Do I have SIL's child? **AN UPDATE**

Emmzi

You have said no but you don't seem happy with that. Why?

Are you wanting another child, or are you worried about the quality of adoptive parents in your area?

Could a chat with social services help on the latter? I know three sets of wonderful adoptive parents that any kid would be lucky to have. Hopefully there are similar amazing people waiting in your area, who can offer a home with none of hte anxiety a slightly off balance SIL lurking around the corner would bring to bear.

twi1ight

jellyhead wrote: »

If she's only 19 she could have many many more children ... will you take the next one?

I was going to say something along these lines.

Having an agreeable OH who is willing to go along with your decision sounds great but in practise isnt always so great. He needs to be more supportive because otherwise it seems like everything rests with you and if you all end up miserable it was your choice. That's not fair. My husband can be like this and it can be frustrating to say the least.

How do you think this will affect your eldest child? You don't have to answer here, just something to think about.

Mimi, if I were you, I wouldn't adopt the baby. I don't doubt that you would love the child. There are going to be difficult feelings all round whichever route you choose but in my view, for the long term, it's best to say no now.

heretolearn_2

Personally, I think you'd be bonkers to take this baby.

1) Your OH's lack of enthusiasm shows he doesn't really want it
2) you don't really want it
3) you want your own baby and you can't have both
4) SIL is only asking as she wants to keep up contact/have involvement - a nightmare in the making
5) what happens when she has yet another baby next year, the pressure to take it to be with its sibling will be even worse
6) you are under no obligation to take it and should not feel guilty if you don't
7) I'm sure it'll be adopted, there are long waiting lists for young babies and a lot of parents will be happy to accept the risk of a fairly mild disability or no disability. This baby should be with a family that desperately wants it, not one that has been guilt-tripped into taking it on.
8) Is it possible for her to arrange some sort of option adoption with SS - where she can have some limited contact or information as the child grows up?

In any case why can't your brother leave her and raise it if he cares so much? If ss had said to me, choose between your child and your husband, I know which one I would have chosen, lol! Why DO they keep breeding like this? Slap your brother and send him for a vasectomy. This heartbreak is going to keep happening over and over otherwise. But it's not your problem. Don't get dragged into it for life.

gizmo111

SS would most likely ask you to become Special Guardians which is a tiny step down from adoption, however if you doubts remain you won't get a positive assessment and you will be ruled out by SS. I agree with Lynzpower the explanations given and blaming the social worker seem a little odd - has your brother shared any of the court papers with you?

peachyprice

I think in order to give this baby the best possible start in life you should not take it.

You sound as if you know your SIL won't stay away, and what about your brother? Will he still want to see the child?
If they are both in contact they will never let you be a mother to the baby, and that is what she deserves.

The baby has been taken for a reason, they are unfit parents. It would be far kinder for the child to break all ties with them and be placed with an adoptive family who will love and cherish her rather than be in constant contact with a mother who was not fit to have her.

rachbc

I have to say based in what you are saying no I don't think Social Care would recommend to the courts that you be able to adopt/ get gaurdianship for the reasons other posters have gavin
your OH ambivalence, your own ambivalence, SIL being unable to not get involved - all of which would not be in the best interests of the child which is their primary concern.

Personally I think the baby would be best placed with an adoptive family who really want it without a confusing relationship with its birth mother

peachyprice

And why on earth isn't somone making sure this girl is getting proper contraception?

gunsandbanjos

peachyprice wrote: »

And why on earth isn't somone making sure this girl is getting proper contraception?

I wondered that too, if she is 19 with 5 kids she has essentially had a child a year since she was 14:eek:

meritaten

I havent read the whole thread so someone else may have said this.
I would feel very sorry for the child if you reluctantly acceded to your SILs wishes and took it on. Not because I think you will be a bad parent - but because you have already said that you wouldnt be mum and dad..........you would be aunty and uncle with the childs mum in the picture.
also as the years went on and you go on to have your OWN kids - this poor child will be forever reminded that they are NOT your child! you may even grow to resent being put in this position, especially if the child has problems. HUN, for the childs sake - stick to your guns and refuse point blank to take him/her.
The child would be far better off being adopted by someone who really wants a child (any child) than being taken in out of a sense of duty and by being manipulated by someone who shouldnt have had children in the first place!

donquine

The child has clearly been failed by the parents, which is terrible, but that doesn't make it your fault, OP, even if you are related.

If you and your OH think you could love this child as much as a child that would be biologically yours, then go for it. But if this child would be looked after by you purely out of some sense of duty and/or guilt, as selfless as taking in someone else's child is, it might not be the kindest solution.

You may feel that you're letting this child down, but at the moment, you're not this child's caregiver, you're a relative with her own family unit to put first. If you genuinely feel taking this child in would be to the detriment of your OH and your DD, then there is no shame is saying 'I'm sorry, I can't do it.'

Letting the child be adopted by strangers might take that child out of your life forever, but a fresh start might actually be the kindest thing. Babies are much more likely to be adopted than walking talking children and are too young to remember any of the upset surrounding their births. Your SIL might want to have regular unsupervised contact with her child, but if SS have decided this is not in the child's best interests and you are not aware of any evidence to suggest they've got that wrong, placing the child away from your family might be no bad thing.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it's what you and your OH both want, taking into consideration your DD's feelings. The rest of your family have the same opportunity to adopt this child - if they don't want to do so, they can't judge you for not doing so either.