double rejection for him. Although they made contact this was not able to be maintained )

It's this kind of decision which I find truly impossible. To choose between two children, keeping one and allowing the other to be adopted? How do you make that choice? I guess perhaps based on age (ie older child will have bonded more with family and would be more difficult to get adopted), but still I find this really upsetting and quite shocking.

I'm pretty sure that if I could "cope" with one child, I'd just have to "cope" with two, as the prospect of choosing would be too heartbreaking and not something I could live with. Imagine discovering that you were adopted, but your sibling was kept in the family?:(

Edit: In the OP's position, the scenario is obviously different as the kids have different fathers and luckily the other children's fathers have been fit to take them in. I'm referring specifically to a situation where the grandmother takes in one grandchild but allows the other to be adopted.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

The disability itself - I forget the name of it to be honest! From what i know - It makes the child slower than normnaly, Can not be tested until the child is 2. They can talk, walk etc, but just at a slower rate. The 4 year old can't talk very well at all, but the 3 year old can. The 1 year old is progressing well, can "talk" but its still baby words. They dont have any perception of danger and are probably a bit like SIL where as they are niave and a bit slow (IYKWIM) It's not severe at all but will require extra care.

Again - baby hasnt been tested so may/may not have this.

katerinasol

OP, let us know how you get on! Best of luck to you!