Do I have SIL's child? **AN UPDATE**

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Sorry if i miss anything out.

Brother is only father to 2 of the kids, The other kids have gone to their fathers families. 1 of brothers children is with our family, just 1 to be placed.

SS have lied - I know this for certain, from seeing nit myself and reading the court papers. They seem only little lies but the worker is using this to build a case. At one point she brought up me and my child in court and made outrageous claims - I ended up getting my own solicitor involved but the SS worker back tracked and started changing her story, then when questioned further she admitted she had lied. My brothers eldest child has been with the family since Aug and not once has SS worker seen her (nor has she checked the criminal record etc) The social worker admitted in court she wanted the kids taken away from my brother no matter what because it was her first case and she "wanted to win" - she was immediatley removed from the case and we're waiting to see what diciplinary action is being taken and we're working with the new case worker

The other children were already known by SS before my brother got involved witth SIL. One of the children was hurt playing outside, my brother took him to hospital but couldnt say what happened. SS was informed as this child was known to them, it kind of snow balled from there really, they then diagnoised the genetic disorder, both brother and SIL had a mental assesment and the doctors have said that neither have the ability to cope with 5 kids with this potential genetic disorder. They still havent been to court to get the final "you've lost them" but they've been told to submit potential carers or they will go in the system. I hope thats made sense?

SIL seems to have a kid every year! I did mentioned when she fell pregnant with youngest that I wasnt happy about it (I'd just been told about my back and told I might not carry full term) so was annoyed. She claimed to be on the pill. AFAIK she's still on the pill.

SIL's family are not allowed any of the children - SIL was known by SS as a child and because of what happend SS will not place the kids in her family's care.

My brother would like me to have the child but I think he can see it from my POV.

I had an assessment when this first happened as I was going to take my brother's eldest temporarily (whilst SIL was pregnant with Bro's second child) but other family member stepped forward so I backed down and let them take the child. SS have already said they have no issues with me having the child but things would need to be on place - Like not allowing Brother or SIL alone with the child. They havent said they can not see the children if they are in families care.

I'm not disagreeing with SS removing them from borther or SIL at all, I know I'd struggle with 5 kids at 19! never mind the genetic thing. I believe it should of been handled differently - when concerns was first raised by family members over the SS Worker i believe it shouldof been looked into sooner. Case has been going on for over a year now. Kids could of been settled etc if SS Worker submitted facts. I know most SS workers want the best for the kids and arent like this one, but it's put a sour taste in my mouth about talking to SS about anything.

There probably is help but personally/physically - I couldnt cope with a newborn (my own if I concieve) and a toddler (brothers) AND my eldest.

My DD would love a play mate, It upsets me that I wasnt able to give her one sooner. I wouldnt be trying for my own if I didnt think DD would be ok. I think it would be confusing for her if I had one child calling me "aunty" though. I think initially DD wouldnt like "sharing" mummy but she'd get used to it if handled properly.

SORRY that was so long! Wanted to cover everything

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Sorry one more note - There's no doubt we love the child as our own but with SIL being involoved the child will never really be ours. We wont be able to be "mum" and "dad" if that makes sense. If SIL and Brother had no involvement it would be diifferent but whilst they are around i'd always be on edge wondering if they are going to interfere or try and take the child away from me.

Currently the child visits my mother once a week - I purposely avoid contact because at the moment, it's just "another" kid. I dont have a bond. I think if the bond was there it would sway my decision. I've seen 1 picture of the child since the birth and that's it.

Had a chat with OH, he's on the fence. He said he's worried of my reaction if he said "no, I want our own" but he'd stand 110% with me if i chose to have the child.

Sweet_Pea_2

I know this sounds awful because this child is a family member, awful to think really that you could not take in a family member.

But, I think no. The reason for this is that your SIL clearly cannot look after this child and will not be allowed to. If an outside family adopt the child it will be raised in all probability by a loving supportive family who will love this child and raise it as their own and give it plenty of advantages. I'm sure you would also do this, but the fly in the ointment would be the childs mother and father who would also be present and cause continual problems and upsets and unsettle the child, no matter how hard you try to give the child a stable home. I think a clean break for this child would be a better thing.

nic_santorini

I have not read the replies only your original note. I think you have answered your own question. I would say no don't do it. You will just be used and you will end up with a constant battle, which will no doubt end in big family feuds and problems later on. You should NOT feel guilty for someone else's mess. The baby will find a fabulous loving home and the protection for the child growing up will be much greater with very controlled yearly letters etc. She has put you in a difficult situation, she has no right to do this and should have sorted her own life out.

Ms_Chocaholic

Here's my two 'penneth - I don't think you should take in the child, your SIL is only asking you as she wants to maintain contact with the baby.

Before the child would be placed with you though, SS would have to undertake an assessment of your suitability to parent the child (even tho you have a child of your own) - within that assessment is work on your ability to protect the child from it's mother. If you took the decision to consider taking the child in, you would be obliged to raise the concerns you have stated here and on that basis the outcome of the assessment would be that the child could not be placed with you.

SS have removed the child to protect it from it's mother, they would not place it with you if they were aware that it would continued to be placed at risk through continued contact with its mother.

If you want to get out of this situation without feeling any guilt on your part, tell your SIL that you will work with SS re the baby being placed with you but raise the concerns you have with them and they will not place the baby with you. Therefore it will not be your fault and there can be no resentment felt against you and your family, you can just blame SS for the decision.

HTH

meritaten

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Sorry one more note - There's no doubt we love the child as our own but with SIL being involoved the child will never really be ours. We wont be able to be "mum" and "dad" if that makes sense. If SIL and Brother had no involvement it would be diifferent but whilst they are around i'd always be on edge wondering if they are going to interfere or try and take the child away from me.

Currently the child visits my mother once a week - I purposely avoid contact because at the moment, it's just "another" kid. I dont have a bond. I think if the bond was there it would sway my decision. I've seen 1 picture of the child since the birth and that's it.

Had a chat with OH, he's on the fence. He said he's worried of my reaction if he said "no, I want our own" but he'd stand 110% with me if i chose to have the child.

That (in red) is exactly why you shouldnt raise this child! hun, from your point of view - you cannot raise this child as your own...........and from the childs point of view - think about it! to always know you are NOT your child! Your SIL will be forever there to remind that child that they are NOT your own child. confusing for the child and tbh you dont really want it do you? you have NO contact with the child and have only seen a photo. and I think you already resent being put on the spot!
the stuff about the previous social worker makes no difference! the courts are going ahead with adoption or fostering by family. you dont want to so DONT!

viktory

Ultimately though, even as one who has posted on here - I think this issue is far too serious to even be debated on an internet forum. You are always going to get conflicting views; these may only serve to confuse you further. Have you considered counselling before making your decision.

lynzpower

My personal feeling is ( for what its worth) that if it is likely that the child will go on a full care order and the childs parents are not suitable to look after the child ( legitimately, this is not something the SW has made up - and now you have given more info I think the SW has been massively unprofessional but it sounds like what she says doesnt impact on the main thrust of the argument. Its good there is a new case worker, clearly this has been taken seriously.

If I were you I would not put myself forward, you obviously have doubts and that is natural. I am with others that say there are hundreds of prospective adopters out there that will adore this little one and build a safe world for baby. I think if you bow to the pressure of putting yourself forward, then you buy into an intrusive and fairly stressful assessment process, that really you are not sure if you want the outcome. IN the meanwhile the child will get older, and Im afraid, harder to adopt as the days tick by.

If you are really not committed to it ( and these very real doubts show you are thinking this through properly, and focused also on what is best for the baby, as well as everyone else) then dont pt yourself forward. as this will delay the baby's availability for adoption.

Good luck, this must be so difficult x

jenhug

my head says no, my heart says yes! No help at all to you but i'm a sucker.
do you think that with support the SIL will ever be capable of raising a child to adult hood? Do you think your brother is as they make out, mentally unfit?
I think you should meet with SS, meet with the baby and take it from there.

sashadesade

That's a tough situation, but you already know in your heart of hearts what you want to do. It comes through quite clearly in your posts and you shouldn't be afraid to stand up to your SIL and do what's right for you. You also know that even if you did decide to put your own feelings aside and take the child, it's just a disaster waiting to happen and you'll end up being the bad guy either way.